Settling In

t’s hard to know what the new normal is. Unlike when you are a kid, and you think adults know stuff, being an actual adult lets you in on the big secret- there are no answers. There is no big book of knowledge that cues you in on how to handle difficult questions, answers that suck, days that grind you down like a steel rasp, and dawns that take too long to come. Sometimes, things are just hard.

My children look at me and plead for answers I haven’t a clue how to give. My eyes well with hot, biting tears, and I hope telling them how much I love them is enough. Their eyes brim and overflow, and with the tears come more questions I cannot answer. I am the mama. I am the buoy. I am who will keep this fractured ship afloat. And I have no idea how.

Taking it day by day is even laughable. Really, its hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Waves of feeling strong wash over me, and I am renewed with conviction that I CAN in fact do this. Then the sun sets, the kids go to sleep, and the demons crawl out from under my bed and torture me with their unanswerable questions and demands for a future I cannot see and never planned on having.

Today was hard. I need small victories, tidbits and breadcrumbs to keep me moving forward. Today was a famine.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll eat.

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11 thoughts on “Settling In

  1. I hate that you are having to go through this, I hate even more that I know exactly what you are going through. Hold your kids close you are what they need right now. I hate that look in my kids eyes, I hate that I can’t make it go away. But look for little things that can bring a little happiness. For my kids it’s trying to do the “normal” things, fhe on mondays, game night of sunday, going for walks in the earlier evening. Be good to yourself, that has been the hardest for me, but taking time out for myself has been a lifesaver. Even if that time is 5 minutes extra in the shower to cry, do it you need it. I’m keeping you and your little ones in my prayers. Ask for a blessing, even if you’ve already had many it’s okay to ask for another.

  2. Telling you love them, holding them close, protecting what you can is enough. Take it minute by minute (second by second) and in time it will come day by day, month by month and you will realize you are living your new normal. A normal you never expected, but one that you now can live and thrive in. But just love your kids! Love them lots! That is enough.
    Meanwhile, allow others to help you, love your kids too, serve you as you adjust to the new normal.
    Continued prayers.

  3. I also second Moddy’s suggestion…a blessing. Get as many blessings as you need. Daily if you need them. Whatever you need to call on the blessings of heaven to get through another day.

  4. Tracy, you have tons of people in your life who support and love you and want to see you, but I wish you could jump on a plane to Boston today because I’d love to give you a big hug and make some warm apple crisp together. Hang in there.

  5. I wish I could give you an entire loaf of bread…

    Alas, all I have to offer is a reminder to play that Hilary Weeks CD as often as you can. It got me through a difficult time in my own life. It gave me hope.

    Taking things minute by minute will eventually get you through each long day and even longer night…

  6. Thanks all. Today is better. Not because anything is better- its’ not. I’m sick, the kids are all sick, but somehow I feel less drown-y today than I did yesterday. Who the heck knows. I can only do what I can do…

  7. Tracy, I haven’t read your personal blog for a while (I suck at keeping up on solo blogs), but I’m glad Melissa MC reminded me of it. I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, and I’m praying for you and your family. I hope things will only get better from here on out.

  8. My nights are my most depressing times too. I’ve realized over the years, as I’ve shed many a tear alone in the dark, that sometimes I just need to go to bed. If I can’t sleep then I read to keep my mind from racing and connecting all the wrong dots. Because many times when I wake up in the morning the problems haven’t changed but somehow in the bright light of morning I feel better equipped. It makes me wonder if Christ being called “the light of the world” has some literal meaning.

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