A Seriously Crummy Mom

I’m desperate. People keep telling me to call my visiting teachers, or home teacher or my RS pres for help, but my visiting teachers are both grandmothers with health issues, we haven’t seen hour home teachers since before Halloween, and the RS president is the one who told me morning sickness was all in the head.

If I made enough noise, I know they would pass around a sign-up sheet in RS for people to come take my kids, but I am uncomfortable with just anyone taking my nearest and dearest away for the day. There are a few women I am casual friends with who I trust, but they all have super busy lives, or a husband with cancer, or are building a house, or are working because husband does not have job. Eric is one of two kids in nursery, and Jeffrey is the only CTR 5 in primary- most of the families in our ward are at a different place in life than we are. So what do I do?

I haven’t seen my family in six months, no one came up for the holidays, the weather is too cold to play outside and I am so sick of being sick, I want to die. At least these days. Pleading with my mom to come up doesn’t do any good- she has her own agenda, and never deviates from it. I miss my family- I need my family- and they are so far away.

This morning I totally lost it with Eric because he wouldn’t listen to me (surprise surprise) and then fell on the floor in a big heap. Of course I can’t pick him up, and I tried dragging him to his room, but I was so frustrated and he was kicking and screaming, and I spanked him. Certainly that wasn’t necessary, and he crawled up in my lap and cried, and I cried and I feel like the crappiest mother on the face of the earth. Hangin’ by a thread….

And we all know I have slammed and locked and nailed the door on the MIL coming over. And she is only help on the surface- really she is more work than help.

Even getting the boys dressed in all the layers this kind of weather requires, to go to the store, feels like an insurmountable task to me. Just thinking about it makes me feel exhausted. Today, I wonder how I am going to take care of another baby, when I am drowning and sucking at taking care of the two I have.

Heather wrote a post at MMW today about how we mess our kids up, and talk about opening a Pandora’s Box. These days I just hope I am not doing any overt damage, (unnecessary spankings…) I can’t even bear to think about all the subtle and emotional hang ups I might be inadvertently passing along.

I pray that my children have the gift of wisdom and grace enough to someday see that I did the very best I knew how.

8 thoughts on “A Seriously Crummy Mom

  1. I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time right now. I suppose it is all a matte of perspective, you are tired, exhauted and need a break and it is so hard to get.
    Here is one suggestion just for your sanity, and that is to listen to good music, I don’t care what it is that touches your soul, but I promise it will help your mood some.
    We all have been there, with impatience with our children, and beating ourselves up for our mistakes, that is life, and what we need to learn. You are normal, not all alone in those feelings. I understand the company being more work. I wish I could give more sage advice, but I don’t have the words, and I’m sure that isn’t what you want. Just know my thoughts are with you! Hang in there, you will be a good mom and are a good mom now.

  2. Since I don’t live close enough to steal your kids for an afternoon . . .

    1) I’m sorry you feel lousy. One of my co-workers (who’s going through her own crap right now) keeps quoting Frost, “The only way out is through.”

    2) If the RS president is on another planet, try the YW president. You know, a teenager looking for a personal progress goal . . . great Mia Maid class project . . .

    3) Ignore the MMW post — after a decade of teaching, I can tell you that kids 1) know when you love them 2) are remarkably resiliant.

  3. It won’t last forever, it won’t last forever. Just keep chanting that in your head. :)

    I’d be X-ing off the days if I were you.

    My kids are all teens now and it’s freaking me out a bit. Only a few years left. Not ready for that at all.

  4. Oh, Tracy, I didn’t mean to dump guilt on you! I was working through my OWN guilt. Crap. Now I have more guilt for making YOU feel guilty! Let’s just all go to Starbucks and then get a pedicure.

    Wait, you probably can’t see your feet. Scratch that. We’ll get facials instead!

    I promise, promise, promise that you will feel 100% better when your baby comes. You will be sleep deprived, but you will no longer feel like a beached whale, or a buffalo (and I think he deserves a month of dish duty for that crack!). There is NOTHING harder than taking care of little people when you are pregnant and sick, including taking care of 3 people when you are not pregnant. You’ll be fine. And your kids will not hate you for being grumpy. Now dirty dish towels may be another story….

  5. Heather:

    I said it with _love_ :)

    And if it helps your guilt, let me reiterate — children are _remarkably_ resiliant. Though a therapy trust-fund is never a terrible idea . . . they can use it for pedicures and steamed milk in future years when they are suffering parenting guilt!

  6. Heather-
    I was alread wallowing in mom-gulit; your post just happened to talk about your own issues the same day I was already in that pool. Have no guilt over me- we don’t need our friends to feel bad too!

    Thanks everyone for the votes of support and confidence. Tomorrow will be better, I know.

  7. Wow Tracy it’s incredible how even in different circumstances people can have the EXACT same expereiences. This was me 2 weeks ago. Yep spankings and all. I literally couldn’t pull myself up. I was so incredibly hopeless, frustrated, depressed and couldn’t find a way out of it.

    I seriously broke down into tears 7 times in one day thinking “I can’t do this, there is no way I can do this.” Which in and of itself was destructive because I started thinking less of my abilities which escalated and I felt worse about myself etc.
    I wanted my family to come visit. We’ve been here for a year and a half and my folks have never come to visit (although interestingly they’ve found time to visit my siblings in Utah 4 times and my sister in Nevada 2 times… me none, I’m low on the totem pole). I wanted someone to call. I posted about it and I got a call from my mother after she read my post telling me to suck it up… which didn’t help.
    Then this interesting thing happened I read a post and sat there and cried. I don’t know what happened that night but after reading that post something changed. It wasn’t anything big but I changed. I’m not saying I haven’t felt tremendously depressed at times. Nothing has really changed at all. Nothing. I’ve just felt happier. Things don’t look so bad. I was able to take a few minutes and think about the things that made me happy. Instead of looking at my son and being really really angry because he needed a good kick in the pants to being able to laugh at his laughing at us and going “silly daddy” when his father disciplined him. I was able to just get downright mad at my family for not visiting me instead of hurt (actually it was more expletive than that but hey… I try). Again nothing’s changed. I don’t think it will change for a long time. My capacity for bearing everything did change though. Read these two things. It helps in ways I can’t explain.

    http://allmyredheadsrock.blogspot.com/2006/02/with-gratitude.html
    :-) :-) :-)Thanks for helping

    http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll?f=templates$fn=default.htm$xhitlist_q=however%20long%20and%20hard%20the%20road$xhitlist_x=Simple$xhitlist_s=relevance-weight$xhitlist_d=$xhitlist_hc=%5BXML%5D%5Bkwic%2C0%5D$xhitlist_xsl=xhitlist.xsl$xhitlist_vpc=first$xhitlist_sel=title%3Bpath%3Bcontent-type%3Bhome-title%3Bhit-context%3Bfield%3Azr%3Bfield%3ARef

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s