Comfortabley Numb

As a blog grows, so goes the annonymity of the author. When I first started, I cared about that- now, not so much. It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have the wonderful luxury of having friends and dear ones in my life that I would never have known. On the other hand, I have ticked off loved ones with what my restless fingers tap out late at night. When I first started, no one was reading, and I had freedom to say whatever I wanted- no one cared. Now, people care. And that’s a good thing. It also makes me more careful.

So what am I dancing around here? What’s the elephant in the middle of the room? Well- I want to write more about our situation. Our little, um, financial situation. Our little, as in, all gone, money problems. But talking about money is so gauche. It’s so crass and crude and well, so what. I have none anymore. But how do I write about what’s in my heart and what’s not in my pocketbook, without seeming pathetic? I have no idea, but I don’t much edit myself, so why start now.

We made six-months of savings last almost a year. But even the Hanakkah lamp eventually ran out of oil. We are out of oil. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Gone. Stellar timing, eh? Fun. December. In a matter of weeks, we’ll hit the full year mark. Ta-da! Here we are! Still together. Still plugging along. And yet, the coffers are empty. hellloooooooooooo…. that’s the sound of an empty well.

What now? Hell if I know. I feel like laughing. Is it manic laughter, dancing on the slick sharp edge of panic? Maybe. Is it softly humorous, scoffing at the hubbub of this mortal game we play? Maybe, when I imagine myself as cool. I’m not. Cool, that is. I’m a grapefruit- far from cool. 

The December bills are paid, and January? Well, who knows. I scoff at January. No, that’s a lie. I don’t scoff at much of anything now. I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and carry on.  I’m so used to hanging out on the end of this rope, I can’t even remember what terra firma feels like. When we eventually find land, I imagine my floaty feet will play tricks on my brain- like taking off your skates after a long afternnon at the rink and being confused by the static of the non-ice ground.

Well, for now, December is taken care of- January weeks away, and we’ll think of something. We have  ton of credit cards we haven’t touched- hey, yeah, maybe that’s a good idea! If we’re really irresponsible, maybe we can get a bail-out!

(*shaking head and wandering off aimlessly to bed*)

15 thoughts on “Comfortabley Numb

  1. I am still comfortably in the unknown stage of blogging. Recently my site count jumped because Google latched onto one of my images. It freaked me out- who is reading, why aren’t they commenting but instead casually mention that they read religiously? A bit of the heebee jeebees.

    Too much I open my guts and spill it all. It hasn’t bitten me in the butt- yet. Recently I wrote a very emotionally raw post and got one comment yet many friends and family visited my site that day. That feels like a slap in the face.

    With your money woes, I would keep it ambiguous. The moment you state specifics people begin to compare and judge, not that all of your readers aren’t wonderful but it’s human nature.

    I honestly don’t know what to say about the realities of what you are facing. At one point in my childhood my parents moved in with my mom’s parents with four children. I thought it was great, looking back now I can see how very desperately difficult it was for them. All these many years later they are almost empty nesters and remodeling their house and building their 401K. I guess I’m trying to say times are desperate, and some choices may not seem like much of a choice at all but this too shall pass.

  2. Oh my gosh! Lookit! A million dollars just came in the mail!! I’ll buy your house, but let you live in it rent free, because I am a real estate tycoon!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

  3. I really hope that something comes through for your family. It has to be very hard knowing that the future seems so bleak. I really wish that I had the money to help out all my blogging friends that are struggling financially, but since I don’t play the lottery and don’t have any rich relatives to leave me an inheritance it is not likely that a windfall will come my way any time soon.

  4. just today I was out doing some exchanges at the store as I was getting in the car to go home I saw someone in the parking lot tucking things in peoples windshields (which I can’t stand junk people leave in my car). As he started to hand me one he said, here, hope you win. I told him no thanks he could keep it. No I wonder what it is I could have won… I’m glad that you get to spend the holidays with family, I hope for a while you can relax and enjoy the holidays. Even if it is just for a bit.

  5. I know that awful feeling. I’m sorry.

    I have never ever blogged about money. Even though figuring out how to make ends meet–or even just how best to maximize what we have–is an almost daily concern for me. It’s weird how gauche it is to talk about money in our culture.

  6. You know, I was wondering whether maybe you should consider posting a bit about what job your husband is looking for? I haven’t been reading your blog for very long, and all I know is that he is having a hard time finding something. I was just thinking maybe someone happens to read your blog who is looking for just what it is your husband does. You never know. I wish you all the best!

  7. Wow I would have been out of money the minute my husband got laid off! Look at how blessed you have been for keeping the commandments. Just know you can hold on for a little longer!

  8. I second Kitty’s comment. I’m told 80-88% of jobs are found through people you know, but only people who know what he’s looking for will think of connections.

  9. I’ve read your blog for a while, but never commented until now. Your post really touched me and I really feel for you and your family at this time! I commend you for keeping it all together when I’m sure it’s quite difficult to and the fact that you haven’t used credit cards yet is remarkable. I could learn a thing or two from you! Blogging I’m sure is a way for you to cope and it shows you that people care. Best of luck to you!

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