I am struggling. Badly. Everything is just so damn hard right now. Just getting up and making the day happen takes all I can possibly muster, and I’m not even mustering it all that well. This computer thing has really got me bogged down and bummed. I cannot transfer pictures from my camera, I cannot type in Word, I cannot do my bookkeeping, I cannot create invoices, I cannot do ANYTHING except access the internet- for which I’m grateful, believe me- but having a computer that is nothing more than a netbook sucks. The wind has just been sucked out of my sails.
The kids are needy, and I am a husk. It’s a bad combination. The Holidays are upon us, and I am cowering in the corner. I’m not a cowerer. I’m brave. I can do hard things. So this malaise baffles me. I can’t even seem to figure out what I need to do. I know I need money, but not having a working computer is really hurting that venture. So sit here, paralyzed, unable to move forward, stuck.
Thanksgiving is in three days, and I don’t even give a crap. I hate turkey anyway. I can’t get it together enough to go figure out what I need to buy. I wandered around the market today with Jeff and Abby while Bean was at school, but I couldn’t figure out what to get, so I got some diet Dr. Pepper and a thing of Ben & Jerry’s. And the B&J doesn’t even taste good. Blah.
I’m sinking. I’m sinking, and I cannot figure out how to keep my nose above the edge of the water. I just want it to stop hurting. I have the presence of mind to know it will all be fine someday, and this will not last forever- but I just cannot see how to make it through the next few weeks without utterly falling apart. And I don’t like that feeling. Not one bit.