I’m raw. My nerves are shot, my voice is hoarse from crying. My muscles are tight and hot from tension, and I’m jumping at shadows. Sadness is being roughly shoved out of the way by anger. Very, very righteous anger. What I am having to live through right now is the effects of the agency and choices of another. The only choice I made was marrying him and being faithful to him. I honored my vows, and I kept my promises.
But because of another, I get to look in my kids’ eyes and try and answer their questions. I get to try and parse together an answer that is neither all truth, because they don’t need and aren’t prepared for that, nor all lies, because they at least deserve to have me try and be honest with them. I get to pick up the emotional wreckage left behind because someone else finds it too hard to deal. I get to, because I am their mother. And I cannot carve out time to even feel my own feelings, because it’s all I can do each day to keep bailing this leaky lifeboat.
I am angry. I AM ANGRY.
I have kids who are taking out their emotions on me. They are acting out in every way possible- and to an extent, I expected this, but I was not prepared for how drained I would already be when it happened. It feels like everywhere I turn failure meets me eyes.
What I desire more than anything in the world is to be a good mother, be stable, and keep my kids’ lives stable. Yet at this point, because of the decisions of another, I don’t know if I will even be able to keep my home. I don’t know what I will be able to hang onto. But with all another has taken from me, so many of my hopes, my other possible futures, I refuse- REFUSE- to give up my hope in something better. I refuse to fail my children. I throw down the gauntlet. I will survive this, and I will do it with my integrity, my spirit and soul intact. That cannot be taken from me.
Just watch me.