A Brief Pity Party

The little girl in me (not the one in my womb, the one in my psyche) really wants to go home now. I am fighting with my natural tendency to be too introspective and wallow in my emotions, and the more mature feelings I have about thankfulness, love for my little family and what I can give them, and deep gratitude for what Christmas actually is.

Perhaps it’s because Christmas has almost always been an exemplary time in my family- and I know what we are missing being up in the frozen (but beginning to thaw) northwest. Already I waxed on about what the holidays are like at my family’s, and I don’t need to do it again, but facing Christmas Eve with the same group that we had Thanksgiving with leaves me feeling a little morose. Oh, I know I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and count my blessings, and I intend to do just that, as soon as I cry a little bit.

One of my dearest friends is in the same little boat with me right now. She is in Colorado with only her fiance for company, which is not bad, but she loves her extended family as much as I do; in fact our parents are very close friends. When you have had the wonderful warm-fuzzy Christmas and grew up thinking that was the norm, being far away can be especially lonesome. I know, I know- Whaaah. Poor me.

It’s just that I miss my mom. Do you ever get over that? Are you ever too old or too jaded by life to stop wanting your mom? I’m not, and I am not ashamed to admit it.

Right now I wish my kids were asleep in the guest bedroom in my mom’s house, that my dear husband was snoozing in the family room with my step-dad while they pretend to watch old re-runs on Nick at Night, and my brothers and I were lounging around the living room with my mom, staring at the hypnotically spinning Christmas tree in the front window. Something about the spinning tree draws people in, and we always end up in there talking, with only the lights of the tree on. It is the closeness with the people who are dearest to me that I cherish the most. Taking on the phone, taking video and mailing packages cannot replace the intimacy and tenderness of shared time and proximity. This is what I miss most.

So really, things are great. My family is close, we are all basically healthy, and we have many rich and varied blessing to be grateful for. The Plan in for us to be there next year, and that is something to look forward to. My job, in the here and now, is to help my children feel the Spirit of Christmas, to know how much they are loved, and to cherish my role in being their mom.

And it’s ok that I miss my mom.

5 thoughts on “A Brief Pity Party

  1. It’s weird in my family. Because our family dynamic is to get together and then not talk to anyone. My brothers came home for Christmas this year, though, and I’m missing not being able to see them. (One lives in Taiwan and one lives in Philly.) My parents came down here for TG, though. And we’ve got my husband’s oldest/best friend here with us for the weekend.

    Haha, the word verification says “getme.”

  2. I MISS YOU GUYS BEING HERE TOO. Our late night dinners, after the boys are in bed. Sitting out front in my car talking, and talking and talking. I guess I can wait one more year for that. Missing you guys terribly.

  3. I miss my mom too! My birthday is actually on Christmas, so I want my mom for christmas and my birthday. But, where is my mom? Jetting off to France to stay with some friends….I’m totally jealouse.
    Instead I get to spend Christmas with my sister and her new jewish boyfriend…and my kids and husband of course.

    Do something special that you always used to do as a kids, start something special in your own little family, it might help.

  4. We miss you too. D asks about J everytime we pass your moms house with all her crazy lights and disney characters. One more year…we will wait too.

  5. I feel you Tracy- I really do. I appreciate your sympathies. This xmas has been very different…its like i’m waiting around for something christmasy to happen…and i have come up disappointed. jamie made it special, but i miss family and that feeling you get when you are with people and are doing something you only do once a year. love and miss you. chelsea

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