Looking Forward

So. Perhaps I’m more poetic, more heroic, when I’m also being vague and cryptic. Perhaps reading Dandelion is more fun when you don’t know the names of the demons that are haunting me. Perhaps. While I’ve held my cards close to my chest for a while now, I’ve also made it no secret that my heart was breaking.

Three days before I left for Houston, I filed for divorce.

There is a lot of personal pain that will remain just that- personal. This was not a step I took lightly or with anything but the most serious gravity. I tried everything humanly possible to keep from taking this step, but once the time came, I knew what I had to do. Publicly, all I will say is that sometimes the agency of others really sucks.

Right now, I am protecting my children. I am trying to keep our lives as normal as is possible; we are all tender and raw around the edges.  The kids spent the time I was in Houston down in California with my family, and I flew to the bay area to pick them up straight from Texas.

Now. I turn my weary, red eyes to the horizon, and I can see tiny glimmers of light. I don’t want to get too excited to soon, but I really, really think things may be looking up. The road is hard and there will be bumps, I am well aware. I know there are hurdles I cannot yet see; being a single-Mama is nothing I ever planned to try. But I’m going to make it. I really, really am.

The Lord has abundantly blessed me- with friends, family, talents, faith and hope. Now is the time for me to pull myself up, dust myself off, count my blessings, and get to work. And that’s just what I intend to do…

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51 thoughts on “Looking Forward

  1. Bless you Tracy, bless you. I can’t imagine how hard this was for you. You are strong. You are a fighter. You will get through this.

  2. Oh Tracy,
    I’m so sorry that you are having to travel that road. You are right the agency of others does suck. Know that you are loved, and are a great mama, and can do amazin things.

  3. Oh, Tracy, I’m so sad to hear this, but I know sometimes difficult choices like this are necessary. You are a smart, strong woman and I know you’re doing what you feel is best for you and your family. All my love and prayers to you and yours. xo

  4. No one is going to get you through this but you. You are a head strong, unbelievably talented, very independent woman. You always have been and you always will be. Look nowhere else but within you, and everything else will follow suit. Now get your ass (yes ladies I said ass) and make a name for yourself. Become the Tracy I have been waiting for.

  5. We are not going to let you fall because the faith that we have in you is strong enough to hold you. But the work required to get there is in you. I know this. This journey has been a part of your life, let it be part of your strength.

    I am so proud of you!!

    I love you!!

  6. Melissa, Moddy, Liz, Mrs. M, P-Mom, Kermit- thank you all for your kindness and your prayers. I feel them, and they matter. You’ve become familiar names to me here on the blog, and I’m grateful for your kindness.

    Deb- you’ve walked in my shoes, and I appreciate your support…
    HSF, Michelle and Ray, you have become real-life friends as well, and I’m grateful for your love.

    Michael- I’ve been the woman I want to be for a long time now- I’m just switching gears because I have too. I know you love me- and I know you’re rooting for me. You can say “ass” anytime you want to… 😉

    B- I love you, and am grateful every day that you are my friend.

  7. Agency: arguably both the greatest gift and most painful curse, all rolled up, mashed together, and encapsulated in one little innocent word.

    You have my prayers tonight. They’re about all I have to offer, unless you find yourself wanting some silly crocheted acrylic hats for your children.

  8. I’m sorry that you are going through so much pain due to the agency of another. I hope that things start to look up from here. I admire your creativity, your skills, and most of all your strength. I hope the light comes soon.

  9. Agency sucks. And yet the whole plan is based on it. It’s a painful plan. A glorious plan. Ultimately a joyous plan. But wow, it sure can hurt in the interim.

    I have no doubt that you will excel at whatever you do. Sending prayers and love.

  10. I am hoping more than anything that you find peace, lots of peace. Sometimes the right roads are the hardest roads to travel. May you travel this road in peace. Many, many prayers!

  11. I have your email– and I plan on sending something private when I have time to collect. Until then- prayers. Lots of them. And I promise- after the red burning eyes, there is light. I’m living proof. You will be too.

  12. You know, despite the heaviness of everything, this post is full of optimism and energy, which has been missing around here for a while.
    Makes me hopeful too.
    I hope you won’t hesitate to ask (us – all) for anything you need that’s in our power to supply. Prayers included.
    Love you!

  13. I’ve never commented before, but I read everything you write. As one of you online “followers” I feel I have come to know you a bit. And I am praying for you. I have never been in your situation so I don’t have any advice, but know that the gospel is true and through it, you can find what you need. I wish I could reach though the monitor and give you a big squeeze!

  14. I am so sorry that things have come to this. Agency does suck sometimes, especially living with other people’s choices. I agree that this post was actually very optimistic which was so nice to hear! Many prayers for you and your children – you will make it through this a stronger and better person.

  15. I don’t feel strong. I just have to do what I have to do- as would anyone in my shoes. It’s odd- I mean, what else is there but to keep on keeping on?

    Thank you everyone for your many kindnesses. I appreciate all of your words of encouragement…

  16. Oh, Tracy, I was so sad to read your post this morning, and I’ve spent the past couple hours trying to think of something to say. All I can find is I’m sorry this is happening, not only to you, but your children also. You are the best thing for them at this time and in the times to come. They will look to you for reassurance and strength. And I know you can give that to them. You are an incredibly strong and faith-full woman. My favorite line above was in your comment — “I’ve been the woman I want to be for a long time now.” I love it. For as much as you don’t feel strong, know that there is me over here in the other Washington admiring your strength. My prayers are with you and your children. You have a lot going on right now, but the other less complicated side is coming. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get there. And it will be “Life” not “getting through” or “keeping on.” And I wholeheartedly agree with something some others have said, despite the heaviness of your post, there is so much hope present. And I’ll say it again, strength. You can do this, not only b/c you can, but b/c you have to. They’re depending on you. And you will be wonderful. Peace and prayers my friend.

  17. I think this post is one of your most beautiful because of the great combination of recognizing the ugly truth, not wallowing in it, and having the strength to move forward. You show your integrity by refusing to play for pity points. Respect and well wishes to you.

  18. I was reading the rest of these comments, and the thought continuing to run through my mind comes from Elder Wirthlin: “Come what may, and love it.” He never said anything about what comes being easy… just to learn to accept it and move on.

    Tracy, we have shared your tears. We will share the burdens, fears, and joys that come as you and your children adjust to the new situation in which you now find yourself. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. You are moving on!

  19. Every time I read your posts I hope and pray that things will get better for you. Like Michelle AM just said: We have shared your tears.

    I love your attitude that you just do what you have to do. That’s just how it is! I don’t think any of us truly feel we’re doing anything noble or heroic; we’re all just doing what we have to do, and most often than not, it is enough.

    My prayers are with you and your kids. ❤

  20. I had a sinking feeling this was where the mystery was headed. Vapid comments about hitting bottom before you can push up again. Best wishes from a lurker.

  21. I’ve had to reread your post several times today. Today your post really hit home for me. Know that you aren’t alone. You do have family, friends (even those you’ve never met) who love you and pray for you daily.

  22. Tracy,

    I marvel at your writing, but it pales in comparison to your courage, faith, and heart.

    May the Lord pour out his Spirit upon you and your family.

  23. I agree with Ardis — your designs have a wonderful appeal because they are “homey” without being “cutesy.” They make me want to brew a hot cup of chai and watch the snow fall. They have warm familiar themes, but a flash of energy and sass.

    I’m glad your God-given talent will have a chance to shine before a wider audience. You have to believe you were meant to let that light SHINE . . . 😉

  24. You’re an incredible woman, Tracy. May you feel God’s love in this trying time, and all of ours, too, even those of us you’ve never met. Because we do love you. ((hugs))

  25. You don’t know me from Adam (or Eve), but I really admire you. I can’t imagine what a difficult step this is to take. I have been praying for you for two years now and I will keep praying for you.

    And I, too, loved your line about already being the woman you want to be. That is something I am working on being able to say.

    May God bless you and your precious family.

  26. I just came across your blog. Good luck with everything. I went through divorce about 5 years ago. It was tough – tough to be a single, working mother; tough to be alone, but it was the right thing to do. Stay close to the Lord, and He will, as He promises: lead you by the hand.

    I’m sorry you have to go through this, but you have a good attitude. And Heavenly Father loves to bless his children (sometimes it just takes a while.) 😉

  27. I literally gasped when I read your blog today. What a challenge, but I understand that some times you are left with no other choice. I am praying for you and your family. You will survive even when some days it will take all your strength just to breathe in and out. Please know that you are loved and I hope that the prayers of so many will buoy you up.

  28. ((Tracy)) I just read this – I’m so very sorry to hear this.

    I have been through divorce with a child and I know how difficult this can be. I will keep you all in my prayers.


  29. My Sis (diversifiedbeeson.blogspot.com) just referred me to your blog. She said it was very well written. It is. And that you are battling divorce with children. As am I. I contemplated starting a blog during this difficult time as word therapy. I wondered where the line of honesty in self-expression and privacy was. I wasn’t sure I could find it. You own it. Thank you for expressing real emotions and admitting to real struggles and not just a styled, fictional version of life. I’ve unconsciously retired from reading blogs right now (excluding my amazing sister’s!), because the blog-version of life is usually a little too perfect. And right now, that contrast with my own horrors is just too stark. Is refreshing that you offer a combination of honesty and hope, even during the lowest lows of life. Agency is not always the beautifully-packaged gift I thought it was, either. Sometimes agency arrives on your doorstep in the form of dynomite with a note: “For you, my love.”

  30. I’m very sorry to hear this, Tracy. I do hope that you’re right and that this means things will improve for you and your kids. Good luck with the transition; I admire your can-do approach!

  31. You have to do what is right for you. I told my RS president, that I didn’t like going to church because everyone kept asking about my ex….and why should I have to answer. And I might have bit them if they asked again. I wanted to shout… HE LEFT US! But they wouldn’t have believed that….. He was… in their eyes… a pillar. You will get through this. Ignore the nay-sayers. You are strong. Ya. you don’t know me from Adam or Eve….. but eventually you will find yourself in a whole lot better place. And my RS Pres. totally understood. They don’t aske about her husband…. who died, but divorce sometimes is much like a death…..So, Best of luck…and your kids….. they just need your attention…. no matter their age.

  32. The only thing that has been going through my mind, as I just read through the last month of your posts, is, “Oh, God.” And I don’t say that lightly.

    1) Your quilts are GORGEOUS, and you should be PROUD of what you showed.
    2) I don’t even know how to say this without sounding trite, but GOD BLESS YOU on the road ahead. You don’t know me, I know, but I’ve been a lurking fan of yours for quite a while on MMB. *mwah*
    3) Stupid people suck, and that’s all I’m going to say about that. God bless you, sweetie.

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