Hey look, I totally know that pizza looks awesome, all hot and drippy with cheese and chewy, yeasty, crispy, clay-baked crust. I get it. I do. Knock yourself out on the cheese and tomato part, but we need to talk about the other part. The bread? Yeah, that part. No, no- don’t check out, stay here- this is important, capiche?
See, I’ve got this little- ehem- “allergy” to gluten, and while you, all head and shoulders up there, may think since you haven’t had any bread in a while that one little slice of pizza won’t hurt. You may think this- but that’s the problem- you only think. And you are wrong. WRONG. I gotta live with it. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.
When you stuff that gooey, crusty, gluten-laden slice of pizza down your gullet, it may have tasted better than angels wings, but let me explain a few things to you, dunderhead. As soon as that gluten hit this belly, it was a five-alarm situation here. You hearin’ me? Freakin’ chaos. The alarms started going off, the acid dumps, the histamines flood the system, and chaos takes over. Five minutes later, the entire stomach’s in knots, and I was shoving the mess of undigestible gluten proteins out of the stomach and into the intestines, but they didn’t want it either, which caused cramping and spasms in the back.
Meanwhile, the respiratory system is soaked with histamines because gluten protein is a foreign invader and needs a beat down. So while the intestines were flighting the physical mass, the lungs and respiratory system were in a panic as the histamines clamped down to keep the gluten from stopping lung function. Hence the snot and wheezing. How’s that pizza slice sounding now?
So next time a piece of bread or anything with any gluten in it just sounds like a party for your mouth, stifle yourself, okay? Cause I’m telling you, we can’t take this crap any longer. It’s six hours later, and we’re exhausted from the firefight, and we’re tapping out. Put a sock in it.