Panicking. Panicking… Internal panic for my sanity… My babysitter that I lined up for today is almost an hour late, and all my plans for the day are teetering on the edge of falling apart, and I am panicking.

I need to get away today. You know the feeling. The desperate desire to just be away– alone (well the baby would be with me, but, you know…) and to run some errands in solitude. I’ve tried to call her a dozen times, but he phone appears to be off the hook. On Saturday, I checked in with her, but I knew I should have reminded her last night with a phone call… Damn.

She is college student home for the summer, and a really nice girl- but I know she probably just forgot. How could she possibly know how much I need this and how I look forward to it, relish it, plan my week around my One Day

And so my plans for the day cascade, as well as the potential mental health I was going to retrieve. My disappointment is palpable, tangible. I could almost touch it- maybe throw it through a window? The feeling inside is bad. Kind of panicky and desperate. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

4 thoughts on “911

  1. Breathe… breathe… eat some chocolate… maybe shed a few tears…. breathe…

    It’ll be OK. Something the boys do today will be really cute and make you think “Awwww… what if I missed that by doing errands?”

  2. I have been in a similar situation and I certainly can relate to that feeling of desperation. I’m not sure if you’re looking for advice, but I would suggest that you consider establishing a regular schedule for getting out alone, or at least with just the baby. You have three very young children, and you need a break! I think a good solution might be preschool for the older two, even just 2 or 3 mornings a week would do everyone good. Or you could have a sitter come over on a regular basis.

  3. Sorry you missed your outing. Sometimes those moments come – at least to me – where I have to escape or someone will get hurt. These are usually the times that I put the boys in their room, little guy in his crib with a book even though he complains about it, bigger guy on his bed with a book, set up the gate, and walk away. And have a cup of cocoa or pray or sit on the front porch or take a shower – just something to change the situation. I don’t know if it really was one of those 911 moments where you thought you might lose it. Or if it was the drama of the bloggernacle. Hope it was the 2nd because I think those truly panicky, on the edge moments are scary.

  4. Anon- I have certainly had those edge of reason, need-to-walk-away moments, but this morning wasn’t that bad, as least as far as wanting to jump out the window.

    Really, I was just feeling so down and dumped about not getting to do my errands and what I had planned. It required me to reschedule my whole week, and there just isn’t anyone but another mom that can understand how frustrating that is. Certainly not a 19 year old college student. (Who, incidently, called and left a very appologetic message- she forgot, and felt bad- we are trying again for Thursday)

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