One year ago today, the final papers for the dissolution of my marriage were signed. I wrote about it here, and it still makes me choke up to read it- even a year later, it’s still too raw, still hurts too much. While the divorce has only been legally final for a year, the separation was legal from the previous October (hell of a birthday that was, filing for divorce) and so I’m heading into month 18 of doing this whole shebang solo.
We’d been in Little House for three days. I was still swallowed in the agony of losing what I thought was my life- but also absolutely certain that I had done the right thing in moving on. That has been the single biggest blessing of the last year and half- that I knew, with all my heart, that I was supposed to leave- pain, sorrow and grief aside- I had to. That knowledge kept me afloat when I thought I might die of sadness. I might not have known what came next, but I knew clearly what I had to release.
Now, a year later… so much has changed. Things are still hard. Some days I still sit down and allow myself a good solid cry. But… my life has opened up in ways I could not have imagined. I’m three quarters from finishing my degree, and four more from finishing my Masters. I’m on the Dean’s list and pulling a 4.0 in all my classes so far. I’ve got advisors encouraging me to their programs, and I’ve got prospects with tremendous intellectual and academic validation. It feels great, honestly.
Little House feels like home, even if only temporarily. My kids laugh and fight and play and cry and laugh some more. The laughter and play outweighs the other stuff, so I consider that a success. They’re normal kids. I can’t ask for more than that- sure, they’ve had to deal with things I wish they hadn’t. There has been sadness and grief. But we’ve walked through it together, and they are flexible, strong little people.
They’ve adjusted to having mama busy with school and no longer completely at their disposal. I might even go so far as to say it’s been good for them to have to share me with my own life. I’m no longer the human napkin or just Their Mom. Mama’s got things to do and places to go- and they never doubt that I love them, but they also know that I have drive, desires and purpose outside of being Mama. I hope that carries some good stuff with it for them into their lives. I hope they see clearly that they can triumph over hard things, and that they are strong, capable people.
Personally, for me– the future is wide open. I’m happy. I’m taking better care of me than I ever have in my life. Sure, there are things missing that I would like to have; but I’m working towards them, in some shape or form, in all areas. I’m capable, strong, I know who I am, and I’m not looking for anyone to rescue me from a life I don’t want. I’ve chosen this course, and while parts of it suck still, there are shining gems of happiness and joy to be mined as well. I think I can call that, without hubris, a year well spent…
Dandelion Mama 
It can be surprising sometimes to look back and see how far you’ve come. Congratulations on a great year!
Thank you Erin!
I think that last paragraph needs a sentence about your devout fan club…. ‘cuz you’ve got that too.
Em, you always make me feel loved.
I’m so glad. It’s easy to miss the gems when we have to mine them.
It is, Jami. But I think they might be appreciated more than when they are just lying around waiting to be picked up with ease… at least I tell myself that. 🙂
I just love this line in the last paragraph: “I’m not looking for anyone to rescue me from a life I don’t want.” I think it speaks volumes about you.
Thank you Jen- I feel that very strongly. I hope the right person comes along who appreciates that- because it’s bedrock to who I am.
“I might even go so far as to say it’s been good for them to have to share me with my own life.”
Truly profound insight, Tracy. They are blessed to have you as their mom.
As always, Ray, thank you. Love you and Michelle.
Love this post.
Hey Wiz, I thought you were quitting me now that I’m running. 😉
I like runners! I think they’re insane, but I like them! And I would never quit, silly. 🙂
i’m not sure if i’ve ever commented on your blog, but i’ve been following it for a while. it sounds like you’re in a really good place, and i just wanted to tell you that you look BEAUTIFUL in these pictures. and congrats on your awesome success in school! 🙂
Thank you so much, Monique. I never felt beautiful before, but lately, I think my happiness is showing. Thanks for de-lurking too.
Congratulations on getting to the light at the end of the tunnel and it will get brighter! You’re doing soo so well, is it silly to say that I’m proud of you?! Proud to call you a sister and hoping that I have some of the staying power that you do.
I’m not there yet, Jen. There are days I still crash and burn- but at least I’m moving forward. I don’t know about my staying power, but I always appreciate how positive you are to me. Thank you!
It takes a strong woman to deal with all that you have gone through and still come out on the other side in one piece. But YOU, my dear, come out with happy children, a loving home, and looking gorgeous. I’m sorry that you have this new anniversary to remember, but know that you are admired for the way you have handled it.
Thank you so much, Non-Mommy. I appreciate your kind words.
When I grow up, I want to be like you, Tracy.
I know you have some bad days and some truly tough moments – but seriously, if I could have the insight and handle my challenges the way you are handling yours…
I hope you know how much I admire and respect you!
Always love you, Michelle. Thank you!
Tracy,
Congratulations on a year…a year that you accomplished so much!
I love you, admire you and respect you!
I love the smiles in the pictures posted…pure joy.
Hope this next year you continue to rise above with lots of smiles, love, friendships, memories and adventures…
Kellie, you are a gem, and I’m so grateful to call you my friend. Thank you!
Quite simply — I love this. I love that I feel your joys and your sorrows as if a small part of them were my own. I hope that’s not too creepy for you. You are an amazing woman, and one of the coolest people I’ve never met.
Loved this post. I am in the midst of a divorce myself, which I hope will become final in the next month or two. It is inspiring to see people who have survived this experience and rather than being destroyed by it, manage to find the “gems” in it. I’m working hard to “mine” for the ones to be had in my journey. Thank you for sharing your experiences with all of us.
I hope the coming years bring you continued happiness, peace and success.