October the Third

Why, hello there Bottom. I was wondering when you would show up. How interesting. It seems being in a freefall for long enough begins to make hitting the rocks sound like a release- if only just so everything will STOP for a moment and I can pull my stomach from my trachea and shove it back down to near where it once belonged.

I say “once belonged” because really, with three babies and emotional eating, my stomach seems to belong spread all over my whole body. But that aside, I do want it dislodged from my throat.

21 months. Twenty one months. Twenty. One. Months. twentyonemonths.

And the truth is, it’s been hard for longer than that- that number, 21 months,  is just the amount of  days tears hours aches sorrows since the job was lost. January of ’08. Yup. Almost two years. 641 days. 15,348 hours. Give or take. You know how it is. Hold on- I feel a Rent medley coming on…

If you think this is a lead up to a happy ending, Ha! I’m afraid I’m going to smash you on my rocks. Nope. No happy endings here.  Got lotsa pain. Want some? It’s free. I’ve got tears, and anger, and sadness, and anxiety. Any of those sound good? I’ve got 15K in hours of hurt logged. I’m tapping out.

Houston. Houston, Houston, Houston. I’m tapping my worn ruby slippers together baby…. take me home.

Oh, and it’s my birthday today.

17 thoughts on “October the Third

  1. You know what to do with those rocks? Take ’em and start stacking them up and make steps because they are going to help you get back to the top. But save one, to remind you not only of the struggle, but that you had what it took to overcome it!


  2. Conference this morning was very comforting. I hope you can find some solace in the middle of such pain.

    Hope your day is filled with love.

  3. You get conference on your birthday – that’s actually pretty cool.
    Says me.
    It’s the little things that are big, and the big things … meh, they’re just there.

  4. Happy day you were born day! My birthday wish for you is that Houston is a huge success (wish I could drive the 5 hours to see you)! And that you have tons of fun!

  5. Yay for birthdays! And YAY for bottom! Things can only go up from here.

    I bet you’re missing your cinnamon rolls this weekend, though.

    Houston will be amazing.

    I’ve been thinking about you all day. Love you.

    P.S. I used a different email just to get a different monster.

  6. Happy Birthday! Hope Houston is fabulous.

    Tracy, you are strong and courageous, though I’m sure you don’t always feel that you are. Know that you have friends and fans who stand in awe of the way you deal with your challenges – the persistence as well as the messiness. You are an example to me of not giving up even when one hits rock bottom. You have taught me that it’s okay to find life’s trials difficult and it’s okay to talk about one’s burdens without excuse or guilt. Continued prayers are being offered for you and your family.

  7. I’m so sorry that life is rough right now. I don’t yet understand your emotions; although I feel I will soon (i’m just free falling right now) Please know that you will persevere, you will conquer. My thoughts and prayers are will you and your family.

  8. I’m with the stacking rocks for steps… don’t ever get so discouraged that you give up. From everything I’ve read over the years you seem like a true blue friend and I know you are stronger than this- all of this.

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! A day late, but I wish you laughter at least once a day.

  9. Happy Day-after-your-birthday! I hope your day turned out not too terrible overall yesterday, and that today was perhaps even a bit nice and pleasant. And if it wasn’t, well then, maybe tomorrow.

  10. Thank you all for your kindness and happy wishes. It was a birthday I won’t forget- but it was not a happy one.

    I am blessed by many things in my life. I don’t get to have everything I hoped for, or everything I’ve wished, worked or prayed for… but I have been blessed nevertheless.

    Yeah though I walk through the valley…

  11. Okay, I tried to keep it in because it seems entirely inappropriate, but I am so proud of you for getting a RENT reference in! Sad and wrong, sorry….

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