Pushing the Boulder: Fat, Part 2

sisyphusHeather O’s post over at MMW got me thinking…

I’m basically lazy. Oh, I get tons and tons of things done- I’m creative to a fault- I have a million projects going at any one time, and I have more ideas  for more projects than accomplishable in this lifetime. But… It happens in it’s own time. I’m just along for the ride- and when I try to force it, it’s usually a disaster.

My business comes in fits and starts. My pattern tends to be: let things go until I am burried, then open up a can of crazy and run like a madwoman. I do that with little things, like housekeeping, dishes, laundry- but also with big things in life. I waited until I was 29 to have a kid- then I had 3 of them in four years. See? It’s feast or famine.

In thinking about my struggles with my weight, this same pattern fits. For years I just float along, sitting in a big innertube floating down a fat, lazy river. Then, one day, something will click, and I decide I have to do something. That something could be Weight Watchers or any new diet- I’ll join a gym or go Jazzercize at the community center, beat my brains out,  and start feeling pretty good.  I’ll lose some weight and get some praise from loved ones. But this is a struggle. It’s a constant, daily effort to resist gravity and keep myself moving in a way that does not feel natural.

It feels like pushing an enormous Boulder up a mountain. I keep waiting for the point where “exercising” becomes part of my identity- like the way “artist” or “mother” or “good cook” have become threads in the fabric on who I am. Yet it just never happens. It always feels like pushing that Boulder is something I’m doing while waiting to get back to my real life. I’m strong, and I can muscle that Boulder a long way up the hill- but the problem seems to be there isn’t a place to set down and rest- a place where I can park the Boulder on my journey, enjoy a little time doing something else, and then pick back up and continue up the mountain.

I doesn’t seem to work that way.

What happens is, I want to pay attention to something besides the Exercise Boulder, and it rolls back down the hill, and I have to start all over. Or worse. It seems the people who manage to love their Boulder, well, that’s what their lives are about- pushing that damned Boulder. How do I push the Boulder, and still take some snapshots of the flowers on the side of the mountain? What if I want to have a camp fire, or swim in a sparkley alpine stream? Nope, gotta push that Boulder.

And for me, life is full of such amazing things, I get really tired, really quickly, of looking at the ass-end of a Boulder.

10 thoughts on “Pushing the Boulder: Fat, Part 2

  1. Ha – Mr Renn woke me up at 6 on Monday to send me out the door to “run”. I am still recovering from the migraine that I got as a direct result of waking up that early.
    Sometimes I really wish I’d grown up in a home where exercise, or at least being physically active was a part of life, without having to make such a conscious effort. BUT since I didn’t, all I can hope for is that I fake it often enough that my kids grow up feeling like it’s a part of life without having to make a conscious effort to include it.
    Here’s hoping.
    I’m such a faker, in so many ways. All for the kids.

  2. ass-end of a boulder. I like that. I like you because you said that. I like that you showed me the ass-end of your boulder.

    What to know the ass-end of my boulder? That I finally started to like running and my knees went to hell. Isn’t that the way life goes. I know, I like swearing too much. You can go comment on my blog, where I don’t swear, and throw swears around all you like.

    Em, I bet your migraine was from pushing yourself too hard running, not from getting up early. I’ve been getting up to take my daughter to early morning seminary and it’s growing on me. (Yes, there is a smart aleck remark hiding in there – something about mold)

    wow, I’m looney, it’s the end of a long day. begging your pardon.

  3. I always get migraines when I get less than 6 hours of sleep. Every.freaking.time. With the not-sleeping-through-the-night-children that means any morning I have to wake up before 8:30. Just another reason to consider homeschooling.

  4. oh yeah, less than 6 hours will do it too. Yuck. Sorry about that. I agree with Tracy, homeschooling isn’t the answer. Cause then you can’t sleep when they’re at school.

  5. Totally agree! Eating food is integral to EVERYTHING in our lives. Eating as if you want to lose weight takes an extreme amount of committment and resistance skills that are almost impossible to stay strong with 24, 7. I think pushing the boulder is an appropriate analogy, albiet depressing as heck!
    As I get older (I know, I’m saying that now). I am trying to decide what I eat based on how I know it will make me feel. Is that huge and beautiful cupcake and that glass of milk worth 4 hours of stomach cramping? Its come down to that really- and I hate to admit, that the cupcake still wins a majority of the time.
    As for the exercise, the only thing that works for me is something that I find aesthetically beautiful. That’s what gets me there, then I appreciate the adrenaline rush and natural high once I’m there. Its the best when you actually start craving that like you do food. It all has to start with that beautiful place though…preferabley outdoors- not a gym, maybe your eyes closed in your happy place doing yoga? Or just gardening in your lovely yard or strolling along a tree lined path. Oh, and an ipod with Jerry for you to geek out to…


    Sorry to yell at you in the capital letters – stumbled over here and find myself in awe at your ability to put to words JUST HOW I FEEL.

    There I go again.

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