Dear Mind,
Hey look, I totally know that pizza looks awesome, all hot and drippy with cheese and chewy, yeasty, crispy, clay-baked crust. I get it. I do. Knock yourself out on the cheese and tomato part, but we need to talk about the other part. The bread? Yeah, that part. No, no- don’t check out, stay here- this is important, capiche?
See, I’ve got this little- ehem- “allergy” to gluten, and while you, all head and shoulders up there, may think since you haven’t had any bread in a while that one little slice of pizza won’t hurt. You may think this- but that’s the problem- you only think. And you are wrong. WRONG. I gotta live with it. And let me tell you, it ain’t pretty.
When you stuff that gooey, crusty, gluten-laden slice of pizza down your gullet, it may have tasted better than angels wings, but let me explain a few things to you, dunderhead. As soon as that gluten hit this belly, it was a five-alarm situation here. You hearin’ me? Freakin’ chaos. The alarms started going off, the acid dumps, the histamines flood the system, and chaos takes over. Five minutes later, the entire stomach’s in knots, and I was shoving the mess of undigestible gluten proteins out of the stomach and into the intestines, but they didn’t want it either, which caused cramping and spasms in the back.
Meanwhile, the respiratory system is soaked with histamines because gluten protein is a foreign invader and needs a beat down. So while the intestines were flighting the physical mass, the lungs and respiratory system were in a panic as the histamines clamped down to keep the gluten from stopping lung function. Hence the snot and wheezing. How’s that pizza slice sounding now?
So next time a piece of bread or anything with any gluten in it just sounds like a party for your mouth, stifle yourself, okay? Cause I’m telling you, we can’t take this crap any longer. It’s six hours later, and we’re exhausted from the firefight, and we’re tapping out. Put a sock in it.
Love,
Your Body
Dandelion Mama 
oh so sorry tracy. my little guy is being tested for this right now. i would love to have the “answer” so we can stop the pain/itching/eczema, but on the other hand, i dread removing gluten from our house. as my oldest says, “but mommy, gluten is my favorite food group.” sometimes it’s just so hard to stay away from the things you love even when you know they’re no good for you. thinking of you.
I’m stuck between laughing at your letter and sympathy for your suffering. I offer you a little of both. Feel better.
I’m so sorry. And thank you for making a post out of this, and making us laugh. I hope you feel better soon.
I’ve marked this post as a favorite – this is exactly the type of post I need to write for myself. A strong reminder of why I shouldn’t eat that piece of pizza or french bread. Once I go without for several months, my mind forgets how my body reacts to gluten and then I decide “well a little will be okay”… not the brightest thing. And I don’t care what people say – frozen gf pizza crust or corn tortilla pizzas are NOT the same as the nice chewy crust of a good gluten-filled pizza dough.
My sympathies… but also my thanks for writing this good reminder 🙂
You probably already know this, but I just noticed that my favorite rice cakes (Quaker – white cheddar) say that they are gluten free! I know it isn’t pizza, but it is a seriously yummy snack!
Buy pizza crusts from here http://consumer.kinnikinnick.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/consumer.home.html As I understand they are now in stores in the states as well as their mail order business (I’m lucky I live near them and can go to their store) They are the best gf pizza crusts I have eaten, and are used in many restaurants here. They are a great sub for greek pita (the pillowy kind without the pocket) and I make wonderful baked cinnamon toast with them. My favourite gf bread product. I just passed 5 years gluten-free and you couldn’t pay me to eat a slice of regular pizza – just not worth it! I also love their sunflower seed loaf mix, I use it like self-rising flour in muffins and loaves – yummy! (No I don’t work for them lol)
Thanks Dot for the recommendation. I’m (clearly) approaching the point where it’s just not worth it to me either. I was miserable last night for hours and hours. Over a stupid piece of pizza! *dumb*
Oh, I feel for you! When you’re LDS and so many pop culture digestibles are off-limits it’s gotta be tough to add a whole other list to the no-nos.
I am so sorry your mind’s desire overcame your body’s common sense. Hope it’s been long enough that you are feeling better.
But I have to admit, you have an amazing talent for writing and this situation made an excellent post!
I think it helped me that my kiddos were off gluten well before I was. I absolutely never let them cheat, because I see the results (both behavior-wise and digestive-wise, what with them still in diapers) and I know how bad it is for them. As good as my husband’s pizza smells some days, I’m just never tempted enough to actually eat some, and I think part of it is the discipline I developed keeping my kids from eating all the stuff they’re allergic to. Plus I get the occasional reminder of how bad an idea it would be when I get something with cross-contamination issues and spend a night in the bathroom. Not fun.
As far as food suggestions go — Udi’s bread. It’s not cheap, but it is good. Bread was probably the thing I missed most going gluten free, and I didn’t have a decent sandwich for over a year (there were a couple other brands I could tolerate, but nothing I really enjoyed). Now I eat toast and jam as a snack again (it’s always been one of my favorite snacks), and it’s awesome. (Plus, it’s dairy, soy and nut free, so if my kids want some I can share instead of saying, “This isn’t good for you; it will make your tummy hurt.”)
Did you know that Honey Nut Chex are gluten free? And delicious too!
I have a big question (I am LDS too by the way)….what do you do on Sunday for the sacrament?
Either bring my own gluten free cracker (ideal) or take the smallest crumb of bread I can.