I’m not sure how to get back in the saddle. My whole world has changed because of the kindness of mostly strangers, and simply plunking myself down at my keyboard somehow seems weightier and more meaningful. I plan on writing up something more sensitive and substantial on this, but for now, I just wanted to return and report.
Last week- just a few days ago, actually- I vented into the universe my fears and frustrations. Calling how I felt ‘afraid’ is really a tremendous understatement- I was at my lowest point I can remember. I felt desperate, without resource— I felt abandoned by God and utterly alone.
When I write, I seldom imagine who is reading. In my mind, a handful of friends check in and may or may not have something to say to me. My only guiding light is honesty; I committed a long time ago to never shy away from things because I am vulnerable or they’re difficult. What happened last week though has utterly taken my breath away.
It appears I was wrong about a small handful of friends. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine the incredible outreach that swept over me and my children. Scores of emails from friends, and from people who had never commented on the blog, but had been reading since I was pregnant with Abby, or who had stumbled upon me one day and then spent days going through the years of archives. People who shared stories from their own lives, and who told me I had helped them, or their mom, their sister, their cousin, their daughter, their friend…
For two solid days I sat curled up on my bed and watched my screen fill with beautiful, kind words that made my eyes swim and tears of gratitude splatter down on my keyboard. And it wasn’t only words. The generosity has been inconceivable, and with each gift to my family, however small or grand, came a note, a meaningful exchange of humanity, a sharing of grief or joy or some shard of who we are- and I have tucked them away to keep me warm. My lamp is overflowing.
Because of the kindness of you, (and you and you and you and you….) I can stay in Little House now until I graduate. I can focus on school now, and not worry about being homeless with my children. While I want to believe that was never a possibility, the truth is, I was that vulnerable. Now, I have a small cushion that we can float on while I focus on studying and getting my applications submitted and my essays written.
There is no way for me to ever thank most of you. But your names are etched on my heart, and I have been shown exactly the kind of person I want to be. This is Zion.