Sometimes, when I’m very still, I can see my heartbeat. It happened this morning, on the potty. Doesn’t that figure? The only time I get to sit still these days is when I’m peeing. It’s the silver lining, I suppose.
I’m really struggling with feeling wiped-out. I have so very much to do, and not enough hours in the day to do it all. My kids keep asking why there are no presents under the tree, and my pat answer is to wait until we get to grandma’s next week; yet, I swallow hard and gloss over the fact that there really are no presents under our tree.
The kids have been watching me make things all week. I have gifts done for my mom, my sister-in-law, my nephew, Mo, and two other friends. I still have to make things for about six other people, and I have three days to do it. Plus another friend is moving to Japan tomorrow, and I really want to see her, and have something for her- I don’t yet.
Remember how both my sewing machines broke at the same time? Well, my dentist’s wife came by the other day (she’s a quilter too) and brought me her machine, and told me to take mine in to be repaired and she and Mr. Dentist would pick up the bill. I want to be prideful and not take their help, but the truth is, I desperately need my sewing machines. Pride is such a bitter dish. But what an awesome dentist, eh? That’s some service.
I’ve been invited to several holiday luncheons, but I just can’t carve out the space. Plus, I’m cooking lunch for 20 on Wednesday at the Bishop’s Storehouse. I adore being at the BSH. I’m happy to go cook. I’m a little stressed because we’re leaving at o’dark-thirty that night/morning, and I have all that to contend with, but I know I love serving anyway.
We had our first real snow last night, and it’s really cold today. By real snow, I mean we got about an inch. I know. That hardly counts. It’s not even enough to play in. But that’s alright- you all know how I feel about playing in the snow? It hasn’t changed. I just would like the real snow to hold out until we drive over the mountains, if that wouldn’t be too much to ask…
I’m very excited about having Christmas at my mom’s. We haven’t been there for Christmas since Bean was a tiny newborn, and Jeffrey was two. Five years? Yeah, that’s a long time.
So I’m not sending out cards, I’m not doing any baking, I’m not shopping or buying any presents, I haven’t decorated besides the tree and the creche- it hardly feels like the Holidays. Hopefully, when I get to mom’s, that will all wash away. Do we ever get too old to want our moms? I’m on the darkish side of my thirties, and I still want my mom, I want her to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be OK. I want to sit in her kitchen with the comforting smells and sounds of home, and feel safe and loved. I want to see her familiar hands making cookies, and wrapping presents and playing with my kids. I want my mom.