What has happened to my body? When did I go from being a tanned and reasonably attractive woman to this creature I am now? I’ll tell you. It wasn’t marriage- I still looked pretty good even after a year or two of marriage. And it isn’t that I “let myself go” after I got married, either. It’s my children’s fault. That’s right- it’s all their fault- or, rather, what their pregnancies did.
Strange things happen when you have babies. Hormones that allow the little squatter to live and grow inside your body never quite return to normal. And the more babies, the weirder you get.
With my first baby, my once smooth and tan legs grew strange, snakey, undulating, crazy blue veins. The doctor said they might go away after he was born- and they kind of did. But when I got pregnant with #2, they came back, with friends. And, it appears my legs are their new permanent digs. With baby #3 they brought even more friends- friends that were long and undulating, and some new ones too, that looked like pretty little purple spider webs around my ankles. I don’t need any tattoos, I’ve got veins, man.
There are also spots. White spots, the size and shape of freckles, decorating my legs and arms. They don’t tan. At all. I suppose I could color them in with a marker or something, but that’s just too much work. The White Spots also brought friends, and they are the Tan Spots, but they only like my face. The doctor? He said it’s hormones from pregnancy, and no, they probably won’t go away. Lovely. So I have white freckles all over my body, and brown freckles on my face. If I keep getting cuter like this, it could lead to serious problems!
Here is the kicker, to add insult to injury: There are now, (I shudder) small, random hairs that occasionally I find on my… chin. Ughh. It wasn’t bad enough that I’m speckled and have roadmaps etched into my legs, but now I have whiskers, too?? The doctor? Hormones, nothing I can do about it… there is some cream or something, but you can’t use it when breastfeeding, lucky me. I feel like the Dr. Seuss dog-thing that wanted to be in the zoo- but was so freaky he ended up in the circus.
AND, I know, I am not alone! Every mom I have talked to has her own horror story of waking up in Frankenstein’s body after she has a baby. So, darn it, I want to talk about it. If we are all freaky, then none of us are. And that’s what I need today! So, dish, ladies. What alien thing has your body done to betray you since you became a mama?