Dear Friends

You know you’re really screwing-up when you find this:

“I hat it whin you aregyou!”

…on yellow paper, in a child’s hand, on the floor outside your bedroom door.

Yeah, so it’s probably no surprise that things aren’t going so well. The lack of a job is only part of it- there are things more difficult to deal with than lack of employment. Trust me. Things like the agency of others, our own vulnerability, how loving someone is just not a choice, and what I want for my life. You know, small things like that. Oh, and no job.

Beanie and Abby have been trading the stomach flu back and forth- and my Little Green Clean Machine has been getting a substantial work out. Between the barf and the diarrhea- yeah. I broke down last night and put Beanie in a pull-up at 1 a.m. after his third towel and my second round with LGCM. Nothining sucks like sucking barf out of the carpet in the middle of the night.

The kids do have health insurance now. For that I am grateful- at least the kids are covered.

In the middle of this dark cloud where I’m living, the blessings have been pouring down. Phone calls, letters, cards, pizza delivery, dinners, even random envelopes of cash showing up- people finding creative and abundant means of letting me know they love us. It’s humbling, and my heart is swelled with gratitude.

At this point, that’s really all I can say. Stay tuned for my review of my Rocket Chicken Hairdryer- coming soon. Hope all is well in your neck of the woods.

20 thoughts on “Dear Friends

  1. I know you don’t know me, but I want to tell you that it’s kind of a strange experience praying for a specific person that you don’t know. I found myself trying to explain blogs to God. Then I realized that, yeah, He probably already knows.

    Anyway, now that the Lord understands blogging, I’m hoping He’ll answer my prayer for your family. Keep writing, keep praying. If you send me your address, I’ll send you a cheesecake in the mail.

  2. Unemployment (and free agency in general) can be hard on family relationships. DH and I have made it through more than one round of the unemployment blues and we love each other more than we ever have. It was hard (really hard) to believe we’d get to here when we were there.

    You will make it. All of you are going to make it through this valley and thrive again.

  3. I’m so sorry for all of the hardness on so many levels. The way you write about it reminds me of my mom, for whom the rain has not stopped pounding for over 4 years. It’s always literally one thing after another, each one heavier on her heart than the one before. Somehow it’s doable.
    It can be hard to trust that God knows what we are able to bear and promised that we would not be tested or tempted past it. Dang hard. Huge trial of faith, and I think you’re going to make it.

  4. “I cried because I had no shoes, ’till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, ‘You got any shoes you’re not using’?”

    Hope the barf and the diarrhea stop soon, and thank goodness for Pull-Ups!

  5. Tracy, This is Michelle AM’s husband. Completely out of the blue tonight, I thought of my old high school choir teacher and remembered that his story had been described in the Ensign a few years ago. As I was re-reading that article, I suddenly thought of you and your situation – not that they are alike in any objective way, so I’m not sure why I had that thought.

    Anyway, I want to share the link with you, but it’s a long one, so I will break it into parts in case the link doesn’t come through properly. (His name is David Dahlquist, and the article is called “In a Quiet House” – Sept. 2002 Ensign – if you would rather go to the Church’s site and look it up that way.)

    Here it is:

    http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=
    2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=
    f11b76e6ffe0c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1

  6. Thank you, Michelle’s husband, for following the prompting and sharing that with me. I will think on it for a while.

    Justine, thank you for your prayers- I do know what it’s like to pray for people I don’t know in real life, and know God understands.

    Yep, monsoons, people. Monsoons.

    Richelle, thank you for the scripture.

    Em. I have to make it, right? There really is no other way, I think.

  7. I am feeling like such a dweeb. Everyone offers you such incredible, loving comments, and I crack a Stephen Wright joke! I hope I didn’t offend you.

    I bet that note just broke your heart. I have been the recipient of many heart wrenching notes from my girls from time to time. I wish I could say that Evan and I have weathered the storms of our lives without freaking out, but that hasn’t always been the case.

    Hang in there and hope you know I adore you! You are so loved Tracy!

  8. Hey Tracy,
    I haven’t commented in a while but I always do stop by to read your post. I just wanted to say that you are always in our prayers and I love your postings and you have been an inspiration for me to open up and be able to put into words what I would not have thought of sharing before – and it does help – Thank you for being you ~ and the hair looks great by the way.

  9. Thank you Ron! The world is indeed better when one’s hair looks good.

    Jen, you never offend me! I adore you.

    Jami- thanks for the link- it does work better than the other one.

    Thank you all for your prayers… It helps. It really does.

  10. Tracy,

    We’ve been through unemployment twice, saying its not easy doesn’t even begin to cover it.

    Something I try to do when my hubby is on my last nerve is to remember. To remember times that were trials for me, that he was waiting for me to get my act together. How did I want him to respond to me at that time? What did he do that hurt? and what did he do that helped? Then I tried to do those things that helped for him and remembered everything he weathered when I was a big fat lazy jerk.

    My hubby went through alot of crap with me when I was working through major depression, I wonder if anyone in the world would have suffered through that with me. I couldn’t have done it without him so when he is all too imperfect I do my very best to remember that. To remember how lonely I would be on a daily basis without him.

    (Please kick my butt if this hurts not helps)

  11. Hey Tracy, when I was five my parents went through bankruptcy. I remember going to the shoe store and buying some super cute hushpuppies for kindergarden. My mom put them on the roof of the car to help me and the kids into the back seat. She drove off and I never wore my new shoes. I think that broke my mom because after she drove around looking for my new shoes desperately only to not find them she just started crying uncontrollably. I remember my parents fighting a lot at this time of life. My mom says there was a time where there was $11 in her account, with no credit extended to them and nothing to do. My grandparents would not help because “you got yourselves into this mess.” Finally, my one grandmother did aid and my dad sold solar panels door to door before strapping a ladder to the top of the car and started a sign company – just him a ladder and a car. My husband now owns that sign business – for which we are forever grateful.

    Why do I tell you this? As a grown woman I look back at that time of my parents’ lives with so much admiration for their courage, hard work and faith. I understand that stress caused a lot of their fighting – not lack of love. I never felt unloved. So while the note at the door is hard to read, it doesn’t mean the kids won’t make it. I hope you are keeping a journal of everything that is going on outside of this blog. Your children and grandchildren will benefit from your courage in the face of overwhelming obstacles.

    Good luck and God Bless. I’ll be praying that just one thing goes extremely well for you today.

  12. jen38, sometimes it’s the jokes that cause the bouts of laughter that help people hold on just a little longer!

    jendoop, that is great advice for strengthening relationships.

    Tracy M, another cyber friend who doesn’t know you and yet knows and respects you. It is tough to keep hanging on when you feel your strength is waning. When the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel seems way too distant, try to remember that just around the bend, the next 100 bends, somewhere ahead, the light really is there. (I think we’re on bend 85… and the light is visible from here!)

    Lots of prayers for comfort, peace, and stamina!

  13. Sometimes I just have to say that free agency sucks.

    Before I get struck by lightning, I just want to say that I don’t mean that in the sense that it isn’t the right way to live, just that some of us get the opportunity to experience how the free agency of others can be very hurtful in our lives.

    I wonder how many times HF has heard the prayer along the lines of “It’s not fair!!”. I am still trying to figure that one out.

    You are loved. You are amazing. Hang in there.

  14. I’ve been following you for a number of months now and I just have to say that I adore you and your genuine-ness. Please know that you are not alone.

    I screw up all the time at my house. Take your letter for example. It stinks for us moms to know that our kids are freakin’ out by mom and dad’s not getting along together. But, just think of the valuable lesson our dear children learn from the experience:

    Its NORMAL for parents to disagree. Its okay, everyone does it. And it does not change our love for them, and they are not the cause of the problem.

    Our kids witnessing contention in our marriages may scare them as children, but in the end, I think that it helps them when 20 yrs down the road to know that when THEY are married, its not the end of the world if the tide goes out and things get tough for a while. (oh, I remember when Mom and Dad did this, so I’m ok! I’m not crazy or a bad person for having this issue in MY marriage. And yah, my marriage might not be doomed after all!)

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