t’s hard to know what the new normal is. Unlike when you are a kid, and you think adults know stuff, being an actual adult lets you in on the big secret- there are no answers. There is no big book of knowledge that cues you in on how to handle difficult questions, answers that suck, days that grind you down like a steel rasp, and dawns that take too long to come. Sometimes, things are just hard.

My children look at me and plead for answers I haven’t a clue how to give. My eyes well with hot, biting tears, and I hope telling them how much I love them is enough. Their eyes brim and overflow, and with the tears come more questions I cannot answer. I am the mama. I am the buoy. I am who will keep this fractured ship afloat. And I have no idea how.

Taking it day by day is even laughable. Really, its hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Waves of feeling strong wash over me, and I am renewed with conviction that I CAN in fact do this. Then the sun sets, the kids go to sleep, and the demons crawl out from under my bed and torture me with their unanswerable questions and demands for a future I cannot see and never planned on having.

Today was hard. I need small victories, tidbits and breadcrumbs to keep me moving forward. Today was a famine.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll eat.

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