Are you there, God? It’s me, Tracy…

It had to stop sometime, right? Because really, my heart is shredded and I’m having trouble picking the shrapnel from the hamburger left behind in my chest. Please let this be bottom. Please. I can’t breathe… 

Does God even hear me anymore? I know he must. I wish I could share my hell with you; the agency of others is hell on earth. I know you love me, and I know you are praying for me. I need it. Please.

29 thoughts on “Are you there, God? It’s me, Tracy…

  1. For you…

    “The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
    I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
    That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
    I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.”

  2. I’m right along there with you…the agency of others is hell on earth. Why, when you, I, and those we love are more than capable, do we often have to wait for the choices and decisions of others before we can take a step forward? The only advice I can offer is this: we also have agency. The most important gift we have is the agency to choose how we will react. Nothing sums it up more for me than what Dumbledore tells Harry: “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” From what I know about you through your blog, and through mutual aquaintances, you are stronger than anything that gets thrown at you. You can choose to not only “make it through” but succeed. Big hugs and prayers coming your way!

  3. Tracy I hope there is somebody you can talk to. But keep talking to God. Remember in Moses when God is asked why he is weeping? It’s the agency of men gone awry. (Moses 7:28-33…. one of my favorite chapters). I promise God is weeping and grieving with you and if you cling to Him not only will you make it through, but you will teach your children an incredible lesson by example. I wish it were easier, but I suppose that’s why it’s a good thing God’s in charge and I’m not…. I’d make a lot of things easier and probably mess everybody’s eternal progression up. God loves you so much! (We do too, but He loves you more!)

  4. The Brother of Jared reminded God of all He had created, done, and all that He, God was capable of. He also reminded God of their worthiness and need in being obedient to a command. He kind of sat God down and said, “Hey, can you throw a guy a bone here? You have done all this other stuff, this light in the dark boat thing is a cake walk for You.” God responded by asking the BoJared, “Well, what can YOU do for yourself first?” Off went BoJared and he came back, essentially and told God, “Here’s some ingredients, make us a light bulb.” At that point God said, “K” and poof you have glowing rocks.

    Tracy, remind God of all He has done, His commandments in regard to your family, your worthiness and need, and then give Him of your thoughts on some possible routes for solutions. Stand back and wait.

    In the MEANtime (boy was that aptly named) know that you *do* have faithful friends who pray with you.

  5. Amen to all that was said her. Living with the consquences of others is the worst kind of torture there is (I think).

    Prayers and love for you and the “hotel” is just waiting for some little red headed kids for when mamma needs a break.

  6. This morning I thought about being hungry. Is it the worst thing? I thought about it for a while, nope I’d starve any day to avoid any number of horrible things that can happen in life. And yes, most of them are caused by the choices of others. But alas, I’m well fed so I guess that means I’ll go on suffering, like you, for the choices of others.

    Something I learned about the atonement that aids me when I feel so eaten up by others’ sins- The atonement not only heals the sinner, but those the sinner sinned against. The atonement is infinite and does apply to ‘calatoral damage’= those of us left to try and hold up the world.

  7. I am so sorry that other people’s choices are causing you pain. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it all better, but my magic wand is broken.
    Remember that “The Son of Man hath descended below all things… All these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good.”
    I know there are times that we wish we could go through a little less experience. One of my favorite parables is that of the welder. He refines the metal in the fire. It has to be held in the hottest part of the fire to be rid of the impurities. But He never looks away, even for a moment, for fear of the metal being ruined.
    God is watching, and he is aware of your pain.
    I hope this helps.

  8. I’m sorry to comment again, but may I recommend the talk “Crying With the Saints” by Glenn L. Pace? I just read it, and it is beautiful. I would have a tissue handy, it did bring me to tears (although I am also pregnant, and thus highly emotional.)

  9. So many comforting words here. I especially like s’mee’s advice. I think I’ll use that myself the next time I am overwhelmed. I hope it helps to know you have a bloggernacle full of people supporting and praying for you.

    Tracy, I am crying with you and continually praying for you. When you run out of hope and find yourself banged up at the rock bottom, it is okay to rely on the hope and faith of others until you can catch your breath and regain your equilibrium to continue the fight to survive your challenges.

    You are stronger and more courageous than you realize! Don’t give up on the Lord yet, make sure you have someone to talk to, and for now rely on all of your friends’ hope and trust in the Lord’s timing for all of the experiences in your life. He knows you and is aware of you and your needs. I know this because He has been aware of me and my needs even in my darkest hours, and He is no respecter of persons.

    (( Hugs ))

  10. I’m tempted to call you up, and maybe I still will, but I also wanted to say it sounds like a perfectly perfect time to ask for a priesthood blessing from whomever you’d trust to give you one right now. (You can never have too many, you know)

    Mr Renn got a call a few weeks ago from the wife of a bishopric member (he’s their home teacher) asking him to come give her a blessing. She didn’t tell him why she needed one, she said she wanted to hear what the spirit told him to say (no pressure, right!) She felt her husband was too emotionally wound up in whatever the issue was to tell her only what the spirit prompted and not what HE thought… or something like that.

    And I love it that in nearly every blessing I’ve ever gotten, I’m told several times that the Lord loves me a lot. Somehow it almost feels like listening to God tell you Himself when it comes in a blessing. It brings me a lot of peace, maybe that would help you now too.

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