Couches that Suck

Way back a million years ago there was an episode of Northern Exposure (Aidan was Chris in the Morning first) where the bush pilot Maggie had brought a beautiful chair to her remote Alaska cabin, at expense and hassle, but once she got it there, she discovered it was the Most Uncomfortable Chair in the World. No matter what she did to it, it was wretched- and everyone who sat in it would slowly start to fidget and shift, trying to make it comfortable, but no matter what anyone did, it sucked. She tried to give it away, she tried pillows and donating it- but the chair was so horrid, whoever initially took it soon returned it.

I have the couches that match that chair.

My lovely, awesome buy, thrift store couches I scored the first week I moved here have turned into a joke in our house. They look good! The fabric is a plush, soft chenille, the pale taupe color is lovely, and yet, I dare you to sit. Just like Maggie’s chair, you slowly start to shift and squirm. You’ll cross and uncross your legs. You’ll move the pillows around. You’ll move your butt. You’ll scoot forward, then back. You’ll lean your elbows on your knees, lean on the arm, a scowl will slowly creep across your face… and you’ll realize you’re on the Most Uncomfortable Couch in the World.

I’ve tried fluffing the cushions, propping the springs underneath, adding pillows, adding soft blankets, tipping them back and looking at the undersides…. to no avail. It’s become a running joke, how much the couches suck. Forget relaxing and watching a movie- everything is wrong about them. Your back will tense up, you’ll put your feet on the coffee table to try and keep from sliding down, you’ll try and rest your arm on the back or the armrest- all to no avail. Everything— EVERYTHING— is wrong with these couches.

I’m putting them on Craigslist.

8 thoughts on “Couches that Suck

  1. Conversely, I have a very battered, stained, well loved couch that is being held together only by the stretchy couch cover that encases it. It is quite possibly the most comfortable couch ever crafted by the hands of man. This couch is so famous for it’s ability to lull a person to sleep that it is lovingly referred to as “The couch of death”. I know it should be replaced, I know it should, but what if I can never again find a couch of such ugly perfection?

    I know what you mean though. That totally cool damask wingback chair I have? Like sitting on concrete.

  2. In my basement sits the ugliest couch known to man, but it is really comfortable and six people can sit on it at once. It looks like someone barfed after eating carrots, but it’s so comfy I can’t throw it out.

  3. Yes, I think that the beauty of a couch is inversely proportional to its comfort, because in my basement I have some hideous couches (early nineties charcoal gray with pink and green stripes–we call them “Bill Cosby sweater couches”) that are super comfortable. They hide in the basement though because they are hideous. I have suffered with uncomfortable couch syndrome before and it sucks–I hope you find something better soon.

  4. Sometimes with age a couch gets better, sometimes you get lucky when you buy it. And sometimes you wish you could buy the floor model. And then there are those couches that trick you, the longer you sit the worse they get. My first couch set I got lucky- and then someone else got lucky when we had to downsize while moving- and now it would be at least almost 13 years old. Still miss it! The bright side….unwanted guests (not that you’d ever have those) wont stay long?

  5. I have a chair that sucks. I’m in it right now. I put an extra throw pillow behind me and my legs are propped up on a tv tray. From time to time I look for a better one. I’m just cheap.

  6. ErinAnn, me too. I want to jettison these (I’m sitting on the sofa now) but I don’t have the cash to buy another set/sofa. If anyone in the dc area has an old comfy couch they want to offload, give me a holler!

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