Soft White Underbelly

Sometimes, when I’m very still, I can see my heartbeat. It happened this morning, on the potty. Doesn’t that figure? The only time I get to sit still these days is when I’m peeing. It’s the silver lining, I suppose.

I’m really struggling with feeling wiped-out. I have so very much to do, and not enough hours in the day to do it all. My kids keep asking why there are no presents under the tree, and my pat answer is to wait until we get to grandma’s next week; yet, I swallow hard and gloss over the fact that there really are no presents under our tree.

The kids have been watching me make things all week. I have gifts done for my mom, my sister-in-law, my nephew, Mo, and two other friends. I still have to make things for about six other people, and I have three days to do it. Plus another friend is moving to Japan tomorrow, and I really want to see her, and have something for her- I don’t yet.

Remember how both my sewing machines broke at the same time? Well, my dentist’s wife came by the other day (she’s a quilter too) and brought me her machine, and told me to take mine in to be repaired and she and Mr. Dentist would pick up the bill. I want to be prideful and not take their help, but the truth is, I desperately need my sewing machines. Pride is such a bitter dish. But what an awesome dentist, eh? That’s some service.

I’ve been invited to several holiday luncheons, but I just can’t carve out the space. Plus, I’m cooking lunch for 20 on Wednesday at the Bishop’s Storehouse. I adore being at the BSH. I’m happy to go cook. I’m a little stressed because we’re leaving at o’dark-thirty that night/morning, and I have all that to contend with, but I know I love serving anyway.

We had our first real snow last night, and it’s really cold today. By real snow, I mean we got about an inch. I know. That hardly counts. It’s not even enough to play in. But that’s alright- you all know how I feel about playing in the snow? It hasn’t changed. I just would like the real snow to hold out until we drive over the mountains, if that wouldn’t be too much to ask…

I’m very excited about having Christmas at my mom’s. We haven’t been there for Christmas since Bean was a tiny newborn, and Jeffrey was two. Five years? Yeah, that’s a long time.

So I’m not sending out cards, I’m not doing any baking, I’m not shopping or buying any presents, I haven’t decorated besides the tree and the creche- it hardly feels like the Holidays. Hopefully, when I get to mom’s, that will all wash away. Do we ever get too old to want our moms? I’m on the darkish side of my thirties, and I still want my mom, I want her to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be OK. I want to sit in her kitchen with the comforting smells and sounds of home, and feel safe and loved. I want to see her familiar hands making cookies, and wrapping presents and playing with my kids. I want my mom.

16 thoughts on “Soft White Underbelly

  1. Moms are great. I just hope that someday when my kids are all grown up and out of the house, and maybe far away that they will still want there mom…even if they woun’t ever speak it out loud!

  2. Whadda ya want to bet that 10-15 years from now you’ll remember this Christmas with a special type of warmth. A fondness that you would never dream of right now.

    Go ahead and bet me.

    I’ll still be here 10 years from now to pick up my winnings.

    Moms truly are grand, aren’t they?

  3. I have 0 Christmas decorations up. We are going to my parents’ for Christmas, and so I don’t need to put any up here at home. I am soooo excited. There’s nothing like being with your mom for the holidays.

  4. All that is required to make me cry right now is playing “I’ll Be Home For Christmas”. Oh yea, it’s cheesy, I’ve heard it a hundred times but fact remains that I’ll have to be content with being home in my dreams. We have presents under the tree, have done some baking and shopping but would trade it all to be with my family for Christmas. It has been so long since I’ve spent Christmas morning with my family I can’t even remember the last time.
    Yin and yang, ebb and flow. Life has it’s cycles and I’m talking about more than our monthly friend. So while you’re in ebb and I’m in flow we can share OK?

  5. You went and made me cry. It’s been too long since I’ve seen my parents, much less spent Christmas with them. Even boys want their mommies.

    Btw, I’m on Tammy’s side of that bet. I know I would remember it vividly for years if we could spend Christmas with my parents this year – and money is the only reason we can’t.

  6. You made me cry, too.

    I firmly believe you’re never too old to want your mom. My mom’s over 50 and she still wants her mom sometimes, though her mom passed away quite a few years ago. I don’t think the need ever goes away. I’m so glad you get to do Christmas with your mom this year. I hope it helps you feel more like it’s Christmas.

  7. Just wait until you see just the front yard! There is not a spec of grass to be seen! It will feel like Christmas when you get here. Looking forward to dinner with you all on Sunday;)

  8. You know, when I go to my doctor’s appts (which are my stress) I still want my mom… we aren’t very close, but somehow if she could be there to hear & help, or even just sit in the room- I know everything would be so much better…

    Mama’s are important.

    Have a safe trip- and a happy holiday.

  9. Thanks for the link to your post about sledding. I am that kind of mom, too. All that work for so little time outside? Everyone cold and whiny? No thanks!

    We are approaching our 22nd anniversary. We’ve lived far away from home most of that time. We’ve been home for the holidays once in that entire time – during the 16 months we lived back home. We miss extended family, even though we have our own traditions.

    My parents are serving their third mission. Their having spent much of the past several years on missions has affected our communication to a degree. They called Thanksgiving morning – and the emotions that flooded my heart were these same feelings you described. Just hearing the sound of their voices made my eyes fill with tears. I want to see my mom! I want to see my dad! I want to go home to visit…

    Enjoy Christmas with your family!

  10. That is a wonderful story of generosity from your Dentist and his wife. Thank goodness!

    I love my Momma too, and yours sounds like one to treasure. I am so glad you can visit her over the Holidays.

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