Some days… some days bring me to my knees, and you can follow my path through the thorns by the drops of blood left behind. It is never far from the surface that I am one person trying to meet the needs of three little human beings. But it’s not only their needs I must meet- which are great and deep- but I must manage a regular life too. The bills, insurance, rent, gas in the car, the garbage, Scouts, homework, baths, laundry, cooking meals, bedtimes, IEP meetings for my autistic son, dentist and doctor appointments, school registration for them AND for me, church, callings, visiting-teaching and being taught, scripture study, FHE, and that doesn’t even begin to touch on the personal. The grieving we are all experiencing- that is always just beneath the surface. The acting out. The child who crawls in bed with me and weeps into my shoulder. The little girl who tells her dolls that she doesn’t have a dad anymore.
Everything on my list is likely on the list of every other woman reading this- I’m not special. The only difference? There is no one to share the weight. Child has an ear infection? Take all of them to the doctor. Out of milk? Everyone in the car. Need the Rx filled for the ear? Let’s go, buckle up. Kid with stomach flu and you’re out of bleach? It’s all you, baby. There is no “divide and conquer” anymore.
Yesterday was one of those days that left bloody footprints all over my life. By dusk, I had put all the kids in their rooms while I stood in the kitchen with the broom I had just broken trying to get a Lego from under the stove, and I cried my eyes out. So many things had gone wrong that day I figured sending them to bed to read was the best thing for all parties. You’ve had days like that. Days when your husband was on a business trip and you were counting the hours until he got home because you were so exhausted? I’ve been there. I remember that feeling. I would love that feeling now- the anxiety coupled with the anticipation that surely you could make it till Friday… what a relief Friday would be. Only now, Friday is never coming.