I post this in quiet remembrance and to honor what was. It’s hard to believe it’s been twenty years, and it’s even harder to believe he’s gone.

I offer deep gratitude for those who have walked beside me over the course of a life none of us imagined on that happy day. Many beautiful things came from my love for David; I regret nothing, and given the same circumstances and choice, I would do it all again. He enriched and blessed me far beyond the sorrow and ashes that followed.

I also offer deep gratitude for the unexpected and unimagined love that followed in Jon. He’s continually held space and made it safe for me and our kids to process our grief, share our stories, and feel all of our feelings. The vastness of his spirit and heart is a balm to the soul, and allows us to catch glimpses of the divine through each other.

Sixteen years ago tonight, you entered the world. Your birth was the easiest of your siblings, but that’s about all that was easy. We’ve learned together how to do this dance we live—it hasn’t always been simple, but I can say without equivocation that  I am thankful every single day that I get to be your mom.

What a year you’ve had, kiddo. I know you don’t see yourself as remarkable, but you are. I have been watching you for your entire life, and your dedication and focus and sense of self is a wonder to behold. You haven’t made life easy, but you have absolutely made life for everyone who loves you deeper, richer, funnier, and more expansive.

You’ve always had a myopic focus on the things that bring you joy, happiness, or comfort—whether it’s climbing up to the ceiling fans in the cooler at Costco, committing to an eating plan, or cutting open the couch because you wanted to see what was inside…You decide, and then you don’t look back. And if you fall, or get stymied, or someone gets in your way…you keep going. You keep getting up. You go around. You find some scissors. You stack furniture. You crawl out out a window and run down the street…You move forward with a confidence in your choices that its awe-inspiring.

(Even if it was terrifying when you were little.)

Your family has always known this about you, but this year the world got to see how your innate tenacity mixed with good-weirdness (I’m quoting him, it’s okay) draws people to you. So many hope to be seen and accepted in this world, and you put yourself out there, completely comfortable in your needs and preferences, and others recognized that, and they can know they are okay too. It’s a gift you have, and are sharing.

Now I have to go back and tackle the pile of books waiting behind me—and you’re a huge part of the reason why I am at Law School doing a Very Hard Thing when I really don’t have to. Like you, I want to help people, and because of you, I am called and compelled to give back.

I love you, Beanie.

xoxo
Mama

I have been meaning to write for so long, and life has gotten away from me day after day after day. I’ve never been super great at time-management, but my new life is all about time management, so trial by fire it is. Having a schedule crammed and full hasn’t been my jam, but now starting my second week of law school (hoooooley crap is that a steep drop-off!) I have to make sure I schedule tiny bits of mental health time and family time and time when I’m not thinking about case-briefs or waking up with stress dreams about case briefs. Its a whole new world.

So backing up a bit…we had a summer. The kids were home a lot, and it was nice–the quiet before the storm, such as it is. Jon’s parents came out from Utah and we had a mini-family reunion at the beach, and it was lovely. The kids got to spend a few days in the balmy humid surf and play with their cousins. We had some good food, and a few lazy days to tie up the last trailing days of summer.

Thankfully, we have wonderful house/pet sitters, so we had a young married couple staying at our place with the cats and Tiberius while we were gone. We were home for only a couple of days before I started law school.

I don’t have a ton of time right now to go into detail, but for the sake of my posterity I will try to find time soon to document the transition. I’m just not sure anything can prepare you for the first week of law school. It’s like jumping into the deep, cold end of the ocean. You acclimate–at least that’s what I’m told, and it must be true because people survive this. But it’s a rough drop-in. Especially when you’ve been out of school for eight+ years and you’re a decade (or more) older than your classmates. I keep reminding myself that no one else knows what they’re doing yet either.

Jeffrey had his 18th birthday last week. We had to wait to celebrate until Friday night because of me. He said he rather enjoyed his birthday taking up the better part of a week. I haven’t written him his birthday letter yet…I don’t know if I have the space to feel the feels that honestly requires. But I’ll find it.

Bean, Abby and Kelsey are all in high school this year. Abby has found her grove and her people in marching band. Bean is fully mainstreamed and loves his geometry class. Kelsey is doing a cosmetology elective and says the smell of burning hair wasn’t her! Jeffrey is managing his home-skills and taking a couple of classes at the community college in preparation for leaving for Utah State next year.

Jon is getting used to having a wife who isn’t as available, but he’s also so visibly proud of me. Knowing I have so much love and support at home makes the hard days better.

Now I have about 25 pages of reading in my torts casebook, with another dozen briefs to write up for Wednesday.

Deep breaths…here we go.

First day of law school for mama, 2019