Heart on Pyre

The inky words swim before my filling eyes. My nerves are shot and frayed, like a tiny jumble of thready copper wires on a blown electric socket. If you had metaphysical eyes, black ash and smoke would have left a ghost-flame on the wall behind me.

I am losing my home.

My kids are healthy. We have good schools, we have a car that works, we have food in the pantry, we have water and heat and love still. We are going to be okay.

I am losing my home.

How long now have I told myself it was all going to work out? How long have I clung to fragile bubbles of hope? If I lose my home, do I also lose my good schools, my warmth, my pantry? Does it get so bad that thinking “At least my kids aren’t terminally sick…” is the best I can come up with? And am I then taunting God to dig out the really big guns and just dump the rest of what’s left in his bucket on me? Because at this point, if it’s really going to suck more, please just get it over with. Please…

I am not a victim. I am not powerless. But dammit, none of this is my doing. I sound like a petulant child, but it’s true. Everything we’ve had to live through in the last three years has been because of the choices of another. And now, even my home is going to be taken from me.

What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to do? And how do I tell my children? How do I tell them, without my anger and sadness spilling over? How do I do this? I am finally, utterly, at a loss.

30 thoughts on “Heart on Pyre

  1. There are no words that can make this better and if there is ANYTHING to be done please say so – I would love to help however I can …… for now I will say many prayers.

  2. I do not know you. I do not even know where you live. Yet my heart goes out to you. Your stories have hit a nerve with me. And today’s post just hurts. All I can offer is prayer and a personal belief that it is the start of a solution to come.

  3. Tracy, I wish that I could help you. You are so honest and through your honesty, I am comforted and reminded of what I have. My heart aches for you at this time. My prayers are with you and your adorable children. Please know that you are loved.

  4. I can’t. The divorce isn’t final, and all the chips have not fallen yet. I wish I could just spill the whole messy bucket and let it out, but it’s just not possible.

  5. My heart goes out to you at this time, all I can do is pray for you. While everything may be falling apart, the most important thing is your kids. I wanted to share something not so much to try and make you feel better, but just something that has stuck with me. Many years ago when we first got married we bought a house. It was a triplex and we put everything into it as did my mother. We rented out the third unit to the missionaries. Our first 3 kids were conceived and raised there. We had many parties and family there. It was a home. After 7 years we wanted to refinance, during the process we found the builder/original owner had committed fraud and had paid officials off. The house was completely illegal. We lost everything. Our credit, our home, everything we put into it. During the process I spoke to my sister in law. She was 30 with breast cancer. She actually told me that she would rather go through chemo than lose her house. We have lived in many houses since, my sil however, lost her battle. I have learned that a house is just a house, really. You can lose it in a fire or foreclosure or fraud. A home you take with you. It is yours forever, no one can take it away, not even your ex. You will rise above this external crap. In a year or two you will be in so much a better place. Don’t let the d-bags of the world win. Give your kids a hug. Because they are what is important.

  6. I am a friend of Rebecca’s (Bek) and as she well knows, I never comment on blogs, but I check yours daily. Your writing, your perspective, your humor are all things that I love to read.

    I am so sorry. We went through something similar (although without all the divorce stuff) this summer and I thought it would end me. I am sorry that you have to be the one who makes everything better without anyone there to take care of you. It just sucks.

    I have no wise words, but I just wanted to de-lurk and offer my support and my sympathy.

  7. That’s really awful, Tracy. Wish there was something I could do. But the commenters above are right—when all is said and done, it’s just a house. You’ll adjust eventually, as heartbreaking as it is. Even if you end up in a crappy apartment (like me!).

    And kids are incredibly resilient. As much as we wish they didn’t have to be.

  8. Don’t give up! You can do it. Tomorrow, this day will be yesterday. And one day, your better tomorrows will be better todays. Sending hugs and prayers to you!

  9. Don’t know what your relationship is like with the rest of your family but any chance you can move closer to them so that you have more help (emotional and with the kids)? I imagine your ex might put up a fight if you take them across state lines but you have a pretty strong legal arguement that until he starts helping take care of the family financially you need to do what’s best for you and the kids.

    My heart is breaking for you and you don’t even know me. I am in your state though so if you ever find yourself in the big Western city (as opposed to the big Eastern city) you’re welcome to come by for a hug and cupcakes! HeatherO knows how to find me.

  10. Sometimes it’s good to lose it all… really. Think of it as a way to have a fresh start. I’m not going to say I’m sorry… because, reading between lines it bring sback my own memories and haunts. I will say it will be okay. I will tell you your children will be okay.

    There is a lot to be said for fresh starts.. promise.

  11. Bankruptcy. It is quite possible to save your home and wipe out your debts…get a “fresh start” if you will. It is sometimes, the very best thing.

  12. I’m so sorry! This does seem like salt in the wound since you’ve been able to stay in it for so long without a steady paycheck.

    Like Susan M said – kids are resilient. Honesty from my parents went along way with me when we lost the family dream house 20+ years ago.

  13. I’m so sorry Tracy. I know exactly how this feels. Our business went kaput two-and-a-half years ago, and a year later we were facing foreclosure. The bank was not willing to work with us unless we could come up with everything we owed – all at once. They were not willing to let us catch up over time, they were not willing to do ANYTHING at all to help us get back on track.

    Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my home – not because of the house, but because of the wonderful neighbors, our community, our friends, our little town… I was not ready to say goodbye or leave. I cried for weeks. Unfortunately, we were so sure that it was inevitable that we moved out and moved to another state, got jobs there, and started trying to move on with our lives – and then, suddenly, once we declared bankruptcy (inevitable because of the business) the bank was magically willing to work with us.

    We are back in our home now – have been for over 18 months now. We learned quite a bit about how the whole process works during that period – if you need someone to talk to, shoot me an email.

    I’m so sorry Tracy. There’d better be a lottery ticket somewhere up ahead in your future – to make up for all of the crap that has been raining down around you this year.

  14. Tracy, there was a time, not so long ago, when I was so deep under rock bottom that it took a trusted friend to point out to me that at least my kids weren’t terminally sick. I was seriously at such a low point that I couldn’t come up with that on my own! The good news is that it IS survivable. Usually not in the way one would most hope for, but in a way that turns out to be a blessing in disguise.

    Many prayers and tears and cyber hugs from my heart to yours.

  15. Tracy, I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with this too. The wiz is right though, it can take a while. We were able to live in our home for almost 9 months after we knew that it was going to be forclosed on, and even then we could ba probably stayed another couple of months. Don’t let this do you in, you can handle it, with the Lord’s help you can. You have your kids, they love you and you are a great mom to them. I’m with who ever mentioned the relocating to your family, if it’s at all a possiblitily go for it. I wish that I could, but Idaho won’t let me, but WA it could be different look into it if it’s right for you.
    I’m praying for you and your kids.

  16. I’m so sorry.

    About telling the kids: Honesty is a bit overrated sometimes. How about we need to move to a smaller place because. . . It’s easier to take care of. Our place has asbestos/toxic mold I just fell in love with the cutest apartment–comes complete with that Lego set you’ve been wanting. Aliens need to land at this exact location. We really needed to move closer to the pizza place. This guy from Hollywood is making the greatest movie ever and guess who’s house they wanted to film it in!

  17. I am so sorry Tracy. It doesn’t help. I know.
    But there are many people out in the world praying for you and your family and hoping you might get some light and happiness in your life very very soon.
    Always willing to help, let me know…

  18. Tracey,
    I’m so sorry. I found this quote that hopefully will give you a smile.

    “Women are like teabags; you never know how strong they are until they’re put in hot water.”
    — Eleanor Roosevelt

    Just keep on swimming, you’ll have to reach the shore sometime and you’ll turn and look at the stormy, black dark waters you survived and cheer yourself for the person you’ve become, the trails you’ve survived and the blessings you’ve received.

  19. “Kids: we’re moving!”

    Really–kids are resilient and people move all the time. They don’t need to know the ugly adult reality of it until they figure it out for themselves (years) later. Should the move coincide with a new job or being closer to Grandma or what have you, so much the better.

    I know–I’m a gypsy kid.

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