I’m desperate. People keep telling me to call my visiting teachers, or home teacher or my RS pres for help, but my visiting teachers are both grandmothers with health issues, we haven’t seen hour home teachers since before Halloween, and the RS president is the one who told me morning sickness was all in the head.

If I made enough noise, I know they would pass around a sign-up sheet in RS for people to come take my kids, but I am uncomfortable with just anyone taking my nearest and dearest away for the day. There are a few women I am casual friends with who I trust, but they all have super busy lives, or a husband with cancer, or are building a house, or are working because husband does not have job. Eric is one of two kids in nursery, and Jeffrey is the only CTR 5 in primary- most of the families in our ward are at a different place in life than we are. So what do I do?

I haven’t seen my family in six months, no one came up for the holidays, the weather is too cold to play outside and I am so sick of being sick, I want to die. At least these days. Pleading with my mom to come up doesn’t do any good- she has her own agenda, and never deviates from it. I miss my family- I need my family- and they are so far away.

This morning I totally lost it with Eric because he wouldn’t listen to me (surprise surprise) and then fell on the floor in a big heap. Of course I can’t pick him up, and I tried dragging him to his room, but I was so frustrated and he was kicking and screaming, and I spanked him. Certainly that wasn’t necessary, and he crawled up in my lap and cried, and I cried and I feel like the crappiest mother on the face of the earth. Hangin’ by a thread….

And we all know I have slammed and locked and nailed the door on the MIL coming over. And she is only help on the surface- really she is more work than help.

Even getting the boys dressed in all the layers this kind of weather requires, to go to the store, feels like an insurmountable task to me. Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. Today, I wonder how I am going to take care of another baby, when I am drowning and sucking at taking care of the two I have.

Heather wrote a post at MMW today about how we mess our kids up, and talk about opening a Pandora’s Box. These days I just hope I am not doing any overt damage, (unnecessary spankings…) I can’t even bear to think about all the subtle and emotional hang ups I might be inadvertently passing along.

I pray that my children have the gift of wisdom and grace enough to someday see that I did the very best I knew how.

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