It’s 1:43 in the morning. I’m still in my workout clothes from
this yesterday morning, and just now flopping onto my soft, welcoming bed. The laundry had been piling up for days, and I simply couldn’t put it off any longer. Everything except the basket of pajamas and my stuff is folded and put away. Tonight, before laundry and after the kids were fed and put in bed, I wrote a four page paper on the effects of social-expectation on the self-esteem of young women, took a timed test online, and submitted a powerpoint presentation. Earlier, I ran to the grocery store to replenish our depleted fridge, and visited with a friend who stopped by while I made enchiladas and english muffins. It was my day to carpool- well, every afternoon is, now that I have a smaller car and can’t split it out with more people and kids. I missed an assignment last night because I don’t have the right software for my computer, but a friend is mailing it from Provo, and the professor was nice enough to give me an extension. In my email was a second note from one of my children’s math teacher- we’re still not making the progress needed, and he wants to meet with me. The kids brought home volunteer sheets and book-orders and I had to disappoint them with reality. Ditto school pictures. They wanted to go to ice cream for FHE, but with the paper and PPT due, I had to disappoint them, again. There are dishes from dinner piled in the sink, and I don’t even really want to think about the kitchen floors or bathrooms. A cursory wipe down with some Clorox wipes was the best I could swing today, after I rushed them out the door this morning, jumped in the shower, and attempted to answer some email before I had an appointment. There was an email from a friend who thought I was angry at her for not communicating much, and I stopped long enough to apologize and reassure her that I love her. My kids primary teacher called to ask where they were yesterday, and I explained that I had been in an all-weekend class and was unable to arrange for the to get to church- despite the fact that I took my lunch from class and used it to speak in church as I had agreed, long before I realized I had school this random Sunday. I made it back to class on time, albeit in my Sunday best while everyone else was in sweats. Tomorrow my kindergartner is off, but the boys have school, and my Visiting Teaching companion has been calling and wants me to get on the ball. I was also asked to volunteer some time for women in need downtown as a service project, and reminded that we have our Souper Thursday coming up. It goes from 10 am to 8 pm, but childcare is only available from 11-1. That’s not a lot of help to me. My car is making a funny noise, and it’s over the time when the oil should be changed, but I can’t figure out how or when I will get it in, so I’ll worry about it after tomorrow, when I have an 8-page paper due. The boys both have scouts tonight, so perhaps I’ll get some writing done then, while Abby colors. I lost a filling on Friday, but I haven’t had time yet to figure out what to do about it- something will come to me, I’m sure- it always does.
On Sunday, a woman sat down near me as I was waiting to go speak- she said her husband was traveling for four days, and she was absolutely dreading the week and didn’t know how she would make it, “I really hate being a single mother.”
I just stared; a burning lump lodged in my throat, and turned around, lest I break into a million little pieces.