The Inadequacy of Words

There are things I need to write that I just have no idea how to write. There are emotions that are too vast, so far out of scale to the rest of life, that you are left bewildered, wondering what happened and what normal will mean now.

My ex-husband David died yesterday.

Looking over and over at those little words on the screen, they don’t seem real.

David came into my life when I was barely more than a girl. He was one of the best friends I have ever had. He walked beside me for a decade as my friend before we married, and he taught me priceless lessons about life, love, growth, change and courage. Our marriage lasted ten years, and contained some of the highest and brightest pinnacles of my life, and some of the deepest and darkest sorrows. In the almost six years since the divorce, we were able to remember and rely on our decades of friendship to forgive each other, to heal, and to place our children first.

There is a lot I want to say— a lot I need to say— stories I want to tell, things I want to preserve for my children about their first father.  More than anything, I am awash in sorrow and grief that my children will not know the man I knew and loved. He was so much more than they got to experience in their young lives, and there is nothing I can do to change the fact that life is hard, and unfair, and sometimes pain gets the better of us and the world loses what might have been.

I can’t believe he’s gone.

25 thoughts on “The Inadequacy of Words

  1. I’m so sorry to read this, Tracy. I have been so impressed with how you and David and Jon continued to keep David in your life and (more importantly) in the lives of your children. Even more so now, how wonderful that they got to have him come and visit and stay with you just a few months ago. But that’s probably not very comforting right at this moment. Right now, I’m just sad for your loss.

    I know I’m a little bit further away now, but– if there IS anything I can do, please don’t hesitate to ask. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

  2. I am shocked by this…we were just sitting together talking about families, near and far, blended and extended. I am at a loss of adequate words – of how my heart goes out to you and your children, how I wish I was there and not in Zimbabwe, to drive to your house and give you a hug. To just be there for you. But despite the distance my friend, I am here. I am a phone call away and if there is anything I can do – please, please ask. I love you friend, my sister!

  3. Your words are more than adequate, Tracy. Thanks for sharing this. So sorry for your family’s loss.

  4. I’ve followed you since before your daughter was born. I am so shocked and sorry and saddened to learn of this. Your love for him, while it has of course evolved, has always been evident. My heart aches for your kids especially. Let them know that there are many of us mourning with y’all. You’ll be in our prayers. Much love…

  5. I want to offer my deepest and most sincere condolences. May God hold your hearts close. May you and your family feel the love that we who read your words have for you. God bless you all with peace in your time of mourning.

  6. I am so sorry for your loss. I’ve been a silent reader of your blog and BCC writings for a few years. I’ve been so impressed with how you’ve made blended and split apart families work. May you find some comfort during this time.

  7. I’m another blog reader who doesn’t know you personally and very rarely comments. But I am here and I mourn with you and your children. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  8. I am shocked and so saddened to hear this. I have read your blog from the beginning, and know through your writing how deep your love was for David. Through the highs of happiness, through the depths of overwhelming pain, through forgiveness and a reconciled relationship, you never denied that he had been your best friend, and you loved him. I hurt for you. I hurt for his mom. I hurt so much for your children. I am thankful God gave you Jon. As you said above, words are inadequate. But thankfully, through your documented words, your kids will always know the depths of your love for their Dad, through happiness, through anger, and especially through forgiveness.

  9. I have never commented, but I had to do so today because I too lost my ex-husband this week so I very much empathize. Like David, my ex was very much a part of our family and I quite understand how tremendous the loss can be both personally and vicariously for my son. At least our loss was not as sudden as yours seems to be . In any event, I wanted say that I’m sorry and for you to know that you are not alone in this experience.

  10. I have been a reader of your blog since right after your divorce. I have watched you and your children grow and develop. I greatly admired how you navigated being a single mom. My heart breaks for you and your kids, and for David’s family. My deepest condolences to all of you.

  11. Tracy, I’m so sad to hear of David’s passing. Wishing and praying that the God’s spirit will pour into all the cracks in your soul and heal them and give you solace.

  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I know we seldom talk, but you are someone I have thought of often as I have gone through my own divorce and journey into single motherhood. You have been an example and an inspiration to me.

    I pray that you find comfort and support in this difficult time.

  13. oh my gosh. (long time reader. rarely comment.) I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to understand the flood of emotion… I will be thinking about you.

  14. I was so shocked to read those words.

    Though you don’t know me, I have read your blog since you were pregnant with Abby.

    Love and prayers to you and your sweet children.

  15. I’m so sorry for this Tracey. Life is just so hard. I hope you and your kids can feel him near always. Love you.

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