It’s unclear if ‘hitting a wall’, ‘run over by a truck’ would be the better descriptor for my state today. I suppose it is not unexpected, and that I should have known this was inevitable. The good news is, I know it’s just another passing wave. I think I know what happened… life finally slowed down.
For so long… (weeks. months. years? yeah) I’ve been in that state of odd grace where if you move fast enough, if you just move quickly enough and don’tdon’tdon’t stop no matter what, then your inertia carries you. Its been so long since I could even dare to consider stopping- yet now I finally find myself in a resting place. A place where if I keep up the frenetic pace, it harms me, and no longer serves- a place where I must be still. And I’m finding that disconcerting and dizzying.
My kids are three weeks into school now. Everyone is okay. Jeffrey has conquered the football mess, and discovered Robotics club and kids he feels at-home with. Bean has had his IEP and his team is making accommodations and he’s doing better. Abby is happy and loves first grade, and had changed her favorite color from pink to purple. The move is done, the chaos is done, the boxes are all unpacked, the car is registered, the paperwork is all changed and official. The sun of the season of upheaval seems to have set, and I’m in an odd new twilight to which my eyes have yet to adjust.
All I want to do is sleep.
When I sent the kids off to school this morning, I sat down on the couch and immediately fell into a deep, nearly painful sleep. Good Morning America had turned into Rachel Ray, and my phone was ringing, muffled somewhere under my blanket. I didn’t care. I made no effort to even answer, rolled over, and fell back into hard sleep.
On Tuesday, I got in a minor fender-bender. When I say minor, I mean there weren’t even any dents or paint transfer on either bumper, but the other car insisted on calling the police. We waited in the 7-Eleven parking lot for the officer to show up, hands shaking because it’s been years and years since I was in an accident, for the officer to come tell us there was no damage so she couldn’t even file a police report. Merciful.
To be sure, I still have things to do- GWU wants me to take the MAT, and there might be some changes coming to my program. I’m not nervous at all- I take tests well and change isn’t scary when that’s all you know. So sure, there are still things that must be taken care of, must be done and crossed off the list, but life is no longer requiring me to run as though my hair were on fire. Which is good, since I don’t have any anymore anyway…
Change. It’s what’s for dinner. I’m going back to sleep.