Get out your violins… Generally I try and be positive about what has been a pretty sucky situation. Today though, I woke with a heavy weight where my heart should have been, and felt like the Dementers had sucked all the happiness from my life forever. I kept reminding myself that these days happen- it won’t last forever- but it took everything I had to keep from crawling in bed and crying all day.
Most of the time I feel like I can DO this. The fact is, I don’t have many options- I HAVE to do this. But today, I just felt like I was crumbling under the pressure, failing everywhere I turned. Part of it being wiped out from summer with all three kids by myself. My own school has started, and while again, I know I can do it, today the doubts got the best of me. I stressed about new profs, new assignments where I’m not sure what the expectations are, and three very heavy reading and writing classes.
Then there is home- where I am in charge of all the normal household-y mom things like cooking, cleaning, laundry and the house, along with all the other stuff that a spouse might take on- like garbage, recycle, mowing, raking, edging, weeding, the garage, the car, oil changes, banking and finances… all of that is on me too. And yes, I know my divide is sexist and traditional, the irony is not lost on me. I lack the energy to be more creative at the moment.
We’re not getting any child support, and have no horizon on when that might change. The X has not seen the children since the first week of January, and that also may not change. It’s out of my hands completely. Even if he does gain the right to see them again, it will have to be with supervision for only three hours per week, with me providing transportation to and from, and negotiating and providing a supervisor.
My pattern business has kept me afloat thus far, but as we head into the holidays, stores are already stocked, and orders dwindle to almost nothing. In normal years, this would be the time to start working on new designs. For the life of me, I cannot figure out when this could happen- let alone muster the creative juices to actually flow. What that means is I am experiencing the pinch and grind of living on the edge of all my resources. It’s like looking down from a tightrope over a canyon, and having the world swim before my eyes.
I have to snap out of it.
I know I have many blessings, and I need to kneel down and count them. And I hope tomorrow it will be easier and brighter to do so. Tonight though- I am just so weary, I want to lay my load down and sleep by the river.