It’s like living with Calvin. So help me. I know I wasn’t going to write, but I have to preserve today for posterity.

*****

Bean, walking into my room: MOM! I really like how I feel when I say bad words.

Me, picking up laundry from the floor, full stop: Wha..? Um. Okay. You like bad words? How do they make you feel?

Bean shrugging and now skipping around my room: I just like it, inside, when I say them.

Me, trying to play it cool: So, um… what words do you like to say?

Bean: POOP! I like to say POOP!! And sometime (whispering) … fart!

Me, exhaling: Oooooooh.

*****

(I ran this one by my brother first to see what he though about sharing- he thought it was fine, so I’m going with it) We have one full bathroom in Little House. Bathtime is kind of hectic. I had just pulled Abby from the tub and Bean had gotten in. I was wiping down the counter and getting a dry towel, when I turned to see a Lego man fling across the bathtub, and Bean burst into uproarious laughter.

Me: What was that?

Bean: Look mom! I can use my wiener as a catapult! (he had an erection)

Looking in the tub, as he retrieves his his Lego guy, he pulls himself back again into the water, and lays the Lego man on his penis, and let’s it rip, and the Lego man flies across the bathroom. I’m not stunned into silence often…

Bean, looking at me: HEY MOM! Why does my wiener get hard?

Me, oh dear Lord why me. I opt for specific and technical: Uh…Well, it’s normal. A penis has tissue inside that fills with bloo…

Immediately interrupting, Bean: THERE’S TOILET PAPER INSIDE MY PENIS?????!!!!!

I can hear Jeffrey burst into outrageous guffaws from his room, and I throw down the towel, literally. I give up.

*****

Ten minutes later. I am in my room, helping Abby into her nightgown and combing her hair. Bean walks in, totally naked, dripping wet, no towel, hands on his hips.

Bean: MOM! So I have a little problem.

Me, in my head: no no no no no nooooo! Me aloud: What’s happened- you’re all wet, where’s your towel!?

Bean: Weeeeell… The water in the bathtub is blue.

Me: Huh? How…WHY is the bathtub blue, Bean?

Bean: Well, I said I had a little problem, and it was with Jeff’s man-soap.

(I had picked up some Old Spice shower gel for Jeffrey a few days ago- it had not yet been used)

Me, setting Abby on the bed and heading down the hallway: HOW blue, Bean??

The scent of Old Spice body wash assails me as I approach the bathroom. The tub is still full of water, but the water is bright electric blue. The empty container floats forlornly amid the deep blue suds. My eyes are watering from the smell.

Me: The WHOLE bottle Bean?? What were you DOING?

Bean: It was pretty and I liked how it looked while I poured it on my tummy. It’s okay mom, we can get some more, right?

There are four fans on in my house and all the windows are open, and my eyes are still watering.

*****

Now in my room, in jammies, and sitting on my bed, while I have the fan on in the bathroom and kitchen to clear out the Old Spice insanity. The boys are watching Shark Week, while I pointedly ignore the TV (have I told you how I feel about sharks? ridiculously illogically, terrified) Bean, stinking like DIAMONDS, crawls in my lap and whispers in my ear:

“Mom? Sharks don’t have tongues. But they are really nice, and if we just be nice to them, they won’t eat us all. I promise.”

*****

In the last week, he has asked me: how to build an atom bomb, if we can get a kimodo dragon, what would happen if he put the fire extinguisher in the bathtub, to make him list of the ten deadliest animals in the world, if a compound pulley would allow him to lift his own weight, how poison frogs work, if Eskimos eat penguins, why anyone would live in Antarctica, if he can have a BB gun, and if it’s possible to drill holes in the ceiling and hang ropes for climbing inside the house so he doesn’t have to touch the floor ever again.

I love this child with every fiber of my being. Somedays though, I am just so tired I want to cry.