Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!
I’ve lost myself lately. It’s easy to do in the hustle and craziness of a lived, messy life, but I looked up the other day and realized that life was driving me instead of me taking the life I wanted. If we forget to look towards the sky once in a while, we start to believe the dust and peril and pain is reality- when it truth, it’s simply a byproduct of the magnificence of souls descended to mortality. If we’re not careful, we can confuse the forms for the spirit. And I haven’t been careful. I have been numb.
There’s a million reasons why– life is hard, things aren’t fair, I’m tired, my heart hurts– and none of them matter. What matters is noticing and having the courage to do something, even if its hard. What matters is my remembering who I am and looking heavenward again to get my bearings.
We are all divinity in embryo- slivers of light, genomes of God- and we forget this so readily. We sell ourselves for a sack of silver, or for comfort, or for safety, or some other paltry worldly thing that makes us feel protected, because we’ve bought the myth that this is all there is… we’ve lost our faith in the promise of more.
How could I ever hope for my children to use their wings if their mama folds hers up and forgets they’re there? How can I ask for those I love to be courageous and turn to the skies if I am unwilling to do the same? There is much I don’t know, but I do know living a half-life is not for me- not for anyone- this is not what God wants for me, or this mama wants for her children.
So while I don’t know what it will look like, or what life has in store for me, I’m looking up, and meeting it head-on. I’m not afraid- I have faith and I am ready to leap.
[Lyrics, of course, from the song Defying Gravity from Broadway play WICKED]
8 thoughts on “Defying Gravity”
All of these things are infinitely complicated by having small persons rely upon you for so much. It makes the thick even thicker, but also holy somehow.
This is very, very true, Em. I never forget the responsibility I have to my children, and so much of what I do is predicated by what’s best for them. But…
Recently I realized that my children are a product of my living a life, not the reason for me to be. I am a unique and independent soul, and I have a purpose here on earth- simply replacing myself is not it. My children _are_ because I have lived and I must continue to remember that- and make myself at least as important as they are.
This is a hard one, especially for most mothers. We don’t want to seem selfish. I’m getting over that, though.
There is so much fantastic wisdom in this post. But this… this strikes to the core of my heart:
“If we forget to look towards the sky once in a while, we start to believe the dust and peril and pain is reality- when it truth, it’s simply a byproduct of the magnificence of souls descended to mortality. If we’re not careful, we can confuse the forms for the spirit. And I haven’t been careful. I have been numb.”
The dust and peril is simply a byproduct of mortality. I’ve been numb lately, too. Thanks for helping me remember to look up, and to find myself again!
I wish I had something profound to say. This post struck my heart.
Enjoy your journey looking skyward.
I love you, friend – and I love your writing.
May there be a road . . .
that was beautiful, tracy. thank you for sharing it with us. (and i LOVE that wicked song!)
There’s a time and season for everything, Tracy. You were just lying fallow for a while; recouping, as it were.
Thank you annegb. I always love when you show up and leave a comment. It makes my day.
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