A Big Old Mess of a Day

The boys started school today, but due to creative scheduling and all-day kindergarten at our charter school, Abby doesn’t start until Friday. At the same school as the boys attend. When you can figure that out, let me know. She jumped in the pictures this morning anyway.

As a treat to waylay her dismay over not starting school, I told her she could have whatever outing she liked with me. She opted for Sephora and escalator riding at JC Penny, her favorite stores. Not sure what to make of that, but I adore this picture I snapped on the escalator. Perfect.

She looks like my mom in this picture. Speaking of my mom, we got heated on the phone today- and if you know the dynamic, that’s not at all unusual- but this time it just left me wrung out and sad. I wish so much that things were different.

The boys seemed to like their first day of school; we had typical evening melt-down with Bean, which is expected when the routine shifts. It usually takes him a few days to find his new equilibrium. I just have to grit my teeth and remind myself that this is not forever. Jeff and Abby take the brunt of my dealing with him, which is both not fair, and making them compassionate and kind people. At least that’s the silver lining I find.

My butt and arms are so sore and achy from all the shots I got yesterday, and oh boy! I get to go back in on Friday for more! But hey, silver lining- beats the hell out of getting rabies, right?

Money is really really stressing me out right now- it’s not not having any- that’s normal. It’s student loans that (still!) haven’t funded, the dearth of child-support, and side jobs I’m waiting on payment from- it’s Bill Roulette around here- who’s going to get paid, and who’s going to get ignored this month!? Round and round she goes, where she’ll stop, nobody knows! I think people who are not desperate don’t understand how thin the line is between “okay” and “freefall”. I know it will all be okay. It always is. But damn I’m tired of closing my eyes and counting on that last frayed wing and a thin gasping prayer.

I’ve got friends and loved ones in crisis all around me- just this week, a surgery, a cancer relapse and a rape at knifepoint. I wish I was kidding. The surgery went well, the cancer is very bad news, and the rapist was arrested and is being prosecuted. Holy hell, it’s only Wednesday.

6 thoughts on “A Big Old Mess of a Day

  1. Hi, Tracy,
    I rarely respond because it’s kind of awkward to leave a blog of my own at the bottom of yours, but I just wanted to let you know that your entries usually really resonate (thought about using caps, but decided that was a little loud) with me. Our current paths are very similar, and it’s nice to see someone else trying to navigate this mess with as much grace and dignity as possible.

  2. I understand this level of desperation. Though our circumstances differ, the feelings are similar. I relate to your pain and hope and fear and determination.

    I’m sorry for the week your friends are having. Maybe some of the perspective you’ve gained over the past few years can help them scrounge up an extra measure of perseverance and courage. Much love and prayers for you and them!

  3. A Happy thought….all day Kindergarten? Yeh, you don’t have to negotiate the time sucking drop off;pickup in the middle of the day. One less worry and stress to cope with.

  4. This is true, Jane- I wish it was all-day, every day. But what our charter school does, in order to have one kindergarten teacher teach two classes, is that one class goes all day Tues and Friday, one class goes all day Monday and Thurs, and they flip Wednesdays. So one week, she has two days of school, and the alternate week she has three. It’s it’s own logistical nightmare.

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