Or: Holy Crap I’m a Weirdo…
1. Flies. I know. They’re called bugs for a reason. But really, they wig me out. If there’s a fly in the house, I cannot rest until it’s dead. I’m a terrible swatter, so I have invented a way to get them- you squirt them with cleaner and they fall on the ground and then you squish them, doing an evil gleeful tap dance on their little fly parts. I’m a nice person. Really. Just don’t be a fly.
2. Ketchup that spits water out on my food before the runny red goodness. I mean, come on! It’s hard enough to get crispy fried food, you gotta dump insipid tomato water all over my stuff first? I’m kind of lukewarm on ketchup as a whole- I like it on tater tots, but not much else. Of course, my children would bathe in it. Actually, I suppose they must, if you measure how many bottles we go through…
3. Dry mouth.Gah! Even thinking about it give me the yeeshies. If I’m talking to someone and they have cotton mouth, I have to restrain the urge to whomp them over the head and run away. My skin starts to crawl and all I hear is their smacking lips while the words just float away, unheard and uncared for. I’m a bad person. Just carry a water bottle, for heaven’s sake! Spare us all- or at least ME.
4. Cotton Candy. Oh. My. Crap. How is this food? The horrid, nasty, texture makes my skin crawl and the skin on the back of my neck go all goose-bumpy. It’s just… just… so WRONG. And in Googling to poach this picture, I learned people actually LIKE how it smells- enough to make lip gloss, perfume and doggy shampoo smell like it! Heinous! Heinousness of Heinous. I would rather eat… peanut butter. Yes, peanut butter is better than cotton candy. And y’all know how I feel about peanut butter. I need to go shower now.
5. Brushing teeth. Ok, more like, brushing teeth as a family. Euwwwwsh. No way. Teeth brushing is a solo affair; if I try and brush my teeth with someone else in the bathroom, I start gagging and have to leave before I throw up. Not sure if this is a holdover from all the barfing I did while preggo, or what, but there it is. I can’t hardly watch the kids brush their teeth. It’s bad. What a freak I am. Why are you my friends?
6. The telephone ringing. I mean, who doesn’t like people calling? It’s not that! I love when friends call to talk. It’s just the jarring, electronic whiiiiiiine of the modern ring. It always surprises me, then I drop something or snap at the kids because my nerves are rattled. Gee, I wonder where Beanie got some of his quirks, eh? That is why I purchased an old skool phone for my kitchen that rings with a real bell. It rocks. You can call me on it. It doesn’t scare me like the other one, and after I answer, I will change phones so I am untethered and thoroughly modern.
7. Obsequious waiters. Oh man. Please please please don’t be a toadie to me. Just be a person. It’s cool to be friendly, it’s cool to be aloof if that’s how you’re rollin’, just don’t be all smarmy and fawning. It’s not going to get you a good tip- I’m a 20%-er right across the board. It’s fair. I’ve waited tables, I’m not complaining about shoes I haven’t walked in. Maybe some people like a showing of servile complaisance but really, just bring me hot food.
8. The sun.Oh yes, I know- Mr Sun is wonderful and makes all life possible on planet earth. Woo hoo! Ok, give the fiery ball of gas his props, then get out of my eyes. There is a reason I love living in the northwest. The weather here doesn’t bother me one bit. I like it when the clouds part and the rays slant down all picturesque, sure, but that’s about it. I hate being hot. I hate sweating. I live in my sunglasses- yes, even up here. But I do like sunshine on my shoulders…
9. Tuna in a can.I mean, maybe this a holdover again from preggo days, but why? Why would anyone want to eat cat food? Because that’s essentially what canned tuna is- cat food. Looks like it. Smells like it. Acts like it… hmmm. Ergo… My DH, who is lovely to me, and also loves tuna, is kind enough to wash the cans out, rinse the sink, and wash the can opener when he is done. I love him. It’s CAT FOOD, people!
10. Fluorescent lights. The flickering. The constant hummmmm- it drives me to distraction and I cannot think. The cold light, the sterile, ugly shadows… Give me some golden firelight, some soft amber glow, some warm, honey incandescence… I mean, can you hear Keira saying to Mr Darcy at the end of Pride and Prejudice “I’m fluorescently happy…” Yeah. Not even.