Today was a hard day. I don’t know why. Some days I make it through feeling strong and directed, others, like today, I bumble along, a raw nerve-ending overreacting to every stimuli. My nerves bubbled to the surface in clumsiness; all day I knocked stuff over, dropped things, dodged when I should have ducked. I forgot to eat, then felt sick when I did eat. My head throbbed and I was cross and grumpy with the kids.
Yesterday, I noticed the fluid levels were low on my car, so I stopped at the auto parts store and asked them what I needed. I was proud of myself, and poured the whole gallon of antifreeze in the reservoir in the engine. This morning, when Abby and I went out in the garage to get in the car, the floor was flooded with slick pink antifreeze. It all dripped out overnight. Great. Now what? Can I drive it? I dunno. I backed half out of the garage so I could at least sop up the pink fluorescent goo with newspapers. I looked underneath the car, but honestly, like I know what I’m even looking at? I snapped a picture of the goo so I could show the mechanic, and another of the underside of the car where it was dripping. Why? Who knows. I’m a blogger. I document stuff.
So what did I do then? Why, I drove to the carwash. I can’t take a trashed car to the mechanic. Sometimes I’m such a girl. I used one of my carwash coupons, and sucked up all the old french fries and lost Lego pieces with the industrial super-sucker vacuums, then drove through the “magic robot rainbow carwasher”. I had nothing to do with that name.
I drove to the Jiffylube where I last got my oil changed, for not other reason than the guys stand out at the curb and wave at us when they’re bored. The were so nice. The looked at it, added oil and washer fluid, and didn’t charge me anything. My radiator is cracked. Oh, and I had overfilled the reservoir. Yeah.
Then, since the Soon To Be Ex was not returning my phone calls lately, I drove by his apartment. His truck was there, so I went in the office and asked the lady if she could call his apartment and have him come down and meet me. I guess he’s answering for others, because she got him. I waited in the parking lot, and kept Abby in the car. It was tense but brief, and it was public. I just shut the door and put on my sunglasses so he couldn’t see my eyes well up.
Then carpool, kids, homework, dinner, baths, jammies, a cartoon, books and bed. Oh, and some laundry happened in there somewhere too. As well as a phone call with my sister-in-law, whom I love.
Then, in an attempt to learn to use this fancy, awesome new computer, I went to apple.com and it told me I needed to download update. I said “sure, sounds great” and clicked the prompted buttons. Then, when it was done, it told me to restart my computer, which I also happily clicked. Then, catastrophe. The whole computer completely froze up and nothing, NOTHING would move or turn on, or turn off, or exit. Nothing.
I’ve had this computer for a matter of days, and I’ve broken it. I burst into tears, feeling incompetent, helpless, frustrated and just plain overwhelmed and mad. For a solid hour and half, I try every fix and trouble-shooting idea in the Mac book. Nothing. Just a spinning gear and a blue apple.
In tears, I go downstairs to fire off a pathetic email to my friends who might be able to help me from Old Bessie. In the five minutes I am downstairs, the Mac here fixes herself. I have no idea what happened, or why. But I got down and gave some heartfelt and teary thanks, then sent out another email begging forgiveness from my logical and mostly male friends for my tear-filled email.
Only 19 more minutes to this day. It’s almost over. Here’s to a better tomorrow…
Dandelion Mama 
Hard day, but you did good. Hold on to that.
Are you sure you shouldn’t be committed?
Honestly, you are doing beautifully. I’m not sure what expectation you have of how you “should” be doing/handling/hanging in there, but it might be a bit high. I hope you are giving yourself permission to have rough days without feeling guilty about it. You can only do what you can do, and when you’ve done all you can do, then you are entitled to unseen helps. (And as I think you’ve been receiving lots of those, you’re obviously doing what you can).
E is my brother.
As far as how I’m doing… well, days with this much hard stuff just leave me exhausted. I don’t how I ‘should’ be doing- I wish I was able to be more productive. I wish I wasn’t so tired and emotional. I wish I had some more reliable income. I wish I knew in January how I am going to get a job and pay for daycare, because it’s probably going to be necessary, and what that does to my heart just wrings me out. I wish I could remember what being lighthearted and happy felt like…
I’m so sorry that you had such a rough day. I had a day like that on Thursday. I’m going back to school in Jan. and thursday was orientation. It was so overwhelming that afterwards I sat in my car and cried. I couldn’t imagine how I was going to do it all, take care of my kids, go to school and not drop something. But as I calmed down I realized I didn’t have to make all the decisions today.
When you’re having that rough moment or day remember to pray ask for peace, ask for comfort for you and your kids. Call a friend and cry, remember you aren’t alone even when you feel like it.
When you get an upgrade on a mac, it takes a long time to restart. Upon restart the computer is installing the software or something. It scares me too sometimes! (Though it does not take an hour and a half, so maybe something funky was going on. )
Every new mac comes with 90 days of complementary AppleCare telephone support. The phones are staffed with lovely people from Texas. You should totally utilize this if you have another problem.
On days when I get overwhelmed by the chaos, I begin to jump at sudden noises. I find if I use a pair of earplugs I can still hear everything, but it’s so much less grating. I’m so much less edgy. It’s much easier than trying again and again and again to get the kids to be calm and quiet.
BTW, my best friend adores Macs because they just figure out their own problems and fix themselves. I’d thought she was exaggerating, but I guess not.
A day at a time girl, just one day at a time. This time in your life is one in which it is OK to live day to day. I know those long term things matter, but leave them at God’s feet and trust in him. Things have a way of working themselves out when we do that. Piling it all on yourself won’t make things better because you can’t do it all.
As for “I wish I wasn’t so tired and emotional.” That’s wishing you weren’t human. That’s wishing away the strength and good that will eventually come. That’s wishing that you weren’t going through the same things your kids are so that you can be sensitive to their emotions. That’s wishing that you never had a moment to rest, which is needed not just for your body but also your spirit and mind. I understand the sentiment, you know I do as a mom, but we have human limits and restrictions for a reason. Let yourself be human.