Unpacking Faith


As I wander through my new (to me) home, slowly unpacking boxes, I keep swallowing hard. Since the day I lost Big House so many years ago, I’ve lived temporarily— knowing there would be further moving, further upheaval, further kitchens and closets, further schools… I’ve carried a box of my grandmother’s china from one coast to the other, never breaking the thin plastic packing tape keeping the precious dishes safe inside. More than many, I’m keenly aware of the sharp edges on the margins, of how tenuous life can be… particularly this past week, and I step softly through the rooms in a house I am now invited to consider my home.

Not a single room in the home is the same as it used to be- every single wall has been lovingly painted, and each paned window has been stripped of fussy draperies and box-valances, to be freshly dressed with simple iron curtain rods and pale cotton and linen curtains. The air is lighter, the sunlight cascades easily through the now open windows, and makes the warm wooden floors gleam. It’s more than I ever dared hope for…

The kids bounce and giggle on the trampoline in the backyard, and I can stand again at my kitchen window, hands covered in verbena-scented suds and watch them through the lacy pattern the giant oak leaves cast in the summer sun. One by one, I open the boxes of dishes and beloved kitchen tools; an old wooden recipe box from a great aunt, filled with treasured, yellowing handwritten recipes with directions like “use a medium hot oven…” I find a place in my kitchen, and open another. My mother’s antique clay bread-rising bowl is unpacked, safely transported thousands of miles now, and no worse for wear. The few cake stands that escaped the giant moving sale are removed from their bubble wrap, and join the recipe box on the shelf… and on it goes.

Every so often, my breath catches in my throat. I have to stop, squeeze back the tears, and remind myself that it’s okay to exhale. Unpacking those boxes is more than just moving my valued belongings into a structure. Unpacking, for me, is an exercise in faith.

Unpacking means faith in my new husband, and in my newly minted marriage. Unpacking means faith in the deeply good man who has opened his heart and life to me and my children.  Unpacking means faith that I won’t have to uproot my children yet again, and that they can make friends and establish patterns and call this new place home. Unpacking means faith in myself to manage a blended family where we can love and grow together. Unpacking means having faith that this is all real, and that it’s not a dream I will wake from, teary and steeped in sadness. Unpacking means being vulnerable.

Today, I am unpacking my grandma’s china. It’s the last box.

Random Crap: Hodge Podge

So along with the whole Getting Married thing, I was also packing up our house in preparation for a move. And doing all the end of the school-year stuff with the kids- there were so many nights, up late with insomnia and packing boxes, I wanted to write. So here’s your Random Crap Catch It All Up post!


Pro-Tip: If you hit Walmart around midnight, they are restocking, and they will give you all the boxes you can take. If you’re nice, they will even load them in your car for you! For free!

Moving sucks. It seriously sucks. Even in my tiny two-bedroom townhouse, you wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff we’d managed to amass in less than two years. I donated piles of stuff, went through all the kids’ stuff and culled and sorted, and I still had more than I’d imaged. Gone are the days of packing it all in a Volkswagen and taking off… Mercifully, many boxes were never unpacked from the last move. Who needs great-grandma’s china and silver in a house so tiny we don’t have room for the regular dishes?

Behold, the chaos. I think I took this at about 2 am one night. So stinkin’ tired.


In a concerted effort to get my cleaning deposit back on my place, we spent two solid days cleaning, including shampooing the carpets. That’s above and beyond, right? The place was spotless when we left- and I’d always had good interactions with my landlords. They’re nice people. But now it appears they might like to keep my deposit. I’m waiting, and trying to be patient… but seriously? Look at the place!

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The deposit is a lot of money to me, and I even washed all the curtains. The fridge looks new! I cannot fathom what else I could have done. Do landlords just look at the cleaning deposit as extra cash? Because I could really use it, and I kind of feel like it’s mine, and I fulfilled my part of the deal. I’m really hoping they refund it.

Along with all of this, Jeffrey had his end of the year Band Concert- he’s getting really good at the Baritone Tuba, and has taken to playing the Emperors Theme at random times, like maybe when Bean is in trouble, or we’re running late. It adds to the general ambiance of the home. When I’m not trying to be mad, it’s really funny.

In the middle of packing, Abby was conducting science experiments (but so help me, none of them left marks on the townhouse!) I would be throwing things in a box, and find something that looked like this:


To which, the following conversation would occur:

Me: Abby? What… is this?
Abby: It’s nothing mom, I’m trying to extract the iron from the cereal- I’ll be using magnet once it’s saturated.
Me: Um… oh.

Because that’s what everyone thinks of doing while in the midst of moving, right?


The day of the wedding (we made our bouquets ourselves) I found this beautiful Magnolia flower in my new neighbor’s yard. I left it on the tree, but it was too beautiful not to capture. The Virginia humidity may totally suck in the summer, but there are some upsides.

For Em, Wherever I Might Find Her

Golly, I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve never regretted writing candidly about hard things, and conscious writing has opened doors I would never have even found, let alone had the ability to turn the key. Sharing the painful and powerful parts of this years’ long journey has helped me deal with really hard things in healthy ways, and has enabled me to grow and have courage in places and ways I never imagined. It’s who I am.

Until Jon, I had not dated anyone seriously enough to let them meet my kids. You want terrifying? Introduce someone you really like to the three most important someones in your life. I knew almost immediately that this was something different. I decided to protect this tiny fledgling of a hope– not for public consumption. Not this time. It wasn’t just my three kids, who had been through so much, but he also has two children, and everyone needed to be handled with such care.

One of the things that drew us to each other is that his oldest and Bean have the same Aspergers diagnosis. I didn’t have to explain about Bean, or interpret or run interference with my peculiar kid- he totally got it, and he rolled with it. You want a direct line to the heart of an ASD mama? Love her weird kid. You want a guarantee? Have that weird kid totally love you. Bean, who seldom takes to anyone, would wait for him at the front window, running to jump into his arms when he’d push our gate open. Jeffrey and Abby were only slightly more reserved. I was melting, and quickly.


The thing about second chances and second marriages is, it’s a whole different animal than it was the first time around. You’re no longer dewy and star-crossed, naive and giddy. You know how hard it can be to make things work, how hard it is to raise kids, (particularly kids with special needs) and if you’re divorced, you know the pain and sorrow that goes with that severing, regardless of the certainty of your decision. You also appreciate things you may have taken for granted or not realized were important when you were younger. These were common ground.

Nothing about this journey has been fairy-tale or idyllic. There were ups and downs, and there were times I doubted everything. When you come out of the ashes of a terrible divorce, when you battle back to the light to stand on your own two feet, the idea of moving back into a space of trust peppered with mutual dependance can be terrifying. I knew I could continue on doing it by myself. It was safe. It was the known.

But I also knew ‘safe’ was a cop out. This man was everything I had ever dared hope for. I wasn’t capable of turning away— it was time to take a deep breath and say yes to life again.


So when he sent a dear friend to pick me up for a lunch date and she instead turned the car towards downtown, and when we walked towards the Lincoln Memorial and instead found a young man strumming an acoustic guitar, and when Jon walked across the footbridge and gently took my hands in his and knelt down, there was no other. I was looking love in the face. It was time to say yes.

All of that culminated last Wednesday when, with little fanfare, five kids, four friends, and our bishop, we were married. It was simple, small, and ridiculously happy. My family and friends adore him, and the love and support shown by his entire family not only to me, but to my children has made my heart burst with joy.


Mr. Tracy M.

weddinddayLadies and Gentlemen, Brothers and Sisters, assembled glitterati, paparazzi, fellow troglodytes, trolls and other shadow-lurking watchers of what has come to be known as the Bloggernaccle. I will now answer the burning question which has pervaded Tracy’s Facebook newsfeed – “Who is that guy?” Jack Kennedy once referred to himself as “the man who accompanied Jacqueline Bouvier to Paris”. In that fine fashion, allow me to introduce myself:

I am Mr. Tracy M.

There is a story behind how Tracy and I came to know each other and how it came to pass that we became husband and wife. Those of you who have followed the continuously unfolding story of the Dandelion Mama know that she has three beautiful and exceptionally unique children. To that family I bring two of my own for a grand total of (drumroll) five.

Yes. We really did decide to do this.

No. We’re not crazy. Well…not on most days and not usually at the same time.

So. Who am I? On paper I’m about the most typical Mormon guy you’ll ever meet. Eagle Scout. Returned Missionary (Brasil São Paulo North if you must know). BYU grad and a Masters or two- and everything that accompanies that experience. I had checked all the boxes and life was going according to The Plan.

Until it didn’t.

Just how much of that story will be told here remains to be seen. While Tracy is an open book about most everything, I am not. She is a far better story weaver than I am so I’ll leave it to her skillful prose to fill in any spaces that need filling.

So, there you have it, Dear Dandelion Readers. Tracy M. is officially off the market. Ain’t she just the most dazzlingly beautiful bride? Nah, I’m not biased at all. Just blessed.

Married? Yes. Married.

I’ve been holding a few very important and deeply personal cards close to my heart. Yesterday, this happened:


A dear friend said to me yesterday, “You owe us one whale of a blog post!” Yeah… I probably do. Like every life and every good love story, it contains all the feels, from the lofty joys to wrenching sorrows. Life is hard, and it makes the rare moments of supernal happiness that much more sublime and sweet. Yesterday was one of those days.

There will be more… For now, here are some pictures, taken by a dear friend whose photography speaks for itself.




Sword Juno Gold Omaha Utah


Today is the 70th anniversary of D-Day. World War II has been on my mind a lot lately— mostly due to the abysmal two days Jeffrey’s middle school spent on it, and my sudden all-encompassing desire to both throttle the teacher, and to find a way to successfully augment his education. There are a lot of things I’m lackadaisical about, but World War II history is not one of them. It was a rubicon of modern life, a critical hourglass-like juncture; there is Before, and there is After. Too many of us are ignorant of our history, of the foundations of the societies in which we live. This makes us poorer citizens.

What I’ve settled on is Ken Burns’ documentary “The War”. It’s streaming on Amazon, and worth every minute. Like all of Burns’ films, it’s a deep and relational history, covered with real footage, photographs, letters, newsreels and personal stories. Highly recommended for anyone wishing to have more than a passing glimmer of American and world history.

My grandfather, John Beadle McKay, was there on the blood soaked beaches of Normandy, on this day in June of 1944. I usually needn’t say anything beyond that to for most people to understand important things about his life. That is a testament to knowing history.

As this generation passes from the world— as all of my own grandparents now have— it’s even more important that we not forget what happened, that we not forget their histories, their stories, and their sacrifices. When we know our own history, it helps us all be better people, and gives us a context and reference for the blessings and freedom in which we live our lives. That applies to each of us- whether we’re from the heartland of America, the cities, villages and mountains of Europe, or the atolls and islands in the South Pacific. Take a moment today to pause, reflect, and give thanks.

No Notion of Loving People by Halves…

Edmund_Blair_Leighton_-_On_the_ThresholdLife. We take it for granted. I mean, I know we do when we’re young- there is nothing more invincible that a young person who hasn’t been touched by tragedy. When we’re young, we just don’t comprehend preciousness, we don’t understand the gifts we are given. Life is fleeting, fragile, uncertain- we don’t want it to be— we build fences all across the landscapes of experience to give us semblances of safety. But, we cannot dwell there. We cannot think about what might be; if we do so, we can be crippled, stunted, and ironically, miss out on our own lived experiences.

This weekend, I lost a dear friend. We all know tragedy happens. There are accidents, there are illnesses. But coming face to face with the brevity of life, with how quickly and utterly it can vanish— causes one to pause and reflect a bit.

Do you remember Little House? Little House was owned by a wonderful woman who became a dear friend, long before I ever lived there. She filled her kitchen with delicious baked goods, she threw tea-parties with a dress-code of wildly ornate hats, she made aprons for each holiday, and she might throw a dinner simply because it was Tuesday, and Tuesday should be fun. She made the most beautiful quilts, and that was how I came to know her— sewing tiny scraps of fabric into beautiful heirlooms.

She had married later in life, and while she hadn’t given birth to children herself, she had dozens of children in whose eyes she was beloved. Her wedding was a Regency celebration where Jane Austen would have been comfortable. I had the honor of making two of the flower-girl dresses for the wedding. When you were around her, you couldn’t help but be happy. Her jovial, hope-filled, and sometimes wickedly witty personality made most people instantly at ease. She was loved.

She had been fighting some health problems; pulled muscles and what she thought might be a kidney stone. Last week, she posted on Facebook that she’d been diagnosed with cancer. Last week. Her words were upbeat- she was ready to fight this and win. Her husband, who had just started a new job in a new city, was flying back to be with her.

Two days later, a family member posted that she was in a coma, and wasn’t expected to last the weekend. The next morning, she died.

All I keep thinking about is how much she didn’t get to say, didn’t get to do… quilts that are unfinished, words she would have wanted to give her loved ones, a legacy she would have wanted to leave behind. Mercifully, she didn’t suffer- that’s been the thread of hope most of us who love her have been able to grasp. She didn’t suffer. But oh God, I hope you really needed her home, because those of us here are going to miss her light more than we can express.

It really puts a fine point on the direction of our own lives when we lose someone we love so suddenly. For all of our plans, all of our ideas that we might get to someday… it’s trite and poets and artists have been trying to convey it forever: Someday might not come.

Go grab your loved ones and speak to their hearts. Say you’re sorry if you need to. Don’t waste a single precious moment of this golden, beautiful life on grudges, spite, or anything unholy. Embrace life with both arms and banish your fear. Create what you always wanted, and if you didn’t succeed the first time you tried, rewrite your story and make a new chapter. If there is something your soul yearns for, make the leap. Cease worrying. Take a deep breath, inhale and savor life in great, glorious gulps. It really is all we have. We’re all stories in the end… make it a good one.

I miss you, Betty. May the four winds blow you safely home.