Get out your violins… Generally I try and be positive about what has been a pretty sucky situation. Today though, I woke with a heavy weight where my heart should have been, and felt like the Dementers had sucked all the happiness from my life forever. I kept reminding myself that these days happen- it won’t last forever- but it took everything I had to keep from crawling in bed and crying all day.
Most of the time I feel like I can DO this. The fact is, I don’t have many options- I HAVE to do this. But today, I just felt like I was crumbling under the pressure, failing everywhere I turned. Part of it being wiped out from summer with all three kids by myself. My own school has started, and while again, I know I can do it, today the doubts got the best of me. I stressed about new profs, new assignments where I’m not sure what the expectations are, and three very heavy reading and writing classes.
Then there is home- where I am in charge of all the normal household-y mom things like cooking, cleaning, laundry and the house, along with all the other stuff that a spouse might take on- like garbage, recycle, mowing, raking, edging, weeding, the garage, the car, oil changes, banking and finances… all of that is on me too. And yes, I know my divide is sexist and traditional, the irony is not lost on me. I lack the energy to be more creative at the moment.
We’re not getting any child support, and have no horizon on when that might change. The X has not seen the children since the first week of January, and that also may not change. It’s out of my hands completely. Even if he does gain the right to see them again, it will have to be with supervision for only three hours per week, with me providing transportation to and from, and negotiating and providing a supervisor.
My pattern business has kept me afloat thus far, but as we head into the holidays, stores are already stocked, and orders dwindle to almost nothing. In normal years, this would be the time to start working on new designs. For the life of me, I cannot figure out when this could happen- let alone muster the creative juices to actually flow. What that means is I am experiencing the pinch and grind of living on the edge of all my resources. It’s like looking down from a tightrope over a canyon, and having the world swim before my eyes.
I have to snap out of it.
I know I have many blessings, and I need to kneel down and count them. And I hope tomorrow it will be easier and brighter to do so. Tonight though- I am just so weary, I want to lay my load down and sleep by the river.
Dandelion Mama 
Tracy, I have a real violin that I could get out for you! Hang in there. Look at your mug of dangerously sharp pencils and smile at your amazing GPA from last semester and try to get a good night’s sleep. I think you’re right that things will look better in the morning, but I think you are also right that it. will. be. HARD. You can do hard things. I’m praying for your strength and success.
Dear Tracy,
I think you need a nap.
And some good cheese.
And some general conference…. 9 days.
None of which is said in a patronizing tone… trust me.
I hope you will find comfort in the following quote from Neal A. Maxwell – it has lifted my spirits on many occasions. He said, “When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. When we have been weighed and found wanting let us remember that we were measured before, and were found equal to our tasks.” Hang in there – Sunday will come.
I’m so sorry. That all sounds incredibly hard. I really admire you for your determination to get through school. Hang in there Tracy. Hang in there.
I’ve been on my own tightrope over my own canyon. Some days the balance seems so easy you can almost jump on the thin foundation on which you stand. And then there are the days and nights like this one… when the world is so blurry you can’t even feel the strands between your toes and your equilibrium is completely lost and you’re falling, falling, falling.
There were only a few things that could catch me and save me from my downfall:
* Finding ONE, at least one, blessing in my life: a hug, a smile, an obedient child, a phone call from a friend. Regardless of how big or small, if I could focus on just one act of goodness in my life, I had something to grab and hold onto.
* Remembering my mantra: Endure well enough for now. Even if “now” is just one second, one breath, at a time. For that one tiny sliver of time, I was progressing. It gave me moments to catch my breath.
* Trusting in the depth of love and caring of our Heavenly Father and Savior. Even in our darkest moments, They are there and understand. They *know* pain, loss, suffering, agony. They are the ultimate “been there, done that, survived.” Even when my faith floundered, the hope They offer kept me going. I kept trying to make it through one more day, one more hour, one more second.
Tracy, may you find a wispy strand to grasp to help you maintain your balance. Someday you will walk through this fire and find that the tightrope has become a balance beam. If we’re lucky, eventually we may even find a level floor beneath our feet to traverse!
I guess I’m saying it’s okay to have these moments of being overwhelmed. Just don’t give up. Continue to try. And remember you are loved by your denizens of faithful readers and friends.
Oh Tracy, I wish I had words. Even more I wish that I had the ability to lift some of your burden you carry.
It is okay to be overwhelmed. But from what I know about you, you will pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and succeed greatly! It is okay to stop for a moment, as long as you move forward eventually.
You are in my prayers.
I love you!
So that sucks. I teach college writing, and would (seriously!) be happy to look at papers and assignments and try to help ( from ideas to proofreading.). Hang in there. Also, after that amazing first semester, talk to the financial aid office at your school (or private ones nearby – not that you want to transfer, but if the money was good) about scholarships. If you’re near Gonzaga they might be a possibility. Even though state schools are cheaper, they give less aid, and you might be able to get a larger chunk of tuition paid.
It’s during these times that a Priesthood blessing would be comforting. Hang in there.
Hmmm…Lisa has a point…didnt you recently say something about an amazing home teacher? 😉 My favorite scripture is found in Alma 36:3, 20-21. These are my favorite verses because Alma teaches us that through trusting the Lord, our joy will one day be greater than any of our pains. I have faith that this is true for me, and also for you 🙂 Also, Check out this promise in the Doctrine and Covenants “Let your hearts me comforted concerning [you] for all flesh is in my hands, be still and know that I am God.” (101:16)
My heart goes out to you! I’m sending up prayers for extra strength and courage for your tough challenges.