Merry Christmas!

Did you believe me for a second? Did you imagine exhuberance? Psyche. I’m so tired. (and oh boy, can you ever notice my lazy eye when I’m tired!) Three days ’till Christmas. Am I ready? Suuuuure. If you were to just look at my house, you might think so. The tree is sparkly, the halls are decked, the stocking have been hung by my eager, oh so eager, children. I tried to make toffee to give to some of the people I want to thank. It didn’t go so well- and it’s my own foolproof recipe. Goes to show who’s the fool. One batch I burned, one batch I never let get to the hard-ball stage and was insipid. I fed it to Oscar the Garbage Disposal. And cried.

So much for pretending things are normal. Don’t get me wrong- we have been richly blessed. I am blown away each day by the incredible and kind things my friends and family have done for me and my children. Hence the attempt at toffee. Alas.

Boxes have arrived from grandma and grandpa, and aunties and uncles, cards from grandparents, and friends, packages I can’t open yet because they are clearly marked as such. My kids will have no idea what our situation is come Christmas morning. And while I am not so blessed, I refuse to think about any of it until the holiday is over and I am faced with a day where I can actually DO something, rather than just think and torture myself.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow… Tomorrow I will have something happy to say. Tomorrow I will not be so tired, and not be weary and not be sad. Tomrrow… Tomorrow is another day. It’s Christmas Eve.

12 thoughts on “Merry Christmas!

  1. Good morning to you. I never cease to be amazed when I come visit your blog. I am excited for the blessings you see and pray for the heartache you see as well. I pray that the day improves and little blessings peek out in the strangest of places to warm your heart and the hearts of your children. Keep your chin up.

  2. I hope Christmas morning arrives to bring you happiness and joy in the faces of your kids. Remember to allow others to bless you, it is your turn!
    Keep smiling and keep looking forward, one day at a time.
    My prayers and much love!

  3. em stole what i was going to say. your hair looks great :)

    As I read your post I thought about some things… We had a lesson on families in Sunday school. I know you believe in families – Mom and Dad working together to raise children. The reality of life turning out differently than what you believe to be best is so painful, tiring, and difficult. A silver lining is that you do know why it’s painful. You have knowledge of the truth to understand that God meant for men and women to help each other. That is why it is so hard on your own. If it wasn’t so hard, would we be so certain of the greatness of God’s plan? Can these times reinforce our testimony of God’s eternal plan even when the real life application doesn’t work out?

    I hurt for you, I love you, I’m thinking about the faith we share and how those truths can bring comfort in disaster and pain. You and your children are in my prayers – have a different type of Christmas. Not MERRY CHRISTMAS! But a ‘safe and content with mama bear christmas.’

  4. We had our Christmas morning today. The kids loved it, they didn’t seem to even notice that it was different from the past years. Family and friends have been so very kind. I’m am truly blessed that so many people love and care about my family. I feel the same for you Tracy, how very blessed you are to have so many people love you and your kids. But even with all that there are still going to be days that make you want to stay in bed, mine was Monday. Don’t give in to it ( atleast not to often. :) ) Even if it’s hard, try to enjoy all the little things that there are to enjoy. Life will get better, not on our timetable but the Lord’s. I keep telling myself that I don’t need to have all the answers, the Lord has them for me. Hugs and prayers for you and your kids!
    Oh and you are having a fabulous hair day, I’m envious!

  5. My “ex” left during the actual Christmas holiday season-then came back-then left again for good on Valentines Day. It’s been 11 years now, and those holidays are still bittersweet for me. The children have no idea, and probably never will unless God sees fit to grant them such insight someday. But I’ve learned something incredibly precious about what I now view as the only REAL, eternal, everlasting gift I can give my children every year.

    You see, I secretly absorb the memories and the residual pain of past regrets and hurts so that they can laugh and be happy. I smile and forge new traditions and bake goodies and fill the house with merriment and shiny distractions so that no one is tempted to bring up the past.

    I’ve thought a lot about it over the years, especially during Christmas because it was the time of year I used to love most. I loved the joy, and music, and smells, and secret purchases. I loved the magic and the snow and all the gladness that pours out of the human race. And then he spoiled it for me. When my family fell apart at Christmas, it put all that stuff into sharp perspective for me, and not in a pleasant way.

    But then one day I realized something. I realized that one night, a long time ago, my Heavenly Parents were probably grieving while the world celebrated. I realized that while Earth welcoming its long awaited salvation, heaven was suddenly empty of His presence and His love. While angels sang and the elements rejoiced, somewhere deep in their hearts-they alone knew the sorrow and pain that awaited their beloved, innocent Son.

    And in that moment I felt closer to my Savior than I’d ever felt before. I knew that He too knows what it feels like to absorb pain and regret so that others could laugh and be happy. I knew that He forged new traditions and filled the world with hope and love and joy rather than focusing on the past. I realized (in a way I never could have before my divorce) that not only did He personally understand my agony, my depression, my fear, and the red-hot sense of injustice that simmered just below the surface in my heart, but that He is personally the only source I can rely on to someday be completely free of them all.

    Christmas may never be sparkly and bright and filled with the world’s version of magic for me again. But I’m not sure I want it to be anymore. It has become sacred and deeper and a time of profound introspection for me that it never could have been otherwise.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. Remember….it came to pass…not “it came to stay”.

  6. Pssst— faking it can go a long way. Save the realism for best friends, some family (seriously, it depends on the family member!!) and venting . Also, you might be exhausted, but you look awesome in the picture. Really. :)

    From the girl who forgot what it was to be “pretty” for almost a year during the upheave. ;)

  7. I wish I lived close enough to rush over every night after the kiddos were in bed and eat ice cream and talk. You’re in my prayers and thoughts every single night, and as lame as it is I now know how helpless you felt during all my calls and tears over the last year. I love you babe, you know I do. And not just for your ice cream…

  8. My Bff’s husband left her the day after Christmas last year. They had just adopted a baby and when he left, Family Services came and took the baby back. Yup. He pulled a Juno. She lost the baby AND her husband… the day after Christmas.

    You’re not alone and in all sincerity: you are simply beautiful!

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