When carrying groceries in from the car, the gate will slam on you. Ditto the screen door. You will also not be able to push the button to open your trunk because your keys are in the same hand you have your purse, sunglasses, two other bags and your cell phone.

No child will hit the trash can, either kitchen or bathroom, when throwing something away. Ever.

When wearing new socks, you will inevitably step in something gross on your kitchen floor.

PC’s suck, and every time you have to use one, you will be reminded of this fact. Also, your children will constantly need help on their PC.

Scissors and tape both disappear into the same Bermuda Triangle as all the mismatched socks from the dryer. They’re all dancing some sick polka somewhere.

The junk drawer has every single piece of junk you ever were looking for, except for the piece of junk you are looking for today.

If you are an ice-chewer, the kind, type and brand of ice matters. It just does.

When you get the laundry all done, one of your kids will puke from the top bunk in the middle of the night onto the clean laundry basket.

As soon as they fill the neighborhood swimming pool, the cicadas will start hatching and the kids will be too terrified to go outside.

When you’re running late for an appointment, you will get stuck behind a school bus on a single-lane road.

You will always pick the slowest checkout cashier at the store when you are in the biggest hurry.

“Clean up!” to a kid is heard as “Lay around and throw your snack wrappers on the floor and shove the ones you don’t want me to see into the couch cushions!”

Some days you just can’t win. The only think to do is curl up with a cheap magazine and watch reruns of Veronica Mars.

p.s. As soon as you get all ten fingernails grown to the same length, you will break at least three of them down to nubs, all on the same day. It’s the law.

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