Move Aside

I’m raw. My nerves are shot, my voice is hoarse from crying. My muscles are tight and hot from tension, and I’m jumping at shadows.  Sadness is being roughly shoved out of the way by anger. Very, very righteous anger. What I am having to live through right now is the effects of the agency and choices of another. The only choice I made was marrying him and being faithful to him. I honored my vows, and I kept my promises.

But because of another, I get to look in my kids’ eyes and try and answer their questions. I get to try and parse together an answer that is neither all truth, because they don’t need and aren’t prepared for that, nor all lies, because they at least deserve to have me try and be honest with them. I get to pick up the emotional wreckage left behind because someone else finds it too hard to deal. I get to, because I am their mother. And I cannot carve out time to even feel my own feelings, because it’s all I can do each day to keep bailing this leaky lifeboat.

I am angry. I AM ANGRY.

I have kids who are taking out their emotions on me. They are acting out in every way possible- and to an extent, I expected this, but I was not prepared for how drained I would already be when it happened. It feels like everywhere I turn failure meets me eyes.

What I desire more than anything in the world is to be a good mother, be stable, and keep my kids’ lives stable. Yet at this point, because of the decisions of another,  I don’t know if I will even be able to keep my home. I don’t know what I will be able to hang onto. But with all another has taken from me, so many of my hopes, my other possible futures,  I refuse- REFUSE- to give up my hope in something better. I refuse to fail my children.  I throw down the gauntlet. I will survive this, and I will do it with my integrity, my  spirit and soul  intact. That cannot be taken from me. 

Just watch me.

14 thoughts on “Move Aside

  1. You ARE a good mother, and things WILL stabilize. It will just take some time. I wish I had my magical “time speed up” ball, but it’s broken.

    Love to you.

  2. I love the quote by David O’ McKay “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.” Many years ago, this quote was being discussed in Relief Society. Someone had asked Pres. Mckay to define “failure”. His response was “Failure can be defined as giving up.” So many of us feel like failures on a daily basis, but we are not, because we don’t give up. No matter what you do Tracy, I know you will not give up. Give yourself permission to be angry, hurt, sad and mad. Let your kids do the same. This sucks. Nobody should have to suffer the effects of someone elses behavior, least of all a wife and mother.

    ((((hugs to you friend)))))

  3. I love you , Tracy. This really sucks for you so , yes, be angry. Be sad.
    be hurt. Be frustrated. Then remember “this, too, shall pass,” and know you are in my prayers. I’m so sorry.

  4. Tracy I wish I could just pick you and your kids up in a big maternal hug. I wish I could be physically present to help with the explanations and the absorption of their acting out. I wish I could pay off your house. While I’m at it, I wish I could take away all your allergies and make it so your hair never frizzes.

    I hope you are giving the One who can strengthen you to be equal to this burden permission to do so. I am sorry it is so hard. I know you are strong enough to come out the other side, but that doesn’t mean that getting there won’t be awful, painful, and overwhelming.

    I am sorry that it’s bound to get worse before it gets better. I hope you are surrounded by people who love and support you… physically and not just here in cyberspace. Though heaven knows how we love you here!

  5. also…
    “Nobody should have to suffer the effects of someone else’s behavior”

    Um, possibly a justified “should”, but this is real life…. the bulk of real life is dealing with consequences to other people’s choices along with our own.

    So choose your actions carefully, because many many people will be affected by them.

    And cast the burden of other people’s choices on the Lord. He’s already atoned for their choice, whether or not they ever see fit to resolve their own actions.

    It’s okay to be angry, for a bit. But when the anger gets too destructive and distracting…. toss it. You’ve only got so much energy, and you need to spend it where it can accomplish something.

  6. “Just watch me.”

    I’m watching.

    And praying and hoping too.

    You made a comment recently that I love. Okay, actually, I’ve become slightly obsessed with the idea. You wrote, “I’ve been the woman I want to be for a long time now.” I want to be able to say that. And I’m getting there. Just working on the long time part.

  7. I remember a day when I was angry, maybe like yours, maybe not. I had finally made a choice not to be walked on anymore. It seemed to help me several times when I read in Alma chapter 44:17 first, and again in chapter 54:13 that Captain Moroni had also been angry. I think you are in good company.

  8. Yeah, anger sounds about right. Gauntlet down-throwing too. Still–don’t forget to be gentle with yourself. Imperfection isn’t failure.

    If it gets too heavy, remember that there are many, many people who are willing to help and to listen. Your bishop can hook you up with family services if you need to work through some of this with a professional.

    You are resilient. You will survive and thrive, all of you.

  9. I loved the ending…”Just watch me!” Such courage and determination. The determination that will keep you going each and every day!
    My heart goes out to you, and know that there are many people out here (in the world) that love you and are praying for you.
    Hoping you find that sliver of happiness each day that gets you to the next day. It will get easier. It will take time, but it will get easier!
    Love and prayers…

  10. I’m sorry you and your children are going through this. The ‘endurance’ part of the gospel plan seems so elmentary, but that word packs so much difficulty and tears.

    I like what Em said.

    Loves to you and your precious children. God can comfort them as sure as he can comfort you.

  11. Oh I believe it! I believe you won’t give up, won’t let your kids suffer more than circumstances dictate, will keep your soul and spirit and hope. I believe you’ll be strong enough to be there for them. Even though of course you’ll have low moments and some failures and weaknesses, I believe you’ll give yourself and your children enough of what they need. Blessings to you.

  12. I feel you! 🙂

    And are you, by any chance, getting tired of the phrase “hang in there” ?

    (I’m Bek’s sister, by the way. I’ve heard a lot about you and thought it was time I said hello 🙂

  13. Don’t know what to say except I’m thinking about you and hope that even with the hard days things get better overall. You are loved!

  14. Your post reminded me of a favorite quote I found on a plaque:

    “Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says ‘Oh hell…She’s awake!'”

    You are awesome and a wonderful example to your children! Take care.

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