Drops of Heaven

“Mom, what are you afraid of?” Jeffrey querries as he plays with Legos on the floor…

I look up from Abby’s face as she contentedly nurses away and my eyes drift toward the ceiling. Dozens of fears percolate to the surface, but nothing I can share with my four-year old. Twirling and tossing and twisting my string of fears, trying to pluck something, my thoughts are dark; what am I afraid of? Of not being a good mother; of dying before they can remember me well; of what life would be like without their dad; of being alone forever; of giving them bad memories; of someone half a world away who would kill us for being Americans; of having these fears in the first place; of pollution and dirty water and poison air; of pollitical unrest in unstable contries; of any of them, ever, being in pain; of how life is going to treat any of thier tender little selves; of ever loosing faith; and the thoughts just continue to bubble up and up.

“Sharks” I say out loud.

“I’m not afraid of anything!” He declares with all the bravery and surety of his four years.

“I know, baby.” My eyes well with tears. At least I’m doing something right.

17 thoughts on “Drops of Heaven

  1. Sometimes I wish that I was four, and that I was not afraid of anything, how different the world would be! I am afraid of too much (if there is such a thing) and sometimes its my fears that limit me.

  2. I would have said, “I’m afraid that you mean it when you get upset and say I can’t be your mommy anymore….”

    That’s legitimate isn’t it? Although sharks are scary too.

  3. I try to hide my fears from my boys. I’m irrationally afraid of things and I’d hate to see them learn that from me.
    So much better that they think there is nothing to fear than to think there is everything to fear.
    And do you think they’d understand the fear of failing as a parent? Sharks are good, but spiders would make more sense.

  4. That’s very sweet. I have to laugh at “Sharks!”

    My eight year old asked me last summer what a boggart would look like if it attacked me (Harry Potter – boggarts assume the shape of your worst fears). I wondered if I should tell her the truth, and finally I did tell her that I was most afraid of bad things happening to people I love. She was afraid of the same thing. And also Bloody Mary, from the lame scary possessed toilet story little kids tell. :)

  5. Em- that would have been a good response if I had had my wits about me…

    Mo- Me too- I don;t want them to have my fears, hence shark. They already know I’m not afraid of spiders…

    Allison- that’s so funny- I still won’t look in the mirror at midnight because of that stupid game, from a slumber party in 4th grade! Same with “Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board”- anyone else play that one?

    Everyone else- thanks for letting me know that the little peeks into my life are moving or make your day nice, or for some other reason that keeps you reading this diary of mine…

  6. I love that age. Sharks are definately scary! I love that he’s a fearless little man! What a sweetheart.

    No one but a mother could ever understand the fears that go through our minds – causing us to hold our breath, just from the fear of “what-if”.

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