Springs Eternal

Wonder by Natalie Merchant is blaring on my speakers while I unpack and sort yet another box. Slowly, order is emerging from the wreckage and chaos. The kids are laughing and playing with a jump-rope, as Bean attempts to teach Jeffrey to skip rope, which he just learned today. Abby is giggling. A friend dropped off a pizza on his way home from work- just because- and my Home Teacher came by to measure a closet which he is turning into a pantry for me. I stop, a bolt of fabric in my arms- perplexed for a moment as I listen to my children and feel the warmth as the furnace clicks on in Little House. A stray lock of hair tickles my neck, blown on the warm air from the vent, and I realize I am holding my breath. What is that feeling? What is it? What’s wrong?

I stand still for a second, like a doe in a glen. Alert, wary- and then realization rolls over me in shivering, hot waves. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong; we are not living in fear anymore. Tears flood my eyes and I want to fall to my knees; I realize I am exhaling for the first time in three years. I am relaxed, and my children are laughing and playing.  That feeling, that tiny thing I could not even recognize? It is the tiny, hopeful, deep stirrings of… happiness.

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19 thoughts on “Springs Eternal

  1. Yeah! I loved this post! (i love all of your posts) I’m so happy that you’re happy. you deserve it so so much.

  2. Tracy, I have been reading your blog for a long time. I am so glad that you are finding happiness again. You are such an inspiration to me. Thank you.

  3. I am once again left in awe by your writing. So beautiful!
    So glad you are catching hold of those tiny moments of happiness, peace, and calm. I pray you will get an abundance of them. Peace! Happiness! Calm.
    All is well.
    Good things are going to happen for you. Good things!
    Much love and prayers!

  4. Tracy- I am a long time reader… I don’t blog anymore myself and spend very little time reading blogs anymore but yours I never miss. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope in ways you can’t imagine…. Love that you are happy today.

  5. Another one here with watery eyes. I can’t express how happy I am for you right now.

    God continue to bless you – and to help you continue to realize the blessings that appeared previously to be curses.

  6. Tracy, I was hoping “Final” would lead to this. Congratulations. I’m sure there are many more bumps on the road coming up, but you’re on the right road.

    (BTW, I saw Natalie Merchant give a little concert in the park in NYC a few months ago and she is crazy! At one point she stopped mid-song to wave at cruiseliner passing through the waters behind us. “Aren’t you scared?” she yelled at them. Eventually she continued the song 🙂 )

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