We’re buried in snow. It’s tough looking for work when so many businesses are shut down or operating minimally due to weather.

My kids have been home with snow-days twice this week, and it’s Wednesday. I don’t want to be touched right now, and all my kids want is to sit in my lap and rub me, or pull on my skirt, or play with my hair.

The other night, after everyone was in bed, I had this weird image of trying to stick random pieces of clothing to my body, like one of those crabs that decorates itself, and hide from my family that way.

When you’re on food assistance, every molecule counts. I’m keenly aware that we are dependent on others right now, and I budget every penny, and every ounce of food. So, when the two week marker rolls around, I need to get to the storehouse. And no one else knows what I need- I have to swallow my pride and call the RS president and remind her that we need food. Again. And I feel horrible doing it- but I can’t just go to the store any time I like right now- so if I don’t get to the storehouse today, I won’t we able to get food until NEXT WEEK.

I still know we will be OK, I just don’t know when. The Cobra thing really threw me for a loop, and I feel deflated.

We’re supposed to get 7 more inches of snow tonight. No school tomorrow, either. I talked to Beanie’s preschool teacher, and in the seventeen years they’ve lived here, she has never seen it snow like this. We usually get an inch or two, and that’s about it. (Beanie’s preschool put him on a scholarship when they found out DH lost his job. I’m so grateful and humbled. I was worried I would have to pull him, further stressing him out, and due to the kindness of his teacher, he gets to continue going. It doesn’t matter how humble and embarrassed that makes me, what matters is stability for him.)

The kids are fighting all the time- it’s too cold to play outside, they have cabin-fever, and everyone is bored. I don’t care enough at the moment to do anything about it.

Let’s see, I know there is a silver lining here somewhere- what can I see? Someday I might make a great RS president because of all this? Yup. I know how to be very frugal now, and didn’t realize how much we lived in luxury? Yup. My faith has come back to the forefront in my life? Absolutely. I’m relying more on the hand of the Lord than on the arm of man? Without a doubt. I no longer wonder if this is where I want to be, because faced with the job offer requiring moving, I deeply and completely know this is where I want to make my home? Yes. And again, I say: Yes.

We watched a special on the History channel the other night about this guy who forges his own steel. He smelts the ore, hammers it, heats it and hammers it again.  I think I get the whole parable of the Refiners Fire now. Maybe we’re in the fire right now, and we have to be bashed a few more times before our impurities are sloughed off. At least, I really hope and pray that’s what’s happening. Otherwise, it just hurts.

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