I’m so tired of things being so hard for so long. I am so tired of my own voice. I am so tired of trying to keep my chin up. I am so tired of hurting. I am so tired of saying no to the kids. I am so tired of being alone all the time. I am so tired of being sad. I am so tired of smiling when I want to cry. I am so tired of wanting to cry. I am so tired of uncertainty everywhere I turn. I am so tired of freefall. I am so tired of feeling lost. I am so tired of trying to find the silver lining. I am so tired of struggle. I am so tired of being a raw nerve ending. I am so tired of people not knowing what to say to me. I am so tired of not being just a regular person anymore. I am so tired of floundering. I am so tired being strong. I am so DAMN tired of being strong.

16 thoughts on “Tired

  1. I think you have every right to be tired of all that. And I suppose I’m one of the ones who don’t know what to say often. But I think your awesome anyhow!

  2. Its okay to be tired. Sounds like you have fabulous family behind you, who are more then willing to help carry you! And remember…you’re never alone!….

    One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
    Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
    In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
    Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
    other times there were one set of footprints.

    This bothered me because I noticed
    that during the low periods of my life,
    when I was suffering from
    anguish, sorrow or defeat,
    I could see only one set of footprints.

    So I said to the Lord,
    β€œYou promised me Lord,
    that if I followed you,
    you would walk with me always.
    But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life
    there have only been one set of footprints in the sand.
    Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?”

    The Lord replied,
    β€œThe times when you have seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
    is when I carried you.”

    Much love
    Krystal (your official blog lurker!)

  3. One Spring day when I was in the Projects on my mission, it was a mushy, slushy day. Through the melting snow and mud, I could see people’s nasty trash from Autumn, half decayed and mixed with mud. It was disgusting.

    Just then the little rhyme went through my mind, “Two men looked out through prison bars one saw mud, the other saw the stars.” And I said to myself, “Look up! Don’t wallow in the foul mud–look up!” And so I did. Frankly, the view wasn’t much better. It was about to storm and ominous grey-green clouds shut out all of the sky’s beauty. And irony made me laugh. Hard.

    Sometimes silver linings just aren’t there. Sometimes there’s other people’s dirty crap that we have to step over to do what we need to do. And it’s nauseous. And unfair. And exhausting. I wish it weren’t so.

    Still praying for you all.

  4. I’m so sorry. I know that feeling – that ache in the back of the throat, not sure if you can hold on much longer, panic in the chest feeling. I wish I could do something to help. Hang on tight Tracy.

  5. I can’t imagine what it’s like to even be in your shoes, but hang in there!!! People you don’t even know are praying for you and your kids and hoping it all turns around for you soon!!

    PS: I have a friend going through a VERY Similiar situation as yours who is NOT LDS, but reading your blog has helped me understand HER emotions better and helped me to know what to say to her to encourage and uplift! So – I guess what I’m saying is that even though this is painful for you, your experience and your willingness to write about it and let others read it – is, in fact, helping others!

  6. I recognize this feeling. The tightness, the worry, the fear, the anxiety.

    The only thing that helps me is constantly reminding myself I don’t have to be strong all the time. What a revelation!

    And this is what I kinda can’t stand about the whole idea of self-reliance. It’s impossible. No one can do it all the time.

    Take a break. Allow yourself to stop being strong all the time.

  7. You don’t have to make anything all better.
    You just have to be.
    From moment to moment, then all strung together it will amount to enough.

    And forever and ever it will help to cast your burden on the Lord. It won’t resolve a single thing, but it will help.

  8. I wish that words could make it all better.
    I’m reminded of Grace’s Grampa in Return To Me saying “it is the soul that is the strongest that the Lord gives the most trials to. and you can take that as a compliment”.
    It’s easy to wish that the Lord wouldn’t trust us quite as much, but He does see the best in you. He is aware of your suffering, and He does love you, as do so many of us who are following your blog.
    I’m sorry I can’t do more for you, but I am praying for you and your family.

  9. I know this feeling. It is *ex.haust.ing* to be strong, to be brave, to pretend everything is okay when you’re freefalling through challenges. It really is okay to fall apart occasionally. I have found that it’s part of the process. It is hard to see now, but being tired of it all is part of the healing and part of the journey to the light at the end of the tunnel. (I wish that journey was easier!)

    “Enduring well enough for now” can be as small as taking things one second, one breath, at a time. That one second, that one breath, is still progress. Know that when you are too tired to carry on, you have friends who are willing to step in and pick up the slack – even though some of us can only do that via cyberspace.

    The soothing mechanism of my choice is chocolate – you need to get yourself a slice of cheese! I hope you have some in the fridge. πŸ™‚

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