As a blog grows, so goes the annonymity of the author. When I first started, I cared about that- now, not so much. It’s a double-edged sword. On one hand, I have the wonderful luxury of having friends and dear ones in my life that I would never have known. On the other hand, I have ticked off loved ones with what my restless fingers tap out late at night. When I first started, no one was reading, and I had freedom to say whatever I wanted- no one cared. Now, people care. And that’s a good thing. It also makes me more careful.
So what am I dancing around here? What’s the elephant in the middle of the room? Well- I want to write more about our situation. Our little, um, financial situation. Our little, as in, all gone, money problems. But talking about money is so gauche. It’s so crass and crude and well, so what. I have none anymore. But how do I write about what’s in my heart and what’s not in my pocketbook, without seeming pathetic? I have no idea, but I don’t much edit myself, so why start now.
We made six-months of savings last almost a year. But even the Hanakkah lamp eventually ran out of oil. We are out of oil. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Gone. Stellar timing, eh? Fun. December. In a matter of weeks, we’ll hit the full year mark. Ta-da! Here we are! Still together. Still plugging along. And yet, the coffers are empty. hellloooooooooooo…. that’s the sound of an empty well.
What now? Hell if I know. I feel like laughing. Is it manic laughter, dancing on the slick sharp edge of panic? Maybe. Is it softly humorous, scoffing at the hubbub of this mortal game we play? Maybe, when I imagine myself as cool. I’m not. Cool, that is. I’m a grapefruit- far from cool.
The December bills are paid, and January? Well, who knows. I scoff at January. No, that’s a lie. I don’t scoff at much of anything now. I take a deep breath, square my shoulders, and carry on. I’m so used to hanging out on the end of this rope, I can’t even remember what terra firma feels like. When we eventually find land, I imagine my floaty feet will play tricks on my brain- like taking off your skates after a long afternnon at the rink and being confused by the static of the non-ice ground.
Well, for now, December is taken care of- January weeks away, and we’ll think of something. We have ton of credit cards we haven’t touched- hey, yeah, maybe that’s a good idea! If we’re really irresponsible, maybe we can get a bail-out!
(*shaking head and wandering off aimlessly to bed*)