Hi Everyone! My name is Tracy, and I used to be pregnant! I’m not anymore!! Can I just say that again, world? I am NOT pregnant anymore, in the best possible way, and I am the proud mama of a lovely, chunky and voracious little Absolutely. Abigail Kathryn (named and spelled funky for and just like my grandma) was born on Tuesday morning at 11:16, and weighed in at a substantial 8 pounds, 12 ounces.

I just have one thing to say to all you “natural” mama’s out there; those of you amazing women who push your babies out sans medication or pain killers, who are at peace and are empowered by the artful act of giving birth: ARE YOU NUTS??? On Tuesday morning, I had a little surprise… My previous birthing experiences were pleasant, albeit tiring, perhaps a little tender, and certainly sore post-partum, but all in all, fairly civil. My drugs worked, my coping skills were never really called upon in full bloom, and the nether-regions remained humanely numb.

How’s this for quick? Around 11 a.m my contractions suddenly got very strong. The nurse checks me, and I am at a 7- no biggie, right? I’ve been 5 for weeks, so we’ve probably got days until Maybe decides to appear- but I ask for drugs anyway, seeing as how they are getting big enough to be uncomfortable. I had no idea. Seriously, no idea what uncomfortable was- but I was about to find out! In the time it took the anesthesiologist to get there, about 5 minutes, I went from 7 to 10. I screamed at the poor guy to give me something, and he foolishly tried to reason with me, as I screamed, that there was nothing he could do- it was too late. Ok, to my credit, I never totally lost it and cursed or really bellowed, but I did let loose with a few (ok, more than a few) yells that bordered on ‘water buffalo” in their lady-likeness and femininity.

The nurses were running things in the room to try and prep for baby, loudly commanding that I “not push!” until the doctor got there, (Yeah, right!) and I could feel the baby’s head coming down, and all the glorious, burning, stinging, PRESSURE and insane intensity I never even imagined. HOLY COW, I GOTTA PUSH! NOW! My doctor literally RAN from his office across the street to the birthing center and into my room, putting his scrubs on as he entered the room. Oh, and the whole “breathing through it” thing? Try this: Go outside and hit your thumb with a roofing hammer really hard every 30 seconds for about 15 minutes, and cope by “breathing through it”! You get the idea?

The “ring of fire” the natural birthing books talk about? Been there. Walked through it. In the space of exactly 16 minutes, I went from dilated to 7 and coping well, to having my baby on my stomach instead of in it. That’s got to be some kind of inhuman record, right? Sixteen minutes. Sixteen minutes….

So, I have a lovely daughter. That is SO weird to say! We are all well, the boys are totally happy and LOVE their sister, even Eric has been really sweet and gently- not at all jealous like I anticipated he might be. I am now an eating machine. Human food comsumptor- put it in front of me and I will eat it! Last night at the hospital, I ate all my dinner, then called room service and asked for another one! There is no way to describe how great it was to EAT and feel good- I haven’t been sick in over 24 hours now! I guess I better watch it, but for this first week, I’m going to eat like flippin’ Cookie Monster! Bring it ON!

I hear my little love bug calling out as only a newbie can- I best go be mama now. I just want to thank everyone for all the support throughout the worlds longest and most hellish pregnancy- It’s going to be fun getting to know each other as regular people now! I am so happy that my brain will shortly be returning… Oh, and to any first-timers out there who I know (or who lurk)- Don’t be afraid- really. It was all worth it. Seriously, every minute. All worth it. If I can say that, you have nothing to fear…