Waiting to Exhale

I’m out of energy to even come up with new metaphors and allegories for how I feel. I am tired, worn, limp and dusty. Things are hard. They’ve been hard for the better part of almost a whole year. It’s been a trial of almost everything; finances, faith, marriage, health, security, fears, hopes, dreams, patience and on and on and on…

I’m not so myopic that I think what I’m going through is unique or even that special. It’s not. It’s just life- sometimes life is hard. But I also get that things change, and looking back on my life, I know hard things don’t last forever. That’s the rock I keep clinging to- It’s not a whole lot, but there it is.

Hopefully soon, I will be able to look back at this year and count the tremendous blessings that have come from this trial- I could do so already, but I hesitate because I am skittish and fearful from being kicked so many times. The job is only a part of it- and while getting a job would fix a great deal, it wouldn’t make for instant perfection. It would, however, give me the breathing room to look around, squint at the unfamiliar sunlight, and gingerly dust off my tattered and sore arms.

I think I’ve been holding my breath for almost a year…

9 thoughts on “Waiting to Exhale

  1. i know what you mean…..i think i’ve been holding my breath that long too.

    here’s to the future, and the hope that things will change for the better.

    i wish you all the best.

  2. Tracy, I totally understand. We are just coming out of 4 years of shaky employment and many different jobs. My husband finally decided to start teaching high school, which was great, but he started working in August and we get our first paycheck tomorrow. I can’t wait to go buy “my” shampoo! Hang in there and pray a lot.

  3. While wallowing in self pity myself last night, my husband, trying to cheer me up, said, “Just think, if we weren’t having all these problems, we wouldn’t be able to feel so many miracles from the Lord. We’re watching tiny miracles every day that are keeping us from completely submerging. Maybe we wouldn’t notice them if we weren’t being dragged through the mud.”

    Try to keep smiling, it might be all we have control over…

  4. As DH always tells me: ‘Breathe!’ Then he invariably adds: ‘Well, that was half a breath. Now take a real breath! We *are* going to be okay.’ He likes to remind me that Lamaze is good for all kinds of situations, not just childbirth. Honestly, sometimes I want to smack him because I’m just feeling smothered and unable to go on, but his perspective and ability to help me breathe has helped us through some major trials – some of which you also know far too well.

    I hope you will be able to exhale soon, or at least take a great big breath to help you through the next onslaught. And continued prayers that you will soon be looking at this year through the perspective of hindsight!

    ( Hugs )

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