Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I’ve lost myself lately. It’s easy to do in the hustle and craziness of a lived, messy life, but I looked up the other day and realized that life was driving me instead of me taking the life I wanted. If we forget to look towards the sky once in a while, we start to believe the dust and peril and pain is reality- when it truth, it’s simply a byproduct of the magnificence of souls descended to mortality. If we’re not careful, we can confuse the forms for the spirit. And I haven’t been careful. I have been numb.
There’s a million reasons why– life is hard, things aren’t fair, I’m tired, my heart hurts– and none of them matter. What matters is noticing and having the courage to do something, even if its hard. What matters is my remembering who I am and looking heavenward again to get my bearings.
We are all divinity in embryo- slivers of light, genomes of God- and we forget this so readily. We sell ourselves for a sack of silver, or for comfort, or for safety, or some other paltry worldly thing that makes us feel protected, because we’ve bought the myth that this is all there is… we’ve lost our faith in the promise of more.
How could I ever hope for my children to use their wings if their mama folds hers up and forgets they’re there? How can I ask for those I love to be courageous and turn to the skies if I am unwilling to do the same? There is much I don’t know, but I do know living a half-life is not for me- not for anyone- this is not what God wants for me, or this mama wants for her children.
So while I don’t know what it will look like, or what life has in store for me, I’m looking up, and meeting it head-on. I’m not afraid- I have faith and I am ready to leap.
[Lyrics, of course, from the song Defying Gravity from Broadway play WICKED]