So I’ve decided that selling one’s home is a special level of hell. Evidently the criteria for being sent to this hell is as simple as planting a “yard arm” and a swinging sign beaming the smiling face of someone who is going to take your first-born, or the financial equivalent.
It’s like frickin’ musical chairs. Only the chair is my house, and I have to keep it white-glove spotless while keeping my children: a) fed, b) happy, c) on something faintly resembling a schedule, or d) all of the above and then some.
Hey! I know a fun way to make this woman go completely off her rocker! Let’s call her several times a day, at random times, and tell her we are dropping by in 20 minutes (or less)! We are bringing friends who might want to give her several hundred thousand dollars if they like how clean and neat her house is- and she can’t be there! Yes, she has three kids five and under, but no toys out, no hand-prints on the wall, no pee pee in the toilets, no face smears on the mirrors, not a pillow out of place, beds perfectly made, no dishes in the sink (EVER!), not a speck or stray sock of laundry to be seen. For even more fun, we are going to look in all her closets, the medicine chest, the built-in’s in the bedrooms, the kitchen cabinets, and even her refrigerator. Are you game?
Sometimes several people can show up at once. And sometimes, we will call and tell her we are on our way, she will pack her kids in the car and then frantically run back inside to vacuum and Clorox-wipe the counters, and then we won’t bother to show up at all. Other times, she will stay out for the requisite 1/2 hour while we look, but right as she comes home, gets the Monkeys unloaded and the baby asleep, we will call and do it all again. Then we do it again. And again.
Sound like fun yet?
Today, I spent over four hours in my car. With. All. Three. Kids. Not all four hours at once, but all four between 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. You do the math. There was an open house, then several calls… I would return from one foray to have another message on my answering machine– they’re “on their way over!” so I have to slog my butt back to the car and tell the kids, once again, we can’t go home.
Right now, we don’t have a home. We’re homeless. We have two houses, neither of which is all the way ours… one, not anymore, and one, not quite yet.