I’m hurting so much right now. It’s that simple. I lack the energy to couch the sentiment in pretty language or paint with my words. I just hurt. Nothing more catastrophic than normal has happened. It just seems my ability to deal with it has diminished. The struggle to be everything is wearing me down like wind and water on sandstone. I am not made of granite, despite how it may look to people who glance at the outside and compliment me on my super-human strength. It’s not real. Someone told me earlier this week that she was complaining of her life, but then she thought of me and was reminded her life is good. She’s a sweet person, and I know she had no idea how her words felt to me.
It’s incredibly hard having X see the kids for three hours once a week. My prayers recently are simply to be charitable and for bitterness to stay far away from my heart. But X is the hero, returned after a long absence, who gets to have fun and play Wii and games with the kids. I cannot remind the children that his long absence was brought on himself and mandated by the courts and I am the one who picks up the pieces and disciplines and acts like a parent after he drives away. How is it a man can be months delinquent on child support, but still have the right to see his children (with court-ordered supervision, mind you)? How is this in any way fair? And it just doesn’t matter. Fair is not fair.
There is strife and dissolution in my extended family, and I am not free to write about any of it- which is fine, because my plate is so overfull with sadness I don’t have energy for anyone else’s right now. But it still adds to my hurt burden.
I’m running as fast and as hard as I can in what feels like deep sand. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I’m not sleeping well again, and if I were a drinker, I can see how finding the bottom of a glass would seem pretty good right now. I’m not a drinker, and so I find myself in the kitchen at 2 am making hash browns and drinking a cranberry juice. Carb up- numb those feelings, one way or another. I’m aware enough to recognize it for what it is, but not powerful enough to put the pan of potatoes down the garbage disposal. Instead, I eat, and feel sick, and want to throw up.
It’s hard to keep getting back up over and over and over and over- you start to lose trust and wonder when the sky is going to fall on your head and what horrible thing is waiting around the corner to eat you alive.