A Million Little Pieces

I am struggling. Badly. Everything is just so damn hard right now. Just getting up and making the day happen takes all I can possibly muster, and I’m not even mustering it all that well. This computer thing has really got me bogged down and bummed. I cannot transfer pictures from my camera, I cannot type in Word, I cannot do my bookkeeping, I cannot create invoices, I cannot do ANYTHING except access the internet- for which I’m grateful, believe me- but having a computer that is nothing more than a netbook sucks. The wind has just been sucked out of my sails.

The kids are needy, and I am a husk. It’s a bad combination. The Holidays are upon us, and I am cowering in the corner. I’m not a cowerer. I’m brave. I can do hard things. So this malaise baffles me.  I can’t even seem to figure out what I need to do. I know I need money, but not having  a working computer is really hurting that venture. So sit here, paralyzed, unable to move forward, stuck.

Thanksgiving is in three days, and I don’t even give a crap. I hate turkey anyway. I can’t get it together enough to go figure out what I need to buy. I wandered around the market today with Jeff and Abby while Bean was at school, but I couldn’t figure out what to get, so I got some diet Dr. Pepper and a thing of Ben & Jerry’s. And the B&J doesn’t even taste good. Blah.

I’m sinking. I’m sinking, and I cannot figure out how to keep my nose above the edge of the water. I just want it to stop hurting. I have the presence of mind to know it will all be fine someday, and this will not last forever- but I just cannot see how to make it through the next few weeks without utterly falling apart. And I don’t like that feeling. Not one bit.

13 thoughts on “A Million Little Pieces

  1. Sounds like bonafide (and justified) depression my dear – especially when food stops tasting quite right.

    I will double up my prayers
    and
    I will ask you to ask for help.

  2. I agree with Em– sounds like you need to ask for help. You certainly shouldn’t be making your own Thanksgiving dinner this year!

    And I wonder if you need to give yourself permission to go ahead and fall apart a little. You know you’ll get it together one day. But that day doesn’t need to be today. Maybe this year should be the Thanksgiving of B&J.

  3. It’s a roller coaster isn’t it? I thought I was past the angry stage of grief in my pending divorce situation, but then this weekend I slipped back down into having those one-sided conversations in my head where I tell him what a selfish, childish b**st*rd he is being – I hate that. I hate that I cannot just be on the other side of it all now. But when the child support is not happening and the help is not forthcoming, it is very, very hard to let it all go and forgive – because it is still hurting. As for the realities – you need to not be cooking Thanksgiving dinner. Throw some hints out to your friends/ward/neighbors and get yourself invited somewhere where you can just bring a pie – or better yet, the cranberry sauce. Good luck. It is not easy and I wonder every day what else is it I need to learn from this experience because I am ready to move on. Please.

  4. I’m sorry. love you.

    let people help? it’s OK to be human? make it simple and the kids will remember that you loved them on Thanksgiving, not that you did fanciness?

  5. Sweet woman-

    I just sent you an email, and your “new” puter will be on it’s way shortly, and we’ll make sure Word gets on it. Why don’t you look into Quickbooks Online Basic in the meantime? You get 30 days free, it allows for unlimited customers, and it’s only $9.95 per month after that. (Surely you can sell me one pattern a month!) AND-the best part-if your computer ever crashes again-all your docs are ONLINE! (safe) You can also access it from anywhere-anytime.

    And ditto ditto the “get some help” advice. I would never have made it without a loving doctor and some brilliant antidepressants. Seriously. If you aren’t coping well now…it doesn’t get any better for a while. Mamma needs to be healthy.

  6. I would put in a word for seeking help for depression. It’s a real thing and if anyone is in a position to be dealing with a bout of it, it would be you. I wish you so well.

  7. I’m sorry that things are so tough. I hope that there is something, anything, even if it’s just one, thing that makes you smile tomorrow- and the next day- and the day after that! You and your kiddos are in my prayers!

  8. So, I feel weird doing this – I don’t know you. I found your blog through MMW and I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I just wanted to throw out some advice about the holidays that came from my SIL’s experience. BREAK TRADITION! She said it helped because doing the same thing that they used to do when dad was around was just a painful reminder of what they had lost. So I thought maybe that could help you. Trying to have a Thanksgiving dinner at your home w/out him might be hard for everyone. Doing something completely different just might leave the kids with a fun memory instead of the memory of the first Thanksgiving w/out dad.
    Anyway, advice from a stranger – hope it helps.

  9. I’m with momofboys, break with tradition. Or better yet start your own. Thats what I’m doing this year. My kids aren’t huge fan of the “traditional” thanksgiving meal so guess what this year we are doing pizza. They are both very excited because that’s something we don’t do very often anymore. And I’m excited because it’s a whole lot easier than cooking a turkey that they won’t eat.
    You’ll get through this, just one step at a time even if it’s a teeny-tiny baby step. You and your kids are in my prayers!

  10. I also found your blog through MMW. It sounds to me like you might be suffering through a bout of depression. You might want to consider talking to your doctor about how you are feeling. Being someone who has suffered through depression for most of my life, I can tell you that talking to my bishop has helped me tremendously. He has given me lots of counsel and reminded me of things that I could try that have helped. The advice he gave me recently was to focus on gratitude. Gratitude for service that has been provided to me and my family, but also gratitude for the ability that I have to serve others in simple ways. Such a simple thing, but it has helped me to ponder on my blessings instead of problems. I hope this helps

  11. I haven’t been around for quite some time and am so sorry to hear about how things have changed. Divorce is never easy alone and definitely not with children. I will be praying for you and the kids.

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