Random Crappy Darkness

We’re buried in snow. It’s tough looking for work when so many businesses are shut down or operating minimally due to weather.

My kids have been home with snow-days twice this week, and it’s Wednesday. I don’t want to be touched right now, and all my kids want is to sit in my lap and rub me, or pull on my skirt, or play with my hair.

The other night, after everyone was in bed, I had this weird image of trying to stick random pieces of clothing to my body, like one of those crabs that decorates itself, and hide from my family that way.

When you’re on food assistance, every molecule counts. I’m keenly aware that we are dependent on others right now, and I budget every penny, and every ounce of food. So, when the two week marker rolls around, I need to get to the storehouse. And no one else knows what I need- I have to swallow my pride and call the RS president and remind her that we need food. Again. And I feel horrible doing it- but I can’t just go to the store any time I like right now- so if I don’t get to the storehouse today, I won’t we able to get food until NEXT WEEK.

I still know we will be OK, I just don’t know when. The Cobra thing really threw me for a loop, and I feel deflated.

We’re supposed to get 7 more inches of snow tonight. No school tomorrow, either. I talked to Beanie’s preschool teacher, and in the seventeen years they’ve lived here, she has never seen it snow like this. We usually get an inch or two, and that’s about it. (Beanie’s preschool put him on a scholarship when they found out DH lost his job. I’m so grateful and humbled. I was worried I would have to pull him, further stressing him out, and due to the kindness of his teacher, he gets to continue going. It doesn’t matter how humble and embarrassed that makes me, what matters is stability for him.)

The kids are fighting all the time- it’s too cold to play outside, they have cabin-fever, and everyone is bored. I don’t care enough at the moment to do anything about it.

Let’s see, I know there is a silver lining here somewhere- what can I see? Someday I might make a great RS president because of all this? Yup. I know how to be very frugal now, and didn’t realize how much we lived in luxury? Yup. My faith has come back to the forefront in my life? Absolutely. I’m relying more on the hand of the Lord than on the arm of man? Without a doubt. I no longer wonder if this is where I want to be, because faced with the job offer requiring moving, I deeply and completely know this is where I want to make my home? Yes. And again, I say: Yes.

We watched a special on the History channel the other night about this guy who forges his own steel. He smelts the ore, hammers it, heats it and hammers it again.  I think I get the whole parable of the Refiners Fire now. Maybe we’re in the fire right now, and we have to be bashed a few more times before our impurities are sloughed off. At least, I really hope and pray that’s what’s happening. Otherwise, it just hurts.

20 thoughts on “Random Crappy Darkness

  1. This is most certianly “the fire”. I am sorry. You will make it and look back and be thankful for the experience someday (I hated it when people said that to me). Until then, go day by day or hour by hour.

    Our kids are going crazy here too. It has rained for about 4 weeks and it has stayed around 40 degrees (can you believe that? Here?). I feel like they are amping up and just keep spirlaling in behavior. They want to be on my lap, in my hair, etc, etc. Time for McDonalds playground in my house….

    Sorry things are dark and icky. I hate that. I wish I could make it better for you…. anything we can do?

  2. Oh. My heart hurts for you, tracy. That’s the best way to describe it. Mostly because I know how it feels.

    I want to find that preschool teacher of yours and give her a hug! What a blessing to not have to pull him!

    I’m tired of the winter weather, and yet there is no “winter” here. But the rain and cold won’t go away, so it’s nearly as bad. Okay, it’s not as bad, but we still can’t play outside. My resolve to lessen the TV watching this year has already failed.

  3. At least you still have the internet
    and a very faithful fan club
    I tried to send you some happy thoughts, but I expect the weather is making for a slow delivery.
    Hopefully they show up on a day when you really need them.

  4. I’m with you on the snow days. Bah!

    Hang in there. It would be much easier if you could actually see that light at the end of the tunnel, but it is there.

  5. You’ve never made me more grateful that I live in Arizona.

    Ok, you will make it through this, and to dredge up an old saying which is profoundly true:

    This too shall pass.

    We’re all praying. Keep the faith. Did you get the email from my DH?

  6. No snow days here… I’m sorry things are so crazy for you guys right now. You are right about the refiner’s fire. Sometimes when we are going through a trial I want to yell, “Just tell me what it is I’m supposed to learn here so that we can move past this trial!” It will all be for your good… easier to say than to believe, but I know it’s true.

  7. cut your cable. our cable is $79 per month, not much, but a week’s groceries.
    cut any and all other services you can do without.
    revise and trim down your cell phone contracts if you can. get rid of text or minutes or whatever will reduce the monthly payment.
    get rid of your pet(s). it’s harsh, but the church doesn’t supply pet food, so the money you are using for pet food could be used for something else. if you can’t bear the idea of losing fido/mittens give them to a relative until you’re back on your feet.
    if you have more than one vehicle, sell it. do the same if you have r.v., motor home, etc. you’re going to need that money for house payments, insurance, schooling expenses with the kids.
    go through the house and see if you have anything to sell on e-bay.
    get your etsy store up and running now, don’t wait.

    as bad as you feel for having to call the rs res., that’s the program. it’s a way to keep her from having to make many phone calls and leave the responsibility back on the receiver. it is not meant as a humiliation, just more efficient for everyone. don’t forget your day, they cannot be made up, they are set by the bsh, not your local leadership.

    you will be o.k. and you are not alone. try to relax.

    not meant to add insult to injury, just advise from someone who has been there. i hope your day goes better.

  8. Next time the kids drive you nuts, tell them to go get their bathing suits on. While their doing that fill up the largest tub you have with a little bit of warm water and let them play in the tub like banshees.

    Yes it will make a mess, but it will also spend much of their energy and they will think your a cool mom for throwing a pool party in the middle of a snow storm.

  9. While they’re in the tub, drop a few drops of some food coloring in there. That’ll keep ’em busy.

    I hate the refiner’s fire. It totally sucks. SUCKS. But, people do come out of it nice and shiny. I’ve seen it happen.

    Paint a picture of the snowstorm and sell it on your Etsy store for 800 bucks. Seriously.

  10. Here’s to Dandelion Mama’s fan club. What amazing friends you have here, and I love that swimming suit suggestion, can I borrow it?

    Don’t give up hope. Take care of yourself. Things will turn around.

  11. I’m just so glad he has a job offer. I haven’t read in a while and was freaking out that you’re in this situation. I hope everything works out, and quickly!

  12. I recently found your webiste through another one sharing your cinnamon roll recipe – thanks!. I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your honesty about your situation and for sharing it with all of us. Our family is struggling right now too. I felt prompted for nearly six months that I needed to quit my job as a Respiratory Therapist and stay home with my three children (I have a 4.5 year old and 3 year old twins – also expecting another set of twins in June). It was a really hard decision but I have never regretted it. We are struggling financially and scrambling to avoid forclosure – but I really feel like we will be blessed for following the Lord’s promptings. I too feel the refiner’s fire and am very encouraged by reading your blog. Thanks for sharing!

  13. Tracy, I have wanted to comment since I read your post on MMW about this, but my current schedule doesn’t always permit that luxury.

    I’m sure you don’t always see it, but be assured that you are handling this in a most amazing way. Your attitude, humility, and faith will go a long way towards buoying you up throughout this.

    As someone who unfortunately has gone through this multiple times, there are lessons to learn, a purifying process to go through, and a multitude of blessings — not only at the end of this but all along the way. They are hard to see during this difficult time, but hindsight will offer the understanding that the Lord is carrying you with abundant tender mercies.

    It is SO hard to see the beauty of the forest when you are hunkered down in the trenches by the trees. Take one day (or hour) at a time and do your best to continue to help yourself and to let others’ help you. Holding onto that perspective and hope (along with DH’s faith and optimism, and prayer) is what helped me get through these terrifying situations.

    I have just one suggestion beyond all the wonderful advice you received at MMW and here. When we were going through this, in trying to be self-sufficient for as long as possible, we used up almost all of our savings. There were astounding blessings associated with that, as we were able to support ourselves for much longer than we “should” have been able to do. But hindsight a year later makes me think that we should have left a little bit of a safety net in savings for AFTERWARDS. Every time we think we now have a little extra beyond getting back on our feet that we can use to rebuild our savings, we end up with unexpected car repairs or our kids’ school fees or some such thing. I wish now (I didn’t then) that we had asked for help from family/Church a month earlier than we did, so we’d have that reserve to help us get back to self-sufficiency. So my suggestion is to somehow(!) carefully allocate some funds for later as you are currently so frugal and diligent in taking care of your needs in the best way possible.

    Your son’s teacher (and school) has earned her (their) halo in heaven!! We, too, were blessed with similar help so our daughters’ didn’t have to stop their dance and piano lessons… It helped them tremendously to have some sense of normalcy and stability when there was so much uncertainty and stress around them.

    I also wanted to let you know, Tracy, how much I admire you. I am still fairly new to blogging and usually lurk more often than comment. But I have always been impressed with you, your comments and posts, your respect for others, and your testimony and faith. Thanks for sharing yourself through blogging!

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