Midnight in the Garden

Butter is my favorite food group. OK, maybe that’s not true- maybe it’s really cheese, but I’m in the Paula Deen  school of butter philosophy. Everything is better with butter. Lots of butter.

It’s like, midnight thirty, and I can’t sleep. Why? Because I took a NAP today, and my dumb husband let me. What was he thinking? Not only did he let me take a nap, but he FED the kids dinner and put Abby to bed. While I napped. What kind of husband do I have, man. The downside is, I can’t sleep- even a bennedryl isn’t helping, and the monkeys will up bright and early chomping at the bit for me to feed them. See, if I was a good mom, I would use one of the Ree’s recipes and have breakfast casserole all ready. But I’m not. Nor does my husband wear hot chaps to work every day. Sigh…

Serious emotional eating going on here. I have no idea why. Stress? Do I have any stress in my life? Ha! My knee jerk reaction is “no”- seriously, how dumb am I? Pot, meet kettle. So maybe I have some stress. But why oh why do I deal by eating everything carb-y I can lay my glommy little mits on? Oh, look, a vat of sugar! Goody! What can I make? Oh, another pie? Don’t mind if I do, thank you! Oh, look! Some pasta! Mmmmm! Let’s just pick out this ucky green stuff and eat the rest. Mmmmm. It’s the middle of the freakin’ night, and I’m weighing out if I would see anyone I know if I just ran to the grocery store to pick up some frozen TURNOVERS. Crap. What. Is. Wrong. With. Me?

Stupid drive-thrus being open all night. You’re not helping me!!

I chew ice. I’ve heard that’s bad, but I really, really enjoy it- and have since I was a girl. Crushed ice, thank you very much. When I was a kid, we had this old table-top ice crusher, where you filled  a hopper with cubes, turned a crank, and the teeth inside chipped and chopped your ice into shrapnel. I loved it. That was before freezer door ice-dispensers; of which, I consider those second only behind hot running water.

If I ever travel back in time, I want to take a tube of mascara. I have the odd, lash-less look of a rabbit, to quote Scarlett O’Hara, without mascara. A prize for anyone who can name who she was talking about when she said that- and goodness knows, if I’m going to time-travel to the antebellum south, I want Scarlett to like me. Or at least not scoff in derision. Although maybe that’s inevitable, since there is no stay on the planet that could cinch my waist to 16 inches. Mercy.

My daydreams are taken up lately with chopping my hair all off. And getting the new Brazilian keratin hair-straightening treatment Jen wrote about. I’m too lazy tonight to make a link, but trust me, it looks good. Three months of silk hair. I haven’t had my hair short since ninth grade. That was a bad year. It was a bad decision to cut all my hair off. Of course, there were not silicon hair smoothers or other goodies for girls with steel wool instead of hair. My hair grew OUT from my head for a good two years before there was enough weight to pull it down again. There are a great deal of pictures where I resemble nothing so much as the Sphinx in silhouette. Maybe I should re-think the cutting, eh?

Who said “Nothing good happens after midnight.”? Was the GBH? Cause maybe they have a point.

Yard sales have been poopy this month. I don’t think there’s been anything good for a few weeks. Today, out with all three kids (cause THAT is a good idea…), I turned down a deadend street. “Crap!” I hollered at the car. Jeffrey pipes up from the back- “MOM! You’re our role model- you can’t say that!” Me, sweating and wresting the giant gas hog that hauls my family, into a seventeen point turn, considers this quite astute an observation and offer “OK, you’re right Jeff, so you and Bean can scream ‘crap’ one time.” “CRAP!” they both immediately bellow, then break into fits of giggles.  Mom of the Year, right here.

I wonder what it would cost me to get a giant rubber band put around my stomach on the black market? It’s like, I’m too fat for comfort, but not fat enough to be eligible for any medical help. Sometimes, like Cathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, “I wish I could just say ‘what the hell’, and get really fat.” But not really.

For three days, all I have been craving is Eggs Benedict. I don’t have any lemon. Again, wondering who I might run into at the grocery, and if it’s worth the gamble. There is no way I’m changing from my jammies, and it’s too warm to use a cloak. I’m fresh out of cloaks anyway. Much like riding horses and men wearing hats, I wish we still used cloaks. I don’t want to give up my ice or my mascara, though.

Recurring theme tonight? Time travel. Food. One o’clock now… The drive-thrus are calling me… Forth meal. What kind of marketing BS is that? Cause that’s what we Americans need, another meal. Three squares a day isn’t enough, no sireee. Gimme more. On that note, the drive-thru idea is giving some sympathetic indigestion. Whew. Save from a horrible caloric misstep by my own gurgling stomach acid! Woooo-hoo!

I paid Jeffrey a box of Lemonheads for him to let me pluck a wild hair he had growing from his cheek yesterday. I did. Like I said, Mom of the Year. Bringing it to ya.

26 thoughts on “Midnight in the Garden

  1. Let’s see, I tried frying spam in butter today and your dh was right, it’s even better.
    No eggs benedict until I can have some.
    I taped my son today as I PROMPTED him to say “Holy Crap”.
    I was driving my kids home from a friends’ house while you were writing this post. I’m in contention for that Mom of the Year title.
    No mushroom head please.
    Little birds say there might be a recommendation of a great drugstore mascara next Wednesday on MythbusterBeauty.com (how’s THAT for a plug?)
    Forget cloaks, I just want an excuse to use hat pins…..

    P.S. Skipping swimming was a horrible idea on your part. The pool has a canopy and the weather was perfect, so there ;) Plus there was pizza and Wii afterwards…someday you’ll listen to my genius…

  2. It’s even sweeter after dark…sonic commercial I always think of when I get hungry at night. Breakfast casserole sounds really yummy. Butter is good, I started getting it at Costco, enough said!. We have a car that is hard to turn, DH calls it the boat. When you said fourth meal, it reminded me of the hobbits it Lord Of The Rings when they have second breakfast and elevensies!

  3. Sorry, I can’t compete with this kind of randomness. After 21 years of marriage, I’m used to it, but I can’t compete at home, either.

  4. Here’s another vote for butter. It’s just better. Aren’t carbs great when your under stress? Ok.. not great for the waistline. And then they go and put something in the Ensign about eating healthy (July 2008) – What’s up with that?! I really love carbs – I make a GREAT Fettucini Alfredo! Total Comfort food.

    Scarlett might have been talking about anyone – but my first guess would be Melanie – it could also be India. It’s been aeons since I watched the movie or red the book. Fiddle dee dee.

    Please… please please… don’t chop your hair off!!!! I’m with you on the whole hair thing. I have a picture from the third grade with it short. Sticking out every which way… Oh. my. gosh. (delete long walk down similar hair trail). Just don’t cut your hair under duress – breathe and put it up in a ponytail. Stress and scissors don’t mix. Your hair will thank you. Someday. ;)

  5. Scarlett is talking about India Wilkes and her sister Honey. Sadly, Ashley got the pretty lashes in that family. Such a waste.

    Also, Maybelle Merriweather should never wear green, as it makes her skin look like an old cheese. :D

  6. As I have said before, something genius comes out after midnight in your mind. It’s like all the interference from the daily noise quiets and your stream of consciousness is fascinating. You need to be an insomniac more often.

    A mascara fetish eh? I can feel your pain. Have you ever wanted to try any of those eyelash stimulating growth products? I might be able to assist you! ;)

    Fried Green Tomatoes is one of my all time favorite movies.

  7. I was up too!! Always call my cell..if I am up I will answer!!

    Butter is always better on everyting (and my two big’s HATE it…wha???)

    I never ever was an emotional eater until this year, and I was never an eater after dinner either… I guess being middle aged has done it, but I prefer to blame the children! :-)

  8. Kermit, I clapped with delight! Yes, on all counts. It seems you may have read GWtW as many times as I have!

    Heather- Yeah, I know! One. Single. Hair. I dunno what thats about. It was like 5/8 inch long, too! It was worth the Lemonheads.

    Mo- yeah, I probably should have, I just couldn’t get over trying to chase all the kids at a pool… made my stomach go sour! Raincheck?

    Jen- I did not know the world contained eyelash stimulating products. Enlighten me!

    Yeah, my filters are all down after midnight. So far, I haven’t put anything out there I regret, so carry on.

  9. I mentioned that butter was delicious to one of my (male) friends a few days ago. He promptly asked me if I would eat a stick of it plain by itself for $100.

    I decided I don’t like butter quite enough to try that.

    I offered to do it for $300 but he wouldn’t take me up on it.

    Fats and sugars and carbohydrates are pretty good at assuaging my hormones when there isn’t anything else (or anybody) around that can (or will). I want to try some of Ree’s recipes sometime, but I’m trying to (sneakily and without his noticing) help DH diet (which is why I had to finish off the ice-cream yesterday…) so her butter-laden land of tastiness will have to wait.

  10. Life is better with butter. Homemade mashed potatoes are my ultimate comfort food, but a slab of butter on a freshly baked roll is a thing of beauty.

    Tonight I am going to the Police concert with Evan. Oh Baby! Are you jealous? I am going to send you a lash conditioning, growth product called Revitalash. I have been wondering who truly deserves this item and I think I found her!

  11. My odd, sparce, lashless eyes thank you Jen.

    kadusey, I don’t think I could do it either- as much as I love it (and I have been knows to swipe a finger across the stick) I don’t think even I could just chomp a whole stick…

    Of course, if he wanted to pay Beanie, he would be willing

  12. I did have a friend who would eat a whole stick, each inch on a single saltine. I like butter, but not that much.

    Love ice though. When I was pregnant with C two summers ago the AM/PM got a crushed (like snow cone crushed) ice machine. I was in there three or four times a day, lightly flavoring my 42 ounces of ice with a tablespoon or so of soda. Munch. munch, munch. Mmmm.

    Mascara. Does anyone know of a truly water and smear proof mascara? I used to use Marathon, which required cold cream to get it off, but never melted on me. I have tried about five different brands of waterproof mascara since they took Marathon off the market, but all of them smear within the hour.

  13. Jami, Jen at Mythbuster Beauty is the woman to answer your question- she’s an awesome beauty blogger and my friend. If it’s about cosmetics, she knows…

    Jen…?

  14. Eeew. I know someone who can eat butter straight. I have to adulterate it with things like pasta, or turn it into baked goods.

    I’ve had this awful, constant craving for ice each time I’ve been pregnant. The craving goes away right after the baby is born and my husband thinks it’s the funniest thing ever to bring me a cup of ice a day or two after the baby is born and watch me shudder. Right now the thought of actually biting on ice gives me the heebie jeebies. But when I’m pregnant? Have to have it.

  15. Thanks Jen. I’ll be giving them a try. I’d been just carrying a tissue around with me and de-smudging every now and then, but that’s just not fun.

  16. And Tracy, it might not be a bad idea to get your iron checked, either, sometimes it can be hard to get iron on a vegetarian diet. Just something to think about mentioning when you have some insurance and you have to go to a doctor to establish yourself as a new patient……

  17. Huh. Thanks for mentioning that, Wiz. I’m not likely to do the pregnancy thing again, but several of my sisters chew ice during pregnancy too, so I’ll mention that to them.

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